Anyone who doesn’t wear a lifejacket aboard a boat is a dickhead.

That was me showing restraint too; because honestly, of all the boating incidents in New Zealand, the mishap most frequently results in a fatality when the dickhead in question is not wearing a lifejacket. Seemingly the issue lies somewhere within the folds of their arrogant, ill-conceived, dick-headed; veritably moronic mindset: “What do I need a lifejacket for? I’m not a kid you know, I can swim…”

Famous last words maybe..?

Yeah, if by famous you vacuous, which you probably don’t…

These are the facts, dickhead. Whether or not you can swim, being suddenly immersed in frigid water, fully clothed and shod, the surprise alone can be enough to send a gulp or two of liquid death down into your lungs. That’s all it takes. You see, human lungs aren’t set up for processing water. The instant that you swallow/breathe more fluid than you can choke back up in a couple of spasmodic coughs/retches, you’re a dead dickhead.

Furthermore dickhead, have you tried expunging water from your lungs while frantically treading the aforementioned in an effort to not inhale more? Believe me, it’s a mightily arduous task – that’s without taking into account the fact that there’ll likely be waves breaking in your mouth, also that you’re still a fully clothed and shod dickhead.

Another thing, dickhead, don’t for an instant think that because that old lifejacket at the back of the wardrobe – your late grandfather’s RNZAF relic – was good enough to save his life when he was shot down over the Pacific, or because it still fits you, it will be at all beneficial to your 10-year-old son. Adult lifejackets do not fit children. In fact poorly fitting lifejackets are more renowned for killing the wearer than saving them.

So dickhead, ensure that your vessel is equipped with enough lifejackets for every person aboard. Don’t try to be a hero by giving up your own so a child doesn’t go without. If you all end up in the water, fully clothed and shod, you’re gonna need all the buoyancy you can get when you do start being a hero.

Lastly, dickhead, don’t be a dickhead on the water.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Richard Head

Photography by Gray T Ocean