Given that much of our planet’s existing landmass is purported to be thousands of millions of years old while little old New Zealand has only been out of the ocean for hundreds of millions…

The aforementioned information has been sourced – due to an alarming discrepancy thus I would assume a frightening inaccuracy in the facts hence figures offered by perhaps the only source of information that most people seem to recognise these days – not so much through the whirring box of (apparent) knowledge sitting before me and more through the recall of my days as a fourth year student at primary school.

…Also the fact that on account of New Zealand currently rocking some dynamic tectonic plate action while the rest of the world is being/has been largely beaten flat by erosion New Zealand’s mountainous landscape is still rising, in years to come I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see the nation of New Zealand comprising not only a far greater acreage, I believe it just might be flaunting the world’s tallest peak.

This week’s Theory therefore pertains to the movement of planet Earth’s tectonic plates and the way they will, with time, undoubtedly further raise New Zealand from the depths of the ocean, holding it aloft atop a great pedestal of dirt and rock – thus by implication sinking or at least lowering the rest of the world with all its safe unmoving land – until New Zealand (also perhaps Chile, Argentina, and some others) will be able to look down on the rest and say, ‘Hah – who’s bigger now?’

It isn’t likely to happen in my lifetime but, you know, something to think about for future generations trying to decide whether to put down roots in New Zealand or Guyana.

Some of those ancient lands around the Middle East and India, which have since been eroded flat, already have perilously low elevation while those not-quite-so-old, mountainous, ancient lands such as South America or the Himalayas, given another few (thousand million) years, I predict, will go the same way; which is to say, into the ocean…

Yes, I realise this theory utterly contradicts many of my other Theories which maintain that Armageddon will befall the planet sometime within the next few hundred years, but this is more of a contingency theory – a prospective, what if it does or, just in case that doesn’t happen, theory.

…As for our partner to the west, Australia, I didn’t like to say it before but, realistically, dude, you were beaten flat a very long time ago.

Do we therefore even need a conclusion?

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Chef Tang-Lands

Photography by B Tan Flit