For as long as there have been projects requiring leadership there have been power-hungry jackasses happy to step up to the task.

New Zealand has a fine history of producing the aforementioned bumptious idiot and, necessary as their overly assertive natures may indeed be to ensuring efficient production, the likelihood is that it is these kinds of leaders-cum-dictators who are responsible for much of the conflict seen in the world today.

At this point I am confident the entity on the tip of everyone’s hypothetical tongue proudly wears the monogram DJT, and that his name in full probably sounds a little something like Ronald Ray Rump…

Evidence of this power-hungry/crazed/drunk behaviour is prominent among political leaders (including the aspiring jackasses who stand for such positions); it’s also among the Police Force (not just in the US either), as well as in an (alarmingly dense) smattering of regular, just plain arrogant, citizens.

…But that’s hardly the point. I fear the point is much more sinister than that, and in fact it might just begin with the issue of parents handing down girls’ names to their baby boys…

Xi Jinping calmly presides over the largest (commie) population in the world. Vladimir Putin is nearby presiding over petty squabbles with neighbouring Ukraine (Petro Poroshenko), between whom the only area of agreement seems to be firing off errant missiles and bringing down other nations’ passenger jets. Tomislav Nikolic is in charge of running Serbia who, together with Bulgaria (Rosen Plevneliev) and Macedonia (Gjorge Ivanov), cannot seem to stop bickering about who holds the more powerful position thus who should decide whose country’s borders ought to go where. Faud Masum and Ali Khamenei take leadership of Iraq and Iran respectively, of whom both are in constant conniptions with the variety of audacious leadership displayed by the US.

…Now while I certainly can’t vouch for the masculinity of Vladimir I do think Putin is a little queer, but what about young Kim? Why only a few years back Mr Dotcom (yeah, wrong one) almost caused the New Zealand election to crash, and much like the computing contraptions that he so adores, I think we can all appreciate in retrospect that that result would have been a classic Control-Alt-Delete moment…

North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, currently just 33 years old and whom, incidentally, was only voted in to his country’s top job – at the age of 30 no less – because his elder sibling was considered ‘not mean enough’ by North Korean election committee elders, thus he was exalted into the position of youngest ever dictator of his country and he therefore, potentially, will be the youngest ever leader to precipitate the annihilation of our largely free world.

…The Right Honourable (and I think downright bloody venerable too) John Key has no doubt cemented himself a place in history as the intrepid Prime Minister who led New Zealand through some of the darkest financial times since the Great Depression (of 1929-39, lifted reportedly, in the US at least – where the whole fracas supposedly began after the 1929 Wall Street collapse – by the commencement of the Second World War where the number of unemployed suddenly reduced by over 7 million, yet their armed forces grew by over 8 and a half)…

US President, Donald J Trump, is surely leaving a decidedly grotesque mark in history also, as he seemingly attempts to make bigotry fashionable once more. At a time where refugees of the modern world are more plentiful than ever this particular leader is making moves to lock them out of his country; also passing eviction orders on existing US-based expatriates while apparently staying true to his word, setting aside national funds to raise his much talked about, hugely infamous erection along the Mexican border.

…Now former New Zealand Prime Minister John Key, after abdicating his role before the world heat truly came on, or more to the point, before his national acceptance truly wore off, in my opinion was as truthful as is prudent for a country’s leader to be, and regarding the maintaining of election promises (which all seasoned politicians understand are merely bribes to improve one’s image throughout the election process meaning that once elected into power a leader is under no realistic obligation to see them through, a message President Trump appears to have missed), it is fair to say that (former) NZ PM John Key did in fact see through his share…

A US High Judge has since passed rulings contradicting several of his President’s orders, putting an immediate block on Trump’s travel bans – deeming them patently unlawful – also maintaining that no person can be forced to leave a country in which they are legally residing, solely on the basis of race.

…After which John unexpectedly bailed, sliding the Key over to his English deputy, before an unbalanced Trump tipped the boat.

So if the world was once wary of Kim Jong-un’s trigger-finger on the nuclear button, how are we supposed to feel now?

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Ronald Ray Rump

Photography by Nu Claire Boom