This time last week I was excited at having published my first ever electronic book, only to find that loaded up as the book was, nobody could actually access it.

I rectified that problem over the coming days but the issues just seemed to keep coming, culminating in a bank error (not in my favour) where, on ringing my beloved Telebank I was told I had significantly less funds than expected with a sizeable, and very important, payment due to come out. Obviously then, reduced to a quivering ball of anxiety, I promptly transferred to my transaction account a sum which I really couldn’t afford to move and only did so because circumstances had become so very dire – or so I thought – until a day later, after panicking myself stupid and losing perhaps a good decade from my life-expectancy plan (but still with no grey hairs, thank you very much), consulting with Telebank to find that while that first account was indeed in deficit, I now had a surplus in my transaction account.

After some gut-wrenching telephone-sleuthing I was able to ascertain that I had in fact always had sufficient funds, and it was simply the bank’s transaction timeline that had gone awry; I guess in a world where money has become intangible to the point of it being displayed as numbers on a computer screen rather than coloured slips of paper in a wallet, this kind of mishap is only to be expected.

What a relief then to last night be able to leave the week’s stresses, anxieties, worries and woes on the jiu-jitsu mat, in the form of half a gallon of perspiration.

I’m just glad it’s Friday.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Bon Kerrer

Photography by Nat En Fiver

Given its origins one might consider it ironic that the term ‘Avast’ is frequently spotted popping up in the corner of one’s eye like a brightly coloured buoy lost at sea.

Avast – an old nautical term meaning ‘stop’ or ‘cease’ – is also the name of the cost-free virus protection software I elected to use, once my beloved Microsoft Security Essentials had become obsolete a few years back.

What better idea could there be, I recall thought/mumbling, than to replace my supposedly outdated software with that of a word which is even more archaic than ‘halt’ or ‘cease’.

As I downloaded the software all those years ago, I remember running through my head the advice I’d been given regarding potential Security Software providers: “Avast’s good – if you don’t mind putting up with a million pop-ups a day…”

While the most I’ve counted in one day is twelve, a recent one I saw did make me chuckle.

Where ordinarily Avast’s pop-ups are simply advising ‘Security Definitions Have Been Updated’ or similar, and other than an encumbered cursor-click really require no effort on my part, of late they’ve become interesting…

I see I’ve referred to the downfall of Microsoft Security Essentials and subsequent rising of Avast! Free Antivirus (the exclamation point’s part of the name, not a typo) as being ‘all those years ago’ although seemingly, according to Avast I mean, it was actually 602 days ago, or at least that’s what the new pop-up offering me a ‘security upgrade’ maintains; mind you it has been maintaining that now for two weeks so, you know.

…This new and ‘interesting’ pop-up claims, given the ‘loyalty’ that I’ve shown Avast (602 days without paying a single cent) I am now entitled to their ‘enhanced protection’ but not only that, if I ‘Claim my Loyalty Reward now’, I’ll ‘SAVE 72%’.

In fairness I don’t know what level of protection I currently have but it seems adequate. Now though Avast are offering me superior protection with a saving of 72%; but 72% on what, I ask.

Oh, I see: it’s 72% less than the original fee Avast would have charged me, had I accepted their deal.

A better deal though, would surely be just to continuing not paying them.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Russ Tan Peace

Photography by Jonah Lomu

Who even knows what number we’re up to anymore? I’m not certain but I think that’s meant to say nineteen.

Anyway, task at hand and all that, of late I have been witness to much talk of the Evolution/Creationism debate.

While the Creationism side maintain that the Evolution side must be wrong because their beloved Theory of Evolution is riddled with holes (which it actually is mainly because all the people who could have given evidence about that era, from that era, long ago perished meaning scientists can only extrapolate, or infer facts), and these gaps in time left by the Theory of Evolution, according to Creationists, indicate that Creationism is the only reasonable explanation for the Origin of Life.

The Evolution side stop short of laughing in the face of the Creationism side before putting forward their myriad examples of the existence of life on Planet Earth 600 million years ago, compounded by clear evidence of an evolutionary process; they accept that the Theory on which they’ve based a lifetime of beliefs, while logical it may be, on account of the above reason regarding multimillion-year-old living souls (also the fact that the Dewey Decimal system, thus accurate records, was not introduced until several centuries later), is not perfect and does in fact present areas of doubt.

Evolution has scientists, thus tangible evidence. Creationism has the Bible which, according to Creationists is pretty much an accurate account of what went on; of course Creationists now encounter a similar issue as the Evolutionists – a dearth of living souls to testify to these aforementioned ‘facts’.

Creationists believe that because the Theory of Evolution is questionable, by default, every living soul on Earth ought to turn their belief systems onto that other major theory: the Theory of Creation.

Evolutionists believe that because the Theory of Creationism is fantasy, logically, sensible people ought to do some scientific research on the matter and see where that leads them.

With both sides having pleaded their case I feel I may now step in with my objective viewpoint. If I could begin by offering an analogy: when two foods are put before someone with the instruction to eat, after tasting one of the foods and finding it undesirable, one wouldn’t immediately assume the other to be desirable, would one?

No, one wouldn’t; that would be short-sighted of one. Disproving one side of an argument doesn’t make the other side right, it just makes that side wrong.

Even so, nobody has conclusively disproved either side of this argument and likely, no one ever will.

If it is to come down to the facts and reality of the situation, obviously, given tales of mystical beings, talking serpents, Immaculate Conception and even reanimation, what reasonable person could accept the Theory of Creationism into their lives?

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Mary N Joseph

Photography by N Simon-Else

Turns out, true to form, I messed up; I didn’t click something, or clicked something wrongly or something…

For one of the questions regarding book marketing, given that I am one person rather than a group of people or company, confusion meant that I foolishly elected for ‘Private’ where I should have gone ‘Public’.

…Anyway, it’s since been remedied. The site is CompletelyNovel, the title is Pride in the Land, the author is Tim Walker and as I have recently discovered, to my immense chagrin, Amazon have nothing to do with it.

Have a go. Dare ya.

Written by me,

This particular piece was not edited at all,

And nor could I manage to upload any photos.

Just like that, it’s done.

Having lost hope in the nation’s major Publishing Houses – originally a reputable triplicate, now an amalgamated duo largely unwilling to chance new authors – I have gone more or less, (more less) solo.

Through the CompletelyNovel website, who apparently do their trading through the Amazon website, following painstaking editing of two manuscripts, which on account of the foolhardy nature of self-editing I almost guarantee will still contain errors, my most recent novel – the one that came after the one I had been posting on my site but has since been so massively adapted that those early ‘chapters’ will be rendered more or less meaningless (mostly more) – is now for sale at a rock-bottom price of, I think (but am not entirely sure), 5 pounds 99 pence which is odd, because I don’t even think it’s a British website…

I decided to upload Pride in the Land (the second one) prior to Pride in the Name (the first one) for the reason that I believe, despite Pride in the Land entering into the story more or less where Pride in the Name leaves off (mostly more but a little less), at a time where half the world is already under North Korean control (cease your fretting, I’m not spoiling it, you learn that in the blurb for Christ’s sake, I think…), as I was saying, I believe Pride in the Land (the second one) is better suited to pose the beginning of the saga, leaving Pride in the Name (the first one) to be released later, I’m thinking after the sequel, Pride in the State is released, as a prequel.

…They did offer the alternative of USD but try as I might I couldn’t seem to activate that function; truth be told, I had extreme difficulty activating many of the functions, including uploading the manuscript, uploading a cover design and ultimately, managing basic navigation of their Goddamned site.

Regardless, my debut novel is now for sale. As mentioned try looking for it, I think (but don’t really know given that I’ve not looked for it myself, also the fact that I have only ever bought novels second-hand and in paper form thus know little to nothing about online book sales), at Amazon or failing that CompletelyNovel but no, I’m pretty sure you’d go directly through Amazon.

It’s called Pride in the Land, it’s by Tim Walker, and the cover should be an awesome picture of a beautiful orange sunrise.

Get into it. Buy copies for everyone you know, even buy a few spares for after.

So shameless.

Promotion by Tim Walker

Edited by Full Hardy

Photography by Orin G Son-Rise

If a child-sex-offender and a man-slaughterer have in the past been jailed for their respective offences, does that make them currently venerable people?

Furthermore, if a man and by implication a party of people was then emphatic in their support of the liberation of the above, does that make them venerable people?

What about if another man made negative assertions using this aforementioned supporting party’s intentions as fuel for his derision, would that make him any less of a venerable person?

If that venerable man’s tirade of derision was purported to result in the affront of some members of that supporting party, should that man then be forced into a retraction of his statement?

Should that venerable man be sympathetic to the fact that those members of the supporting party misconstrued his assertions, ultimately misunderstanding his words?

Should that venerable man be forced to apologise to members of the support party, effectively saying he was wrong in his meaning?

Should that venerable man be forced to embrace the actions of New Zealand’s offenders – past or present – based on nothing more than political popularity?

Should words unspoken hold as much strength as those actually heard?

Should ‘implied’ mean the same as ‘said’?

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Lai Boor Wynn-Jyrs

Photography by Polly Ticks

This week’s theory pertains to the horrendous double-standard that is New Zealand pronunciation.

The most frustrating thing about this issue is that we (the culprits) often don’t even seem aware that we’re (they’re) doing it.

As New Zealanders it is no secret that we’ve been making a concerted effort in recent years to embrace all things Maori culture; particularly the language and of course, correct pronunciation of this aforementioned tongue.

The problem is that White folk (some people like to use the term ‘Pakeha’ but why would I, I’m not Maori), typically, struggle to pronounce the phonetics comprising these Maori words – the majority of which I guarantee were constructed by White folk anyway given that most of today’s Maori words are for things that weren’t even in existence in or around 1840.

My first and perhaps most commonly heard example of the lacking ability of the White tongue to properly enunciate Brown words is, Kauri. To perceive the word through a White eye it looks pretty clear: Cow-ree; apparently that’s wrong though. According to other, more distinguished White tongues it’s actually Co-dee. The thing is though when ‘Co-dee’ is translated by a Brown tongue it becomes Co-rree – which is actually pretty close to my first stab, but not actually the point of this exercise.

This merely exemplifies the ridiculous lengths to which White folk are going to ensure they ‘respect’ Maori culture; but I ask you, as much as we like to try and show respect for our own pseudo-indigenous race, and as much as we expect all other nations to do the very same, what about our treatment of other nations’ indigenous cultures?

To elaborate, White Kiwis spend so much time managing the painstaking pronunciation of Maori words (the Co-dees, the Toe-poors, the Kid-did-dus – New Zealand Wood Pigeon, or Kereru – and the My-dee-hoes – the Christchurch area of Mairehau), yet when it comes to other nations’ culturally significant pronunciations, we seem to put them in our mouths, chew them up then spit them into the gutter.

My first example is sickeningly simple; it’s the nation of Ireland. According to the indigenous Irish language that second letter, the ‘r’ there, is not to be overlooked, thus Ire-land – similar to how it looks I guess – yet in New Zealand, the supposed home of cultural sensitivity, we dribble out the name as if it’s no better than any other Northern Island.

Moving on, what about Glasgow? Prominent Scottish city, pronounced by the natives as Gluuzzgor, yet butchered by the Kiwi tongue – the Co-dee, the Toe-poor, the Kid-did-du and the My-dee-hoe tongue – to resemble something akin to Gliss-go.

My theory therefore which, if I don’t quickly conclude is going to be lost amid a torrent of indignant exasperation and spittle spume as I rapidly read back through what’s just been written, is that as proud New Zealanders, much as we might like to think we are politically perfect, culturally composed and of course, flawless in every other way imaginable, we are in fact, perhaps unwittingly or maybe entirely wittingly, committing the greatest offence known to me; the offence of hypocrisy.

Pull your head in, New Zealand, don’t be a double-standard.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Pru Nancy/A Shinn

Photography by Trav S Ty

Three Mongrel Mob members were pulled from a submerged car at the bottom of a gorge recently, following what Hawke’s Bay Police are calling, “a suspicious incident”.

The three men were on their way to a 50^th Anniversary gang celebration, where members were said to have spent the day drinking beer, visiting cemeteries, and taking part in further festivities.

The car in question was travelling a road between Wairoa and Napier, apparently passing through ‘known Black Power territory’, adding to Police suspicions…

Seemingly the cost of keeping their bikes road-legal had become too much for these supposed motorcycle enthusiasts, who would ordinarily have never been seen dead in a Japanese car.

…This is a curious revelation, particularly after TV Three’s Samantha Hayes shot an expose` for her Third Degree current affairs show in which these gang members were not only heard to be denouncing violence and drug use, they were talking implicitly about a future of peace and harmony for their families, among these rival gangs.

The show was clearly a put-on in what I perceived as an ignorant attempt to throw authorities off their illicit trails or even, to draw their rivals into thinking they had become weak.

As I see it gang membership/rivalry/warfare in New Zealand is a puerile exercise: these men pick fights with one another, hold grudges then carry out vendettas against those who have wronged them – following the death of Headhunters prospect, Conor Morris, his gang buddies all swore vengeance on the man who had killed him – this despite no one else in New Zealand having the right to throw down vendettas, and in fact if we did we’d likely be locked up for making idle threats; no, while we regular folk have to be satisfied that the New Zealand judicial system will prevail, not so if you’re a gang member…

Gangs in New Zealand run by a different set of rules and generally, people seem to be accepting of that; even affording the cretins sympathy when their members are killed for reasons which have only ever come about due to the gang’s unholy presence.

…If you’re a gang member in New Zealand people will fear and respect you, even though you’re a gutless piece of irreverent scum; if you’re a gang member in New Zealand you don’t need to contribute to the nation as such, all you have to do is take what you want from it and expect other good, hard-working people to take up your slack.

Motorcycle clubs these gangs are not; murderous criminals they most assuredly are, and now there’s three fewer.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Moe Sykill/N Suzi-Ast

Photography by Mhur Drus Krumnal

According to sources Len Brown will not be standing in the upcoming Auckland Super City mayoral election.

According to Brown himself the decision to abstain from the next election relates in no way to his past indulging of adulterous indiscretion/s which as we should all recall, came perilously close to ensuring that he didn’t even carry out a second term…

Seemingly the stigma that Brown singlehandedly hoisted and carried throughout that second mayoral election in 2013 was a great deal less cumbersome than New Zealand media tried to have us believe.

…As it transpired however Auckland voters are quite a bit more discerning than – certainly I but I guess – most people gave them credit for; indeed basing an electoral vote on mayoral rather than extracurricular performance produced an outcome that few saw coming.

Against many odds Mayor Len Brown has officiated over Auckland Super City for two terms; alas there will be no third.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Baba Bevan

Photography by Neo Moore-Perks

Prime Minister John Key’s decision to push through a deal with the Trans Pacific Partnership has caused speculation among those who don’t entirely understand the deal and of course, outrage for those who understand none of it yet think they do.

Our population can be small-minded like that; here is a chance to ensure New Zealand’s produce sector is given every opportunity to flourish, as well as ensuring the financial prosperity of the nation as a whole, and what do our resident team of ‘contrarians against change, particularly-if-it-involves-the-possibility-of-fiscal-betterment-for-anyone-at-all, activists’ do?

They like to grab at a very little part of the information on whatever topic it is currently fashionable to deride then, without so much as even bothering to try and gain full comprehension of the facts or to perhaps come forward and pose a few reasonable questions, they throw together a number of unrealistic reasons that this prospect will be damaging to New Zealand and – let’s be fair – the environment therein then waste an innumerable amount of money and resources staging protest after protest; feverishly, irrationally lobbying against a cause which, I think deep down they know is worthwhile and know furthermore, they will never stop…

Anyway, the TPP has been a thing for a while now. Leader of the Opposition, Andrew Little has been seen at the centre of many interviews regarding just this Agreement.

…Ultimately I think this group of recurring contrarians just like to encumber national progress, also to feel as though they have had an influencing hand in big decisions.

Mr Little’s problem as I see it is that now the TPP has gone ahead and has already been shown to unequivocally be of future benefit to the nation, he can’t rightly say he disagrees with it for fear of being labelled illogical or, in my opinion, stupid, but of course nor can he say he is in agreement because that would, heaven forbid, have him siding with National.

It’s a dilly of a pickle alright and that right there, that is why I chose never to become leader of a major political party.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Polly Utti Kell

Photography by  Con Tray Dashen