I am celebrated for my benefit yet feared for my wrath.

I am known to take a number of forms yet all are along.

I am occasionally a tether yet seldom do I become a fetter.

I am a tool of support yet formerly a tool of discipline.

I am often made from animal hide yet do not hide animals.

I am sometimes perforated by the end yet hardly ever holy.

I am at times used to transmit drive yet not drivers within.

I am in rhyme with a tip pen yet not to be mistaken for suede.

I am a life saver in a car yet a pants restrainer on the street.

I am also a shelter provider on farms yet not so much dairy.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Silence

Auckland’s famous One Tree Hill is arguably closer to, but still not really, living up to its name.

I can recall vividly the day, all those years ago, when One Tree Hill’s famous lone monterey pine was for the umpteenth time desecrated by protesters; only this time it was damaged beyond repair thus had to be finally put out of its long-standing misery.

For a long while after that day international tourists would come to Auckland and they would view our beloved One Tree Hill, but with unspoken mockery, as if to say, ‘Sorry, how many trees did you say there were?’

Well, Len Brown and the Auckland council have seemingly had enough of this kind of ridicule – ‘No more shall One Tree Hill be a shameless misnomer at which the rest of the world chortles’, they have said; ‘No more will Aucklanders be forced to lower their heads in shame while awkwardly explaining how in fact there did used to be a tree there but what with so much racial tension in New Zealand and so many indignant radicals and so much irrationality and impetuous behaviour and the unnecessary destruction that sometimes comes with that…’ is what Len Brown and the council might have said…

After enduring years of sporadic vandalism – Maori activists reportedly perceiving One Tree Hill’s towering monterey pine as symbolic of their oppression at the hand of the White man – in 1999 a radical by the name of Mike Smith used his chainsaw to thoroughly ring-bark the tree, leading to its eventual removal.

…So now the issue has been rectified; not surprisingly though such was the compounded feeling of shame after 16 years of One Tree Hill having not one tree, they’ve gone and overcompensated.

Now adorning the area where a single mighty monterey pine once proudly stood, nine totara and pohutukawa have been planted – New Zealand natives in the hope the New Zealand natives will not feel oppressed.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Opie Rashun

Photography by Nate Tiff Fewd

I am the same always yet I do go on.

I am without diction yet convey meaning.

I am dull to some yet adorable to others.

I am without clothing yet known to cloak.

I am powerful enough yet easily broken.

I am without cadence yet known to fall.

I am intangible yet I am often embraced.

I am nothing all at once yet one I am not.

I am always left over yet never behind.

I am without feeling yet evoke thought.

I am everything yet I am nothing at all.

I am without features yet recognisable.

I am resilience yet only come at the end.

I am not a sound yet I do sound glorious.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Passport

The current funding requirement for the New Zealand Defence Force has come in at $20 billion over the next 15 years.

A shade over $1 billion a year from the semper fidelis taxpayer would go towards the cost of upgrading the nation’s ability to defend itself – according to reports this will include ‘American built, subsonic drones’ (as if this reporter forgot that ‘subsonic’ in fact refers to anything travelling at less than the speed of sound and to the learned ear adding this term does nothing but take away from the greatness of these impressive and highly sophisticated aircraft) – which, aside from the aforementioned unmanned craft, will be focused on ‘cyber’ upgrades…

I never thought I’d see the day where satirical comedies such as The Simpsons, who long ago poked fun at the notion that one day wars would be fought by robots or via computers, could be considered prophetical.

…Asinine as it sounds, it seems our military stalwarts will now be boning up on their knowledge of all things tech so they can ‘hack New Zealand’s enemies’ to keep our nation safe…

I guess nobody anymore actually needs to fear an outbreak of world war, or dig themselves a bomb shelter in preparation for that impending nuclear attack – all people really need to do is change their passwords and upgrade their antivirus software.

…The biggest threat to New Zealand’s safety now it seems – now that Al Qaeda has gone out of fashion and ISIS appear to have fallen dormant around the first world – is online, where instead of killing millions in a genocide, a declaration of war will likely now comprise some zit-faced piss-ant threatening to hack your hard drive, steal your postcode, then infect your computer with some insidious strain of malware…

I shouldn’t mock, it’s great that little ol’ N-Z is keeping up with the rest of the world with its tremendously fast subsonic drones, but I really didn’t think that the integrity of my life would be reduced to a few stupid passwords.

…Computer hacking is the new weapon of the future and New Zealand are getting onboard.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Sit Fayced

Photography by P S Antz

I am an official document yet by most am rarely used.

I am called upon suddenly yet put away just as quickly.

I am keen on air travel yet never do I see the sights.

I am costly for what I am yet valuable for what they are.

I am often glanced at yet I am always scrutinised.

I am known to become invalid yet time can change.

I am an essential item yet often feared forgotten.

I am akin to a notebook yet book no notes at all.

I am small yet accustomed to being stamped on.

I am not a friend yet do hold a photo of my closest.

I am seen passing ports yet a name should simplify.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Garland

Child Youth and Family are lobbying to have the age raised at which criminal offenders are tried as adults.

CYF believe that trying 17-year-olds as adults will cause debilitation to the long-term development of that supposedly youthful offender…

This cry for leniency comes around the same time that dozens of New Zealand dairies and liquor stores have undergone recent break-and-entries by these very groups of teenage boys or girls, which in fact have left a number of the aforementioned proprietors suffering life-threatening injuries.

…In an attempt at explaining away the seriousness of these offenders’ actions: ‘Some people’s frontal cortexes aren’t actually fully developed until they are twenty-five years of age, so…’ …

Whether the logic centres of those behind New Zealand’s influx of petty robberies are or are not fully developed, the fact remains: most of the victims of these shameful criminal acts have families; many of these family members are left emotionally scarred by the mistreatment they witness upon their loved one, at the hands of these brutish thugs.

…The Sensible Sentencing Trust doesn’t appear overly concerned with frontal lobe development either: ‘The fact that these kids lack the understanding to fully appreciate that there will be consequences to their actions, doesn’t mean they should be given a free pass.’

The issue seems to be that the deterrent presented to these aspiring thugs is not deterrent enough; while the teens behind these crimes might indeed be deficient in logic they are far from stupid – in many cases the sole reason a youth has been delegated to commit said criminal act is because they are aware that, such is the disarray of the New Zealand legal system, there will be no serious reprimand even if they are apprehended.

The wife of one such Auckland dairy owner, who witnessed her husband being beaten by a group of teenage boys and girls trying to rob their family’s livelihood, has professed to a feeling of constant unsettlement and the inability to feel safe in her own home.

Imagine then, stunting the development of a group of adolescents who are only ever destined for a life of criminal activity anyway, in favour of the mental stability of the productive members of our collapsing society.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Cece Otty

Photography by San K Teetee

I am rather attractive yet will deteriorate quickly.

I am intricate by nature yet do not require breath.

I am in fact two things yet both are of similar kind.

I am quite fragile yet lived alongside the pyramids.

I am often seen at the door yet I will never go in.

I am well known in my ring yet inside I am hollow.

I am an accessory yet seldom get ahead nowadays.

I am big on Caesar yet never ate any of his salad.

I am leaving for flowers yet I will get around to it.

I am named like the cat yet I finish on an expanse.

I am ending the cigar landing starting about now.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Woman

When a species of animal is said to be ‘protected’ it means they cannot be harmed in any way by hunters, poachers or indeed, man in general.

Rendering the above statement downright contradictory is the fact that over the past while there have been a number of instances where these supposedly protected creatures have been gunned down, not by hunters or poachers, by the very people who were in charge of overseeing their protection.

There was a case not so long ago of a man who came to danger on the inside of a lions’ enclosure; not in any immediate peril zoo staff attempted to tranquilise the animal. The tranquiliser missed its target, instead hitting the man. Whether the zoo staff then panicked or just ran out of ideas, a proud lion died that day.

There have been other, less memorable instances but one which occurred recently, in which a young boy managed to enter the habitat of one of the world’s most endangered creatures, a silverback gorilla, is a fine example of modern man’s idiocy.

A boy finds his way into a silverback gorilla enclosure presumably to have a closer inspection. The gorilla quickly befriends and starts playing with the boy. Of course onlookers are horrified and start calling for the gorilla to be slain. Suddenly a captive creature becomes the villain of this manmade fairytale. It is decided that because tranquilisers will be too delayed in their effect the only option is to kill the great primate. This majestic gorilla which was captured by humans then put on display by humans for humans, now dies at the hands of humans.

Regarding the above story, some maintain the belief that zoo enclosures should be utterly impenetrable to both animals and humans; I believe as long as they contain whatever beast lies beyond the fence they ought to be fine – any human who wants to push through does so at their own risk.

Others are claiming the mother of the boy should be held liable for any damages, including one irreplaceable, dead silverback gorilla – of course she’s liable – if not for her inattention a highly endangered, captive gorilla would still be alive today.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by N Deign Jarring

Photography by P Pull