Monthly Archives: August 2015

Tim Walker’s Aggravated

Pretenders frontwoman, Chrissie Hynde, has caused outrage by asserting that some female rape victims are responsible for the actions forced upon them.

Ms Hynde maintains that the scanty manner in which some woman dress, along with the provocative manner in which they behave, is sometimes responsible for the sexual assaults which befall them.

Obviously these remarks have been met with uproar by woman’s rights advocates.

Chrissie Hynde, 63 – a rape victim herself – simply had the courage to verbalise what many woman of the older generation are undoubtedly thinking but because this is such a sensitive topic, of course, to speak candidly about it is strictly forbidden.

It may be a truth, but it’s a truth that no one is quite willing to accept.

Sexual assault is a horrific crime, yet it seems to me that in these modern times where the reminder of sex is everywhere, attractive women can perhaps do something towards avoiding the potential of sexual assault; as Chrissie Hynde put it, “I’m walking around in my underwear and I’m drunk, who else’s fault can it be?”

On that note I’ve heard multiple stories of Christchurch girls who, following a big night out that even they struggle to recall, claim to have had sex forced upon them; dressed to seduce, attempting to arouse, hoping to provoke – I’ve seen the kinds of girls who make these claims and I have little sympathy for them.

What certainly wasn’t of his own doing though, was Woolston liquor store worker, Gursharan Singh, who had five bottles of spirits broken over his head by a pack of idiot teenagers trying to rob the place. These reprobates were eventually caught by police and are now before the courts on the charge of ‘aggravated robbery’.

Seriously, those idiots smashed five spirits bottles over a man’s head and all they get is aggravated robbery..?

Try attempted bloody murder.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Drah Stu Imp-Russ

Photography by James Beam Buttle

Tim Walker’s Antibiotic

Since the advent of penicillin in the late nineteenth century, antibiotics have been slowly killing mankind.

Granted they have miraculously cured a great many along the way but as a people, the rip shit ‘n bust technique employed by antibiotics has left many of us with enfeebled or sometimes, irreparably damaged constitutions.

A problem arose when some people began perceiving antibiotics as a cure for all illness; although when it comes to infection they are a certain miracle-drug, against anything other than infection all antibiotics do is harm the user.

Despite this truth there were still people who, at the onset of the cold or flu virus, would load up with antibiotics in the hope this would mitigate their symptoms. While it would in most cases prevent the inherent mucus from becoming infected, leading to respiratory or ear infection, this flagrant overuse of antibiotics has lead to a world where many illnesses and diseases have developed resistance hence are now impervious to its effects. Further to that, attempts to locate variants of the drug are becoming increasingly futile.

As well as scientists having difficulty in finding effective antibiotic replacements meaning there might one day be no easy way to fight infection, then there is the issue of what antibiotics are doing to our insides. Given their desire to kill everything in the body showing signs of decay, antibiotics are responsible for wiping out a users entire supply of digestive bacteria, rendering digestion from there on in something of a non-event…

Antibiotics’ counterpart, pro-biotics was developed to aid in the regeneration of the digestive bacteria thoughtlessly massacred by antibiotics. These come in capsule form and must be kept cool until usage.

…Seemingly we are not prepared to curb this reckless use of antibiotics until we have succeeded in fashioning a race of – on account of the inability to digest basic minerals – malnourished weaklings susceptible to every kind of infection that life can throw at us.

I am unsure exactly what kind of forethought Mr Pasteur put into his declaration that penicillin was going to cure the ills of the nineteenth century but it appears that now, from the twenty-first century, modern man need to do some forward thinking ourselves.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Callum Awl

Photography by Di Ore Ayjah

Tim Walker’s Odds

How very refreshing it is to see someone with the courage to take on New Zealand’s almighty All Blacks.

This Kiwi reportedly wagered $130 thousand on the All Blacks to not win the 2015 Rugby World Cup.

As one might expect New Zealand’s rugby fraternity is in uproar that someone – a New Zealand citizen no less – could show such an audacious display of treachery towards our beloved all Blacks.

Personally, not a bad bet; not a silly bet at all. At odds of $1.55, should this punter win his gamble he stands to make over $70 thousand…

Should he lose the bet, of course, he’ll lose his $130 grand stake but realistically, what are the chances of New Zealand taking back to back World Cup victories – a feat no team has before achieved – and winning away from home this time?

…Therefore, given the vast opportunity for an All Black failure – quarter finals, semi finals then potentially, the final – I actually think the odds ought to be shorter.

This fine gambling man clearly has the money to lose and if it were me, in a similar situation, you can damn sure I’d take the bet.

Mind you, since 2005 I’ve taken a $20 bet on the Warriors each year to win the NRL; how do you reckon that’s paying off?



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Aud A Chist

Photography by Gum Blair

Tim Walker’s Maturity III

Approximately twenty-four years ago a woman told me that girls mature faster than boys; over those years I developed somewhat of an adaptation to this claim.

Indeed, women like to think they mature faster than men.

My assertion relates to what I believe is the woman’s general desire for superiority, because far as I’ve seen through my life’s eyes women have done little to reinforce that initial claim. Pretentious maturity in women..? Sure, see it all the time – young women acting all grown up and holier than thou, attempting to pass themselves off as mature but who you just know are still lacking any ability to take responsibility for their mistakes and who are furthermore, just as financially irresponsible as they were ten years ago.

Fiscal responsibility notwithstanding though, a younger person’s ability to accept responsibility for their own, often questionable, actions I believe represents a large part of the maturity gauge; it relates directly to self-assuredness hence self-confidence and thus the big one, self esteem.

A person who repeatedly shirks responsibility for their mistakes therefore, is not what I would consider a ’mature’ person. Some of these people in fact will deny any wrongdoing to the point where their own brains will actually vindicate them, thereby allowing them to make that same mistake again and again, never realising or accepting that their actions are the cause of the mishap.

Difficult as it might be to believe, even from this middle-aged stance I know a number of similarly aged people who maintain the above ‘avoid and deny’ philosophy. I used to even offer the occasional slice of advice to these people; alas I am now forced to stand by and watch as they insist on making the same basic error again and again, over and over…

Without self assessment there is really no way a person can improve themselves.

…Some years ago, must have been around 2009, I recall engaging in a discussion with a particularly opinionated young woman at my evening salsa class. In response to one of my classically backhanded comments, in what I suspect was intended to be an inaudible slur she muttered, “Yes, well girls do mature faster than guys…”

“D’ya reckon?” I queried with comical incredulity.

She turned, looked at me disdainfully and said simply, “Yes, I do.”

Weeks later I discovered through another female class member that this first young woman was in fact a training high school teacher who had just come out of a ‘heavy’ relationship. Apparently the boyfriend had ‘screwed her over’, laying claim to most every possession in their rented dwelling, ultimately forcing her to move back in with her parents.

My immediate expression of sympathy was met with the words, “Oh I wouldn’t worry about it eh, kind of thing happens all the time with that chick…”

Women love to think they mature faster than men and in some instances this is probably a fair statement to make; some men simply have no idea of how to handle themselves or the lives they profess to lead – they are pathetic people and chances are they will find an equally pathetic woman to continually remind them that girls mature faster than boys.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Matt Ure

Photography by Shirls N Boyce

Tim Walker’s Self-Defence

I am so bloody sick of shithead teenagers who think they can just walk into dairies demanding something for nothing.

I was ever so proud to see last night in a recent incidence of the above episode the owner decided, ‘No, I will not give you what you are asking and certainly I will not take your shit, you jumped up little good for nothing, fudge-packing, mouth-breathing, faece-eating, urine-gargling, semen-swilling piss-ant – not today, not fucking ever!’ …or something to that effect.

This Indian hero, also known as Rupan Patel, seized the assailant’s firearm, allowed himself to be hurled over the counter of his Rototuna dairy where he then wrestled the filthy shit-bag to the ground. This douche-bag, would-be offender then scarpered out the door and akin to the gust of fairy-dust he truly was, vanished with a poof.

Seeing the resolve in Mr Patel’s eyes, his unwillingness to become just another victim at the hands of New Zealand’s most pathetic example of person, gosh, I was so damned proud of that man.

Nobody has the right to make another feel intimidated; especially when the antagonist is some out-of-work drop-kick with no desire to do anything the least bit beneficial for the progression of the nation who probably expects to get by playing video games all day then leaching off the hard work of others by night, and especially when the aforementioned arse-wipe is one of many gutless wonders who prey on these family businesses, owned and operated by some of the hardest working people in our country.

New Zealand’s burgeoning multi-cultural society, while seen by some as a threat to the nation’s identity, has in fact become the essence, the strength; the beauty of this country.

As for you, you bigoted piece of shit, travesty of a petty criminal, you’ve missed the boat. Burglary went out of fashion in the 90s. You are a waste of human resources. Robbing dairies is no longer even an efficient way to make money. Grow a conscience and above all, for Christ’s sake grow up.

Moreover stop being a dick.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Dick Baggy

Photography by V Ann-Grey

Tim Walker’s Theory VII

Watching television at home last Saturday night – because I am that lame – through empirical channels I was able to gain certainty on a theory that I have pushing now for some time.

Yes, I realise this page is headed ‘Theory’ not ‘Fact’ but please, bear with.

My theory, as I’m sure is shared by millions of New Zealand’s viewing public, was that advertisement breaks are becoming longer…

The fact is, they’re not. Today’s ad breaks run for approximately three minutes, just as they did ten years ago.

…Given that the movie I was watching, Zombieland, I had seen on two prior occasions thus wasn’t expecting to see anything new, I felt able to take the time to measure the advertisement to movie ratio.

I understand that in this current world of digital this and computerised that, using an analogue, sweep-movement clock on the wall to achieve this might be perceived as somewhat of an archaic strategy but that’s how I roll; the fact that this clock sweeps rather than ticks is quite enough technology stimulation for me, thank you very much.

In the old days a show would run for around seven minutes, ads would come on for three; therefore in a half hour show a viewer could expect to see three advertisement segments. For half hour shows that is still more or less the standard. For movies though, it’s a little different.

Movies used to follow that same plan but now, those television broadcasting companies appear to be trying to outsmart that destitute sector of the nation’s population who still watch shows as and when they reach the respective TV sets. (Admittedly it does feel a little odd to be referring to my 55 inch LCD as a ‘TV set’ but hey, I’m old school.)

Now for example, in a two hour free-to-air, run-time unadulterated but still heavily censored movie, the first twenty minutes to half hour will be uninterrupted. I can only imagine this technique is to draw in those impoverished viewers for what is set to be a veritable advertising bonanza. As previously stated ad blocks are still three minutes long; it’s the frequency with which they appear that is astonishing.

Zombieland, which was a good watch the first time around with its Emma Stones and its Woody Harrelsons and Jesse Eisenbergs, this time I observed ran for that initial half hour uninterrupted. No complaints there. Three minutes of ads ensued before four minutes of insatiable zombies. It was exciting stuff. Another three minutes of ads flicked by before five minutes of increasingly voracious zombies. Marvellous. Three minutes of ads; five minutes of show. Three minutes of ads; four minutes of show. Three minutes of ads; four minutes of show. Three minutes of ads; three minutes of show.

That last one pissed me off to some kind of unprecedented extent where even Eisenberg’s comical brilliance, Harrelson’s dour humour and Stone’s sultry manner couldn’t save it for me.

If I were any kind of man I would’ve been straight on the phone to talkback venting my frustrations to that large percentage of retirees who leave a radio running all night on their nightstand; alas as a 32-year-old still-budding cantankerous character, my only retaliation was to go to bed.

All this advertising makes me wonder though, what the hell are those idiot TV companies doing with all that extra revenue? Advertisers pay handsomely to encroach on our viewing time and exhibit their wares, yet almost all the movies showing on TV1, 2, 3 and Four are being rescreened for the umpteenth time as though they can’t afford any newer releases…

I’ve seen The Bourne Identity four times; I have seen The Bourne Supremacy only three times, but that’s on again this weekend.

…All this bloody advertising and they can’t afford it..? Really? I understand that I’m not likely to see a movie on my TV screen until at least two years after it hits the big screens but shit, when TV2 screens a 2013 release in 2015 then the next year that same movie is adopted by TV3 along with the tag ‘Premiere’ to confuse all the forgetful Freddies out there into thinking they’re seeing something new when all they’re really doing is seeing a three-year-old rerun hand-me-down from another channel, well, gosh, it is very frustrating indeed.

Honestly, with all this extra advertising, is it that new movies are costing the television companies so much more or, and this is my theory – so thank you to those of you who hung in for the duration – is it that broadcasting CEOs are simply becoming progressively wealthy?



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Ria Rahn

Photography by Will Thea-Ceo







Tim Walker’s Trading

New Zealand Government is taking steps to relax prohibited trading laws over Easter; leaving the decision instead in the hands of local council.

As with any major Government shift, half the country is in uproar while the rest don’t appear to give a damn.

The issue many are taking with the impending law change is the fact that a percentage of workers will lose several days of statutory downtime, with ANZAC day, Christmas day and Good Friday reported to be the three remaining staples…

Personally, the only one of the aforementioned days that means anything at all is ANZAC day; the other two are based on a fairy tale and in my opinion the only reason they’re being perpetuated over a couple of thousand years on is to push the sales of low-quality goods to an ignorant public.

…I wonder how it is that, despite most of the people I know maintaining no religious stance whatsoever, the majority of our nation’s holidays are based around just that.

Seems to me it’s patently hypocritical to jump on board with a celebration, the essence of which one shows no support.

I understand that as New Zealanders we love our big, garish Christmases because of the way our atheistic beliefs have manipulated them to symbolise what we want – family, relaxation, food and alcohol; we maintain Easter largely because our kids love the excitement and perhaps also because we love chocolate – something which, according to Christian belief, has absolutely no relevance at all to the symbolic nature of the day.

The point is, as time goes on these days are bound to become increasingly adulterated and adapted to meet our own desires. The fact that we still attempt to ‘honour’ religious holidays by prohibiting a favourite national pastime, is nothing short of asinine.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Trav S Tay

Photography by Acer Nyne

Tim Walker’s Lieu

It’s common enough for workers who have been active during a day which they would otherwise have off, to be awarded a ‘day in lieu’.

This lieu day entitles them to replace a typical workday with a day of rest. Given that I have been active for the past two Sundays, I feel one of these days might be warranted.

Each time I end up doing an uncharacteristic Sunday post, before I go to bed that night I tell myself: Right, no pressure tomorrow; late start; we’ll be cruising…

That’s the theory anyway. That’s the way I feel Sunday night; it just never seems to work out that way come Monday morning.

…I invariably wake early on Mondays. It pisses me off royally. Lying in bed I then start to go through my archives, searching for an idea – some engaging topic to expand/exploit. This morning it was Lieu which, at first whisper doesn’t sound all that captivating but that’s not the point; the point –

Hey, what do you call two days in lieu followed by a decade-long infestation of army ants?

Dude, I have no idea.





No no, I heard you; that just makes no sense.

Yeah it does, ‘cause lieu then a decade is ten and –

No. I’m having a day off.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Louis Tenant

Photography by Lew Day

Tim Walker’s Double

If the rest of the world is allowed to be outraged at photos of skinny girls, why am I not allowed to feel a similar sense of injustice at photos of chubby ones?

Of course for many women staying slim is a constant battle and to them the sight of one of those naturally skinny girls is simply infuriating; much easier to just vilify those girls than to exert effort maintaining your own figure…

The fact is: just as some women are destined to be plus-size, others are destined to be diminutive; just as some women will always have a bulge, others will always have exposed ribs.

…Those plus-size protesters who spend their time ripping shit out of ‘skinny models’ while celebrating their own disproportionately high Body Mass Index are running a massive double standard. Those girls are big supporters of ‘feeling happy with your appearance’; yet have no trouble turning around and belittling fashion models for the way they look.

Many people believe it’s based on genetics; I think it’s more to do with lifestyle – some eat for pleasure while others do it out of necessity.

Personally to see chubby girls flaunting their bulges; being proud of a life of over-eating, under-exercising and all around sloth is repugnant.

In a time where diabetes is New Zealand’s number one killer promoting plus-size models as a ‘refreshing alternative’ to the typical skeletons we see on the catwalk, is nothing short of hypocrisy.

Agreed, don’t promote ‘skinniness’ as a woman’s target appearance but for Christ’s sake people, you can’t just go around claiming ‘plus-size’ is the natural and healthy alternative.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by U E Tua Mush

Photography by X R Size

Tim Walker’s Taxi

Why am I still hearing about Karl Anglem and his unofficial taxi service?

The story of a Timaru man providing his friends with safe transport home from local pubs and bars became knowledge some days ago and at the time it struck me as patently idiotic – that or an attempt at publicity for the businesses involved…

Karl Anglem maintains he doesn’t require payment for the service he provides and given his sobriety at the time, he sees it as nothing more than a friendly gesture he is beholden to offer.

…Which is precisely why I refused to comment. Since then the claims and accusations surrounding Mr Anglem have become ridiculous to the extent where part of me still believes the whole thing is a joke. Timaru Taxis are claiming that his Samaritan behaviour is doing them out of business; they consider his actions illegal.

A joke, maybe; farcical, certainly; illegal, really? This, at a time when one of television’s most recognisable advertisements ends with the slogan: ‘Stop someone from driving drunk … Legend.’

Nevertheless, as they are obliged to do with any complaint – farcical or otherwise – police have landed Karl Anglem with an official warning.

It now looks as though, for frequenters of Timaru’s licensed establishments who wish to avoid an invariably exorbitant taxi fare, the only way to ensure everyone remains appeased is to respectfully decline the goodwill of sober friends and, well, to quietly drive themselves home.

Seriously..? Drunk?

Well if they don’t have $40 for a taxi fare then yeah, I guess so.

But that’s illegal..?

Yeah, but apparently so is what Karl Anglem was doing.

But I thought driving drunk was one of the worst things somebody could ever do..?

Yes, you are correct, driving drunk is one of the worst things somebody can ever do but seemingly, if that somebody is not willing to forego a couple of hours’ wages to fund their short trip home, that’s what Timaru Taxis expects them to do.


That’s the image they’re pushing.

But couldn’t they just get a ride home with somebody else, like, a sober friend instead?

You mean somebody like Karl Anglem?



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Donna Draphy Dronk

Photography by X Orbitan Tex-Affair