Monthly Archives: February 2016

Tim Walker’s Bullying

A recent survey revealed a dirty truth about school students that many parents might find difficult to accept.

Every parent wants to believe their child is a warm-natured, pleasant-spirited friend-of-the-schoolyard; alas it turns out a high percentage of these aspiring men and women are in fact anything but friendly.

Statistically speaking, the aforementioned parents’ children are probably bullies.

In an unsanctioned study of 100 Year 11 – 13 students across a variety of Mid Canterbury schools – rural/urban, private/public, Boys’/Girls’ – over 80% claimed they had in the past year engaged in repetitively malicious treatment of their peers.

Alarming as this number was, it is the patterns which can be deduced from the results that are truly remarkable.

Typically it appears that those who consider themselves part of ‘popular’ groups are more likely to dispense bullying, while interestingly, students who reported an intention to leave school within the coming twelve months, perhaps indicating a greater outlook or ambition, less likely. Following that trend, students who report knowing what they want to do with their lives upon leaving school, similarly have less desire to disrupt the lives of others while at school.

The most common forms of bullying reported were, unsurprisingly, computer or phone-related and although in comparison to old-school methods cyber-bullying might appear less harmful, to the kids on the receiving end of such abuse, assuredly, there is no difference.

Results show that while the act of bullying is most prevalent in Girls’ schools where technology is indeed the medium of choice, the problem exists in most every form and in most everywhere: bullying in the sense of physical or direct verbal abuse, while historically more of a male-orientated practise, seems to have become gender-irrelevant.

Not unexpectedly it appears that those who dislike school and attend only out of obligation are more likely to engage in mistreatment of their peers than those who enjoy their time; those with a passion for school and who maintain an above average academic standard are less likely to bully than those who have no passion or desire to contribute, leading to the following hypothesis: wholesome mental stimulation might just be the key to eliminating schoolyard bullying.

Of the 100 surveyed almost every student who had experienced bullying – either distributing or receiving – maintained the primary cause was boredom – “Nothing else to do”, one self-professed bully joked.

Of course there are other reasons that bullies persevere in their hurtful ways; most prominent is upbringing, lifestyle, and the resentment which is sometimes bred through family hardship.

Even taking into account other causes of schoolyard bullying, by keeping a student’s mind occupied and more to the point, focused on worthwhile tasks with the promise of brighter things to come, this child will hopefully have no need, no time and, importantly, no desire to mistreat their peers.

Bullying in schools has become the scourge on what would otherwise be happy and carefree lives for many students. There is no need for it: it is a senseless act that with the correct handling, I believe, can be abolished from New Zealand schools.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Belle Luttling Boyce

Photography by Bet Chi Grylls

Tim Walker’s Philanthropy

There was one douche-bag who said they couldn’t do it but when Kiwi patriots joined forces to Givealittle, nothing could stop them from buying back seven hectares of their own land.

The picturesque beach, part of Abel Tasman National Park’s Awaroa Inlet, was hitherto privately owned by a Mr Michael Spackman, having paid $1.92 million for the acquisition in 2008; unsubstantiated claims maintain Spackman had since come under financial distress leading to the property’s being put up for tender…

Through it all there was one douche-bag claiming they would never do it alone.

…Further leading to renowned philanthropist, controversial commentator, and all around cat-hating douche-bag Gareth Morgan (Gaweff to his friends) to step forward and offer his financial assistance.

As it happened though Money-bags Morgan and his renowned philanthropy was unneeded as New Zealand citizens managed to amass a total of almost $2.3 million; then if that was ever at risk of coming up short good old Uncle John stepped in with another $350,000 to seal the deal…

Morgan was vehemently opposed to Government money going towards the public buying back of this Abel Tasman beach, offering instead to front up with a cool $1 million on the taxpayer’s behalf.

…That Government assistance turned out to be fortunate indeed, as Mr Morgan’s act of philanthropy was revealed to include a few catches.

Gareth Morgan didn’t become filthy rich by giving away a lot of money.

Gareth Morgan isn’t generous, he isn’t benevolent, he isn’t magnanimous; he isn’t genuine and truth be told, he isn’t even a nice guy – Morgan was only willing to contribute his million dollars to the buyback appeal if he stood to gain from it…

To all those folk out there who still believe that John Key does not have the interests of New Zealand and its people therein at the forefront of his mind, please, continue.

…As a trade-off for this apparently benevolent contribution, philanthropist Morgan would require a portion of the Abel Tasman beach for his own personal use; this of course would include the ability to develop or to sell off segments at his whim.

Prime Minister John Key did not believe that any one person should be the owner of this pristine section of New Zealand beach so simply, he eliminated the chance of that happening.

I guess the moral of this story is that if someone wants New Zealand land returned to its rightful owners, merely complaining about the injustice won’t get you there.

Nor will masquerading as a philanthropic jackass.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Phil Ann Trophy

Photography by Moss Kerr-Aider

Tim Walker’s Theory XXXI

If we cast our minds back around 40 thousand years we might recall a planet overcome with ice; then thinking back even further – 60 million years and beyond – the dinosaurs had land on which to walk, indicating a clear cyclic phenomenon.

This week’s Theory therefore pertains to my belief/postulation/prediction that, since the icy age the world has been heating thus will continue to heat until that final drop of ice ends up in the ocean then via some as yet unrecognisable phenomenon, the world will again freeze thereby effectively restarting hence regenerating our broken eco-system.

Given this approximate 500 million year cycle though it won’t be for a few more years yet, so I wouldn’t worry…

What’s that you say? I’ve already done an Armageddon-based Theory, you say? Regarding climatic cycles and such, you say? Theory II, you say? Back when I could still be bothered exerting boundless perspicacity in developing new and/or interesting theories each week, you say? Surely not, I say.

…Alright, on checking through the archives it turns out I have a point – on the repetition thing, not the Armageddon thing; although I do still believe the Armageddon theory to have merit…

Obviously, or I wouldn’t have written it XXIX weeks ago and posted it under the heading ‘Theory II’.

…Additionally meritorious is my theory of the global population one day merging thus becoming one people, regarding skin colour and overall…

Ah, are you for real – do the words ‘Theory XI’ ring any bells?

…Alright, I’d better take your word for that one. Moving on: what about the fact that, keeping in mind the original lands – Pangea, Laurasia and Gondwanaland – and the movement of the aforementioned dirt which today sees the world comprising a multitude of different continents; also the effects of erosion and the fact that while it might appear that when a mound erodes in one place that particular area of eroded soil is lost into the air but in fact given the atmosphere that surrounds us matter can never actually disappear, similar to water it can only shift location, therefore the entire world one day will again be conjoined but as one gargantuan flat landmass..?

What about that, have I done that one before? No..? Alright then, I’ll perceive my inner silence as permission to proceed.

Add to that the fact that the flattening of Earth’s undulations will have to include the hollows that form the oceans but given there’s so much more water than there is land across the world this would result in the entire globe becoming inundated with a depth of several kilometres of liquid…

What, and I suppose then it’s going to freeze and ‘effectively restart hence regenerate our broken eco-system’..?

…Thus in conclusion, I hypothesise that with time the effects of gravity will effectively beat flat the entire world – just as gravity in fact formed the entire world, with its relentless compacting and rotating – and yes, in many millions more years, its resulting watery surface might again freeze.

Brilliant, you essentially plagiarised the plot from the movie Waterworld.

Dude, how would you know – you’ve never even seen the movie Waterworld.

That’s true, I just naturally assumed that’s the premise they would have gone for.

Anyway, unwitting (potential) copyright infringement notwithstanding, that’s my theory.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Kevin Costner

Photography by Wurdy Whirled

Tim Walker’s Virus II

Although I have touched on it in the past, never has this topic been more pertinent than it is right now.

A little over 150 years ago this planet’s population reached the 1 billion mark; just 80 years after that it surpassed 4 billion.

Today, after another 80 years, we’re somewhere around 7 billion so while exponential growth over last century has seemingly been stymied somewhat, with a perpetually aging global population, assuredly, that number is soon to blow out.

Obviously the one thing that would mitigate these burgeoning growth patterns is death; yet as a populous of living, breathing, consuming, polluting, warming, wasting, devastating and ultimately existing people, we appear to be doing just the opposite.

The inherent compassion found within most humans – which seems consistently to overpower any sense of logic inside those same beasts – has driven us to do everything in our collective power to prolong life – no matter how aged, hateful, or terminal – in what can be best described as the self-destructive goodwill of people…

Modern medical science is constantly finding new ways to render some of our World’s more impressive, most life-threatening diseases no more lethal than a common cold which, incidentally, did also used to have the power to take a life.

…Smallpox, Tetanus, Rabies, Yellow Fever, Plague – all the good ones are already gone, with the cures for many more within reaching distance.

Medical science is close to a breakthrough on the HIV virus, with the word ‘cancer’ also scheduled to lose its power to strike fear sometime in the coming years; even  venomous snakebites – whose contribution towards population management, while small, was still noticeable – are losing their ‘deadly’ reputation.

We as a people are killing ourselves.

Without the nonsensical plight of world wars to strike down large segments of the population, global pandemics and terminal disease in general are all that we have left.

With entire institutions now dedicated to ‘playing God’ in the sense that their sole ambition is to prolong life at any cost, I wonder who is going to be in charge of ‘playing God’ in the sense of extending this World’s ability to produce life-giving resources.

One thing’s for sure: when Earth and Nature teamed up to give a party like none before, neither expected quite such a turnout.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by May Kerr-Room

Photography by Turman El Dass-Cease


Tim Walker’s Theory XXX

In light of the suggestive nature of the above heading, this week’s Theory shall be considered both risqué and provocative.

I don’t know what it is yet though, so just give me a moment…

Indeed this week’s Theory pertains to the way that women like to maintain they exert a monumental effort to look their best ‘because that’s what you men expect’, and do themselves up to such a ridiculously superficial level ‘just to make you men happy’, while we male counterparts apparently have to do so little.

…The first point lies within the female-spoken phrase, variations of which I have heard multiple times: ‘We spend so much time doing ourselves up for you guys – hair removal, makeup, skin care and all that – then you guys just like come in straight off the farm stinking of cow shit…’…

Agreed, some women do spend an inordinate amount of time, and put in a great deal of effort presenting themselves; but is it really just to impress men?

…The female argument therefore is that there is unjust inequality regarding the time and effort thus overall standard of appearance surrounding the man/woman façade, but then while this inequality might be reality, is its existence necessarily men’s doing, or is it self-imposed? …

The fact is if a woman presented herself to the public wearing tatty clothes and looking ultimately dishevelled she likely wouldn’t so much upset other people as much as she would upset herself.

…Most men can relate to the frustration at being ready to go out, being right on the verge of departure, then having to wait as the woman suddenly requires additional time to ‘touch up’ something or to ‘redo’ something else…

Most men aren’t terribly hung up about those finer details of a woman’s appearance that she obviously considers of paramount importance; honestly, most men don’t even notice.

…Yet when a man complains about how much time a woman needs to ‘make herself beautiful’ he is invariably scorned and given the speech on how she has to do all these things while he has to do none of them and how it’s all for him anyway…

No woman will ever admit that the excess of time she spends on her façade is more for her than anyone else but that is the truth of the matter – nobody cares about the state of a woman’s appearance as much as she does.

…Admittedly women do have a great deal of upkeep with the hair removal (the nature of which, incidentally, hair or no hair, regarding the pubic region at least, I have never heard a man complain), the skin care (something which, in today’s modern world, most men do also), the makeup (an area which most men will agree is usually overdone), then there’s the hair washing (which I concede does take longer for girls) and lastly of course the choosing between the twenty different outfits that despite all being very much similar all look totally different depending on how fat you’re feeling…

My theory therefore is that as much as our feminine counterparts might like to try to convince themselves that their so called beautification time is not wasting time and in fact is all for us rather than primarily for them, is a pristine example of female delusion.

…Enough said.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Bill D Pippi

Photography by Pue Buck Ridgen


Tim Walker’s Injury II

Gosh, this one has been a long time coming – the post I mean, not the physical shortcoming.

Indeed the physical shortcoming in question, the injury, let’s call it – I guess plural if we’re being particular – generally, are merely old shortcomings having not been allowed adequate time to repair thus never totally freeing me from their burdensome handicap…

Ordinarily it goes like this: I acquire an injury, I give it a few days – by which I mean I afford it awareness for at least two days – where I then resume normal function; it’s this impetuous desire for resumption of function that I believe to be the key issue.

…‘You need to rest the injured area’, are the words I would likely hear if I had the sense to visit a physiotherapist or, in fact with regard to this latest ‘shortcoming’, perhaps a chiropractor…

Where body parts manifesting shortcomings have in the past included, thus to some extent currently include, ribs, neck, groin, wrist, shoulders, elbows – and just like the rhyme – toes, the present (and never seen before) injury pertains to what I have expertly (self) diagnosed as, a pinched nerve of the lower back.

…I first experienced the discomfort sometime towards the end of the week-before-last but expected – as men tend to do – that given time the problem would rectify itself…

Which over that weekend and ensuing Monday it largely did: so there.

…Then come Tuesday night’s class, through sensible tactics (rather than throwing myself into the sport as if the very future of the planet depended on my sweating out tantamount to four litres of water on the way in, I managed to survive on just one bottle) I woke Wednesday morning feeling relatively spry.

Of course to any man worth any kind of anything to anyone, that level of progress is as good as full health; needless to say come Thursday night, having refilled my depleted bottle, all four were again required.

Friday morning, to my total surprise, I struggled to put on my socks.

So that’s the most recent complaint but taking into account the few days of rest I have already given it – push-ups, chin-ups, road-cycling, mountain-biking, hedge-pruning and lawn-mowing being the only strenuous activities in which I have partaken – then with the few more hours of downtime to come before the next onslaught of jiu-jitsu, that pinched nerve thing should soon become nothing more than just one of many niggling little recurring injuries.

That’s middle age for you.




Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Ria Kerr-Ring

Photography by Shaw Cummings

Tim Walker’s Drunkard

Downton Abbey star Brendan Coyle recently pleaded guilty to the charge of operating a motor vehicle with almost three times the legal breath-alcohol.

The incident took place on New Year’s Day after Coyle had spent practically the entire month of December last year at a rehab clinic in Thailand, seeking help for his alcoholism.

On disembarking from the plane from Thailand Coyle has fallen into the drivers’ seat of his BMW and proceeded to drive home, presumably a cured man.

He was pulled over by police a short time later and found to be very drunk.

Brendan Coyle, 52, is the head butler in the award-winning television drama Downton Abbey but in reality, it seems he’s just another famous person with too much money and not enough genuine hardship to keep him occupied.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by O T I Runny

Photography by Col Starr Ray-Brew

Tim Walker’s Dating

In the spirit of adventure I recently ventured onto one of those Asian Dating sites that are so prolific in floating their advertisements around the web; I even invested the lowest denomination of allowable currency just to see what would happen…

What happened indeed: for a site that seems continually to be altering its identity between AsianDating, AsiaDating; AsianDate, AsiaDate; DateAsia and AsianBeauties – clever title nuances that lead a potential customer to, well, over the years seriously question his sanity – DateAsia as I most recently knew it, did look mightily appealing.

…They take your money, that much is given; they then charge ‘credits’ to message the ladies, and further credits to read the ladies’ replies…

It ought to be noted that prior to embarking on my DateAsia quest I did in fact consult several websites under the heading ‘legitimacy of dateasia’, with perplexing results.

…You’d better believe I was sceptical – right from the start I was looking for a way to unequivocally condemn this ‘dating site’ and, in the beginning, given the corny and repetitious nature of ladies’ responses it appeared to be a certain ruse – then I took into account the fact that messages going both ways will have had to be translated thereby losing much of their personal essence, also that message templates were in play for less imaginative men/women, thus afforded the site some leeway…

The first ‘legitimacy of dateasia’ result was in hindsight, presumably, written by the American founder of the site himself and delivered an ‘impartial’ insight into DateAsia: maintaining, ‘ladies appeared real enough’ – using a pathetic before and after makeup example to show how efficiently women can do themselves up, in an attempt to explain away the unlikely event that 100% of these women are simply stunning in appearance – then even giving reasons for the site’s regular name changes – something about ‘keeping it fresh’ – claiming that he could see ‘no reason why anyone should assume DateAsia wasn’t legitimate’.

…Unfortunately there was inadequate leeway in the world to compensate for DateAsia’s wondrous assortment of supposedly single and self-professed ‘desperate for love’, yet exquisitely presented and mindblowingly gorgeous paragons of perfection.

…The second result was much less credulous and effectively negated every claim made by the first guy then suddenly, the whole racket started to make a lot more sense…

Where the first guy maintained that if it was a scam then these ‘poor unfortunate ladies’ were being scammed too and given their clearly inhospitable living situations this was a genuine hardship, which admittedly does engender sympathy; the second guy maintained that these women were obviously in the employ of the company managing the scam and were likely being paid very well for the task hence generating quite the comfortable lives for themselves, which engenders no sympathy at all.

…The fact is as much as these 18 – 55-year-old women claim to want to ‘be rescued’ from their current situations, to marry abroad and propagate a family with any man aged between 18 and 70, there will always be something to prevent them from making physical contact, or in fact even from transferring to basic email; they will keep a client in conversation, telling them what they want to hear and making them feel as though they are the only man in the world, while of course paying both ways for the honour, but never actually allowing any progress.

I didn’t stick around to find out how it ends – what the women do or say to eventually shirk the man, or if they keep them hanging on indefinitely – all I know is that I was swindled for 21USD and if those DateAsia ladies are to be believed at least twenty hearts broke when I opted out of the deal.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by D T Asher

Photography by Arn B Lee-Fable

Tim Walker’s Meds II

At a time where heartbroken Aussies are pushing the legalisation of medicinal marijuana, similarly heartbroken Kiwis are lobbying for random drugs tests in those professions where drug impairment could endanger public lives.

Revelations that the hot-air balloon operator involved in the infamous ‘2012 Carterton Balloon Crash’ was a renowned cannabis smoker and in fact at the time of the fatal incident had high levels of THC in his system have caused uproar among the families of the deceased, who maintain the belief that had the operator been drug tested prior to the flight, there would have been no tragedy at all.

Somewhat conversely, in Australia cannabis has been praised for its ability to sooth the anxious, to heal the ill, or to bring light to the darkness of a terminal cancer sufferer’s final days.

In New Zealand cannabis has been vilified for impairing the judgment of the aforementioned aeronautics operator, leading to his hot-air balloon colliding with power lines and falling from the sky.

In Australia it looks as though medicinal marijuana will soon become reality, in heavily sanctioned circumstances.

Everywhere you turn in New Zealand cannabis is still being outright vilified; never once is it considered for its inherent benefits.

Of course this Australian liberation is not intended to make the drug any more accessible for recreational purposes; on that fact Australasian Governments are very much in agreement – unless cannabis/marijuana is processed and marketed as a prescription health aid there is no reliable way to ensure complete taxation of the product.

Illicitly grown marijuana in New Zealand is currently so widespread that while legalisation of cannabis cigarettes would indeed result in pervasive smoking of the drug, it would likely generate little tax revenue for the Government on account of the continuation of its illegitimate sale.

Be that as it may, if we were all to take an objective look at alcohol and the volume of harm that it causes – unlike cannabis providing no realistic health benefits and causing no end of detriment yet providing the Government with a veritable goldmine of tax revenue – we would surely agree that it’s not the effects of cannabis that are the issue here.

It’s simply a culture, a worldwide stigma that has been upheld for too long.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Doe P Smore-Carr

Photography by Ben G Dran-Kerr


Tim Walker’s Theory XXIX

I recall pretending to listen while my teacher advised her class of Year 11 reprobates, ‘When studying for your exams it’s best to find somewhere absolutely quiet, or if you do want to listen quietly to music, make sure it’s classical music – that’s the only type that’s been proven to promote the learning process…’

I recall further that any attempt I ever made at ‘studying for exams’ was coupled with the irrepressible throb of ‘90s rock music and shit, I still did alright.

This week’s Theory therefore pertains to the belief that those who believed classical music to be beneficial to the learning process maintained said belief because that was the only form of music they themselves could tolerate and furthermore expected that if they pushed such a general and largely erroneous belief, they could perhaps convert the good wholesome rock listeners of the 1990s to their preferred breed of antiquated, geriatric and increasingly obsolete percussive abomination.

According to the boffins classical music stimulates the portion of the mind that controls learning (here’s me thinking it stimulated that sector in charge of registering immense boredom) and perhaps it does improve learning, in those people who enjoy classical music.

It is one thing to assert that a particular variety of music increases the learning ability of a particular group but indeed, quite another to assert that the same kind of music will enhance the learning capabilities of everyone.

Obviously, pleasant tunes have a calming effect on a mind and surely a calm mind is more conducive to the gleaning experience than an agitated one which, incidentally, is exactly what mine becomes with prolonged exposure to disagreeable music.

With that established I think I can safely advise anybody hoping to learn anything, that background music is invariably good, or invariably bad, depending on what kind of person you are; personally, background noise while performing any task is a necessity – as I write this in fact Black Sabbath’s War Pigs fills the occasional blank in thought – and if you’re the same, music is likely beneficial to your learning ability also.

My theory therefore: I do not believe people should pay too much attention to the grey-haired advisory: ‘Tests have shown one can enhance one’s studiousness by listening to classical music’; I think we ought to adhere to our own musical preference and ultimately do as we please.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Gerry Atrick

Photography by Pierre Cassin