Auckland city council is considering placing a road tax on some of its busier streets, reportedly in the hope of reducing congestion.

It makes sense additionally that Auckland Super City with all its booming infrastructure, thriving industry, swanky hospitality and its ever-increasing population should learn to take care of its own roads, and placing a tax of around 3 cents per kilometre, given that the number of automobiles driving upon those Auckland city streets appears to somehow be increasing with even greater rapidity than the population therein…

Here was me thinking that it only came around with every public holiday but it now seems there might actually be a constant road toll in Auckland.

…”It sounds like a great way to make money,” was the sarcastic comment from one such Auckland citizen, whose flippant laughter seemed to overshadow her lack of comprehension of the issue at hand; understanding that yes, indeed young lady, money does need to be made, because roadways require constant maintenance, so without somebody’s money, your beloved city and its already terribly congested roading network would collapse under the weight of so many latte-drinking commuters on their way to office jobs that they and the person in the car next to them could no doubt reach faster via an adult game of leap-frog, but perhaps more to the point…

Melbourne city have been doing it for years – using a simple system where an electronic device fastened to car windscreens registers the car’s presence at particular points along a road and charges the car owner accordingly – so we know the system works and it has obviously yielded some degree of success.

…More to the point Canterbury and in fact the entire bloody rest of New Zealand is goddamned sick to death of paying excess bloody road tax to fund your bloody Auckland roading.

Therefore, yes, to conclude, this potential Auckland road toll can only be a good thing for all involved.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Roe Dang

Photography by Toll Ryder

I am the end of the able yet the beginning of the rest.

I am without feeling yet I can cause a heart to break.

I am synonymous with pain yet endorphins provide relief.

I am not indefatigability yet I am a related antonym.

I am renowned for incapacitating yet am really quite nice.

I am a scourge to some yet I am sought after by others.

I am more acute in some bodies yet no body is above me.

I am a free spirit yet can be controlled by a strong mind.

I am a regular at marathons yet I usually wait until the end.

I am started with exertion yet I always finish with an ion.

I am audible like a tailpipe yet I emit identical dioxides.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Miracle

Without doubt Russia’s indefinite suspension from the Olympic Games is the only course of action the IAAF could logically have taken.

President Vladimir Putin claims that for the International Association for Athletics Federation to penalise a nation of athletes for the wrong-doing of some is ‘unfair’…

Every four years, whenever Russia prevails at an Olympic sport – hurdles, 100m sprint, boxing, etc – the entire world it seems awaits the results of the regulation drugs test with pessimistic expectations; some time later the results come back and as we all suspected, affirmative, a positive for illicit substances has been detected, the frontrunners are then shuffled up a place, losers instantaneously become winners, broken hearts are quickly mended, uproar becomes celebration and the world thinks to itself: why, in this age of high performance sports and the rigorous testing that comes with it, are these people still bothering in their futile attempts to bring to the sport their performance enhancing drugs?

…Unfair is fact that the rest of the world has to go through this rigmarole every four years, Mr Putin, unfair is the fact that your nation’s highest quality athletes are predominantly cheats; unfair is the way that so many of your nation’s athletes bring into disrepute the world’s greatest and most enduring sports tournament.

Some argue that the injustice lies in the fact that this suspension precludes every Russian athlete from competing when not every Russian athlete is a drugs cheat; I have no sympathy for a nation of sportspeople who, even after numerous public declarations that a mandatory doping check will be upheld for Olympic Games podium winners, still fail to ensure that all of their fellow competitors are clean and free from illicit substances.

Amid a land where the country’s Government has attempted to raise revenue by promoting the sale of cigarettes and alcohol, yes, President Putin, swallowing this particular pill must leave a terribly bitter aftertaste.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Russ I Anne

Photography by Doug Sheet

I am a rarity but not an impossibility.

I am intangible but not without essence.

I am the desire of many yet reality of few.

I am without emotion yet I evoke just that.

I am invariably a good thing yet indiscriminate.

I am without presence yet turn up in odd places.

I am well known in church yet loyal to no one.

I am without figure yet often seen as a saviour.

I am not to be seen yet am almost a reflection.

I am without feeling yet I distribute relief.

I am end of Kashmir before cleft with no foot.

I am supposedly responsive to prayer yet really?

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Belt

Teina Pora’s claim for compensation – after spending over 21 years in one of New Zealand’s most notorious maximum security prisons for a crime he most assuredly did not commit – has been accepted and will be settled in full in the coming days.

Pora was imprisoned in 1994 for the rape and murder of Susan Burdett – the same woman for whom, incidentally, Malcolm Rewa had previously been imprisoned for raping, but not for murdering.

Back in ’94, I recall at the time of Miss Burdett’s murder New Zealand Police suddenly found themselves under immense public pressure to locate and to convict the perpetrator behind this egregious act, but because all they could get Rewa on was a rape charge, Police simply selected a local drop-kick who was already a known petty criminal and coerced a murder confession out of him…

22 years later the above is a fact that, although widely accepted by anybody who cared to follow Teina Pora’s case from the beginning, the New Zealand Police Force now choose to dismiss as simply ‘an awkward situation’ with ‘no winners at the end of the day’; even going so far though as to commend themselves on some ‘good police work’ for managing to incarcerate not one but two men in Susan Burdett’s name.

…Given that Teina Pora suffers Foetal Alcohol Syndrome thus functions with the mental capacity of a child, the then 17-year-old’s testimony was never legally admissible in court anyway.

Mr Pora’s lawyer is unhappy with the more than $2.5 million compensation payout she secured for her client claiming, she ‘was asking for eight’ because ‘that’s what my client deserves’.

Teina Pora himself however, is just happy to have an apology.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by O Var Zillus

Photography by P O Leese

I am celebrated for my benefit yet feared for my wrath.

I am known to take a number of forms yet all are along.

I am occasionally a tether yet seldom do I become a fetter.

I am a tool of support yet formerly a tool of discipline.

I am often made from animal hide yet do not hide animals.

I am sometimes perforated by the end yet hardly ever holy.

I am at times used to transmit drive yet not drivers within.

I am in rhyme with a tip pen yet not to be mistaken for suede.

I am a life saver in a car yet a pants restrainer on the street.

I am also a shelter provider on farms yet not so much dairy.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Silence

Auckland’s famous One Tree Hill is arguably closer to, but still not really, living up to its name.

I can recall vividly the day, all those years ago, when One Tree Hill’s famous lone monterey pine was for the umpteenth time desecrated by protesters; only this time it was damaged beyond repair thus had to be finally put out of its long-standing misery.

For a long while after that day international tourists would come to Auckland and they would view our beloved One Tree Hill, but with unspoken mockery, as if to say, ‘Sorry, how many trees did you say there were?’

Well, Len Brown and the Auckland council have seemingly had enough of this kind of ridicule – ‘No more shall One Tree Hill be a shameless misnomer at which the rest of the world chortles’, they have said; ‘No more will Aucklanders be forced to lower their heads in shame while awkwardly explaining how in fact there did used to be a tree there but what with so much racial tension in New Zealand and so many indignant radicals and so much irrationality and impetuous behaviour and the unnecessary destruction that sometimes comes with that…’ is what Len Brown and the council might have said…

After enduring years of sporadic vandalism – Maori activists reportedly perceiving One Tree Hill’s towering monterey pine as symbolic of their oppression at the hand of the White man – in 1999 a radical by the name of Mike Smith used his chainsaw to thoroughly ring-bark the tree, leading to its eventual removal.

…So now the issue has been rectified; not surprisingly though such was the compounded feeling of shame after 16 years of One Tree Hill having not one tree, they’ve gone and overcompensated.

Now adorning the area where a single mighty monterey pine once proudly stood, nine totara and pohutukawa have been planted – New Zealand natives in the hope the New Zealand natives will not feel oppressed.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Opie Rashun

Photography by Nate Tiff Fewd

I am the same always yet I do go on.

I am without diction yet convey meaning.

I am dull to some yet adorable to others.

I am without clothing yet known to cloak.

I am powerful enough yet easily broken.

I am without cadence yet known to fall.

I am intangible yet I am often embraced.

I am nothing all at once yet one I am not.

I am always left over yet never behind.

I am without feeling yet evoke thought.

I am everything yet I am nothing at all.

I am without features yet recognisable.

I am resilience yet only come at the end.

I am not a sound yet I do sound glorious.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Passport

The current funding requirement for the New Zealand Defence Force has come in at $20 billion over the next 15 years.

A shade over $1 billion a year from the semper fidelis taxpayer would go towards the cost of upgrading the nation’s ability to defend itself – according to reports this will include ‘American built, subsonic drones’ (as if this reporter forgot that ‘subsonic’ in fact refers to anything travelling at less than the speed of sound and to the learned ear adding this term does nothing but take away from the greatness of these impressive and highly sophisticated aircraft) – which, aside from the aforementioned unmanned craft, will be focused on ‘cyber’ upgrades…

I never thought I’d see the day where satirical comedies such as The Simpsons, who long ago poked fun at the notion that one day wars would be fought by robots or via computers, could be considered prophetical.

…Asinine as it sounds, it seems our military stalwarts will now be boning up on their knowledge of all things tech so they can ‘hack New Zealand’s enemies’ to keep our nation safe…

I guess nobody anymore actually needs to fear an outbreak of world war, or dig themselves a bomb shelter in preparation for that impending nuclear attack – all people really need to do is change their passwords and upgrade their antivirus software.

…The biggest threat to New Zealand’s safety now it seems – now that Al Qaeda has gone out of fashion and ISIS appear to have fallen dormant around the first world – is online, where instead of killing millions in a genocide, a declaration of war will likely now comprise some zit-faced piss-ant threatening to hack your hard drive, steal your postcode, then infect your computer with some insidious strain of malware…

I shouldn’t mock, it’s great that little ol’ N-Z is keeping up with the rest of the world with its tremendously fast subsonic drones, but I really didn’t think that the integrity of my life would be reduced to a few stupid passwords.

…Computer hacking is the new weapon of the future and New Zealand are getting onboard.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Sit Fayced

Photography by P S Antz

I am an official document yet by most am rarely used.

I am called upon suddenly yet put away just as quickly.

I am keen on air travel yet never do I see the sights.

I am costly for what I am yet valuable for what they are.

I am often glanced at yet I am always scrutinised.

I am known to become invalid yet time can change.

I am an essential item yet often feared forgotten.

I am akin to a notebook yet book no notes at all.

I am small yet accustomed to being stamped on.

I am not a friend yet do hold a photo of my closest.

I am seen passing ports yet a name should simplify.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Garland