I would like to begin by making clear my stance on an indubitably PC initiated, modern day pseudonym. That, is, ‘Overweight’. By definition, relating to a person, overweight is being heavier than is considered proper for that person’s height; thus, overweight, weighing too much. So. Weight. That’s the key word. Fat? That’s another thing. For example, a flabby person, devoid of muscle tone might have a high percentage of body fat, while still being a reasonable weight in relation to their height. I would call this person fat. You might prefer to use the pseudonym, overweight. You would be wrong. They are not overweight, they are indeed, fat.

However, this piece focuses directly on people – regardless of height – who weigh a lot. Now, pay attention and put on your rational face. A 17-year-old boy weighing in at 52kgs, enters an aircraft terminal with 20kgs of luggage; he is followed by his father, a tall, broad man, weighing in at 103kgs, also carrying 20kgs of luggage. (Do not despair, this is not a maths quiz.) Now, the boy places his bag on the scales to be told, ‘That’s fine sir, there is no extra fee’. His father steps forward and does the same, ‘Looks like you boys are good to go then, that’s 600 dollars each’. So, the boy’s total weight is 72 kilograms while the father, in total, carries 123 kilograms. As their bags were similar weights, they have both paid the same fare, for the same trip, but on account of the father’s extra 51 kgs, the plane on which they are travelling, will potentially carry one less passenger. It will now make $600 less because of that one, strapping man. If this same phenomenon takes place, say, 20 times on this flight, that is, on 20 occasions somebody brings with them the weight of another person, that’s 20 lots of 600 dollars on which the airline misses out. Do the math; that’s $12 000 the airline could be using to discount your fare. Alternatively, if the opposite occurs, that makes 20 lots of 51 kilograms’ the plane is travelling light. 1 020 kilograms worth of extra freight that plane could be carrying; money which, again, could be coming off your fare.

As my example has illustrated, I’m not persecuting or discriminating against fat people – the fat isn’t the issue. It’s the weight. Basic physics: when an object is suspended in mid air, supported only by that air, what is its major acting force? There you go. If an airline knew exactly how much weight it was carrying, think how efficient air travel could be; they could carry a precise amount of fuel, they could perhaps load up with extra luggage, they could carry more passengers – the possibilities are endless. In my opinion, charging passengers for their total weight, that is, luggage and person, is the most logical concept I have heard since some clever bugger thought about bagging sliced bread.

Who is running the world these days – the pansy bloody diplomats or the blue collar realists? I’d like to think the latter. Fortunately I’ve grown accustomed to disappointment over the years.

For instance, when a foreign woman visits the shores of NZ only to be terrified, embarrassed and made to feel completely out of sorts – this is not a welcome, this is an ultimatum; conform to our primitive, pugilistic ways or be gone with you. Then we, as New Zealand high society, have the gall to be outraged..? Come on..? Somebody needs to pull their bloody head in.

Before you try to tell me this is not the almighty PC juggernaut at work, have a think. New Zealand as a country, who once prided itself on free speech, free expression, free protests and just about every other free action could imagine – including nuclear – in latter years has become so ridiculously precious that all anybody needs to do is utter in public the word, ‘Nigger’, and suddenly all hell breaks loose. It isn’t even that anybody really cares; it’s that we think we should care. Freedom of speech? What a crock. Said it before, I’ll say it again: what ever happened to ‘Sticks and stones…’ For God’s sake, words are nothing. They’re in the air. If we don’t want to believe, interpret or be affected by them, we don’t have to. That is our liberty as rational people. But we’re not rational anymore, are we? We as a nation are so tied up with restricting public speech, that this particular right of passage, has been clean forgotten.

Who gives a damn that a broad from abroad wasn’t into rubbing noses with a group of men she had never met? (Is that not what we endeavour to instil in our children – don’t rub noses with strangers…?) Who cares that she was more than a little unnerved by a tribe of big, black, half naked, tattoo embellished men; jumping, lunging in her direction with upsetting facial expressions, brandishing weapons and in general, trying to intimidate their audience? Although I suppose, that is the point of a war dance.

My advice, New Zealand, get the hell over yourself. You are no better than other places and as much as we might like to think it, our culture is not unique. It is intimidating and often grotesque.

Never fear. The last thing I would try to, is impress upon you my wisdom of the detriments of alcohol. Yes, it’s a poison. Yes, it costs the nation millions of dollars every year in additional Policing and the like. Yes, our livers would no doubt thank us if we swore off the stuff – but no. For as long as our idiot Government keeps it legal and freely available, why the hell should we abstain? Same goes for cigarettes. Admittedly, these two products are, unequivocally, drugs. No two ways about it, but they are legal drugs and my God, are they readily available. They are everywhere.

If you will allow however, I would like to focus today’s script solely on alcohol. As I’ve already mentioned, I have no desire to preach or to try and cleverly manipulate your thinking away from alcohol; this piece is intended purely as insight. It might open a few eyes as to the reasons we do things; but before that, let it be known, I have no qualifications in this field other than what I have observed. Also, I am currently a smoker and a big scotch drinker, so I’m about as impartial as they come. If that offends, please leave now.

As I said, insight. Picture this: you work outdoors, the weather’s been uncomfortably warm and humid, you’ve had a physical day; you’re hot, sweaty, tired, fed up and all you want to do is sit down. Yet the first thing you do after walking in the door, is open the refrigerator and crack a nice cold beer. Then you sit down and my God, that beer tastes sweet. You finish that one, you help yourself to another. Then another during you evening meal. Then perhaps another after your meal – because that beer just tastes so damn good – right? Wrong. Beer tastes like shit. Sure, I drink whisky, but come on..? Beer is bitter and leaves an awful aftertaste. Come to think of it, so does scotch. But beer is just so refreshing, right? Wrong. Well, partial credit. If it’s cold of course it’s refreshing, any cool drink is. Like water. Hell, come to think of it, I’ve had a hard day too. Splitting firewood – and not the sissy way either – with a six pound block splitter. So when I’m done, what’s the first thing I do? I pour myself a pint of scotch and ginger ale – half half ratio. Does it taste good? (As I sip it now I’ll admit, it’s an acquired flavour.) So no, not really. But it is refreshing…

People, come on. Wake the hell up. Like I said, water, fruit juice and to a lesser extent, cordial would have the same effect – in fact any liquid substance would do it. So why do we choose beer, or wine, or whisky, or rum, or some other homebrewed concoction with which I am unfamiliar? Is it the refreshment factor… or is it the alcohol? I know, I had some trouble with that myself, but sadly, I must concur. (Well, given that I’m the one speaking, it’s not so much a matter of concurring as it is, just saying stuff.) The point though, is that, while we might think that our bottle of booze is such a wonderful revitalising tonic after a hard day, ultimately, it’s the alcohol that lies within that ‘tonic’ which makes the whole experience so damned appealing. Still don’t believe me? Fair enough, I have difficulty believing myself from time to time; I’m not saying that alcohol is bad, no no, not for a second, I generally can’t get enough of the stuff; it’s simply that I feel people are tending to delude themselves on the matter. The reality is, the alcohol content in our drink is what’s making us feel good about the work we have done, making us feel proud of what we’ve achieved; giving us that rewarding, gratifying feeling of self worth that we as people, strive to harness and are quick to embrace. We choose booze when we want to relax, because it helps us to relax; we choose booze when we want to have a good time, because it helps us to have a good time; we choose booze when we want to be mellow, because it helps us with that, too. Gosh, what a wonderful, versatile beverage God has made for us. (Blasphemy? Perhaps – but what are you gonna do about it?)

On that note, my final word: drink alcohol if you’re into it, enjoy the shit out of it, just don’t kid yourself; be aware of why you are drinking it.