All this negativity surrounding New Zealand’s supposedly ‘polluted rivers’, ‘unclean streams’ and ‘unswimmable waterways’ seems to have pissed off the freshwater gods.

The diluvium that recently swamped Edgecumbe residents in New Zealand’s northern dairying hub, Bay of Plenty, soon after making landfall mercifully moved offshore; if only to allow the next cyclone an unobstructed run at the area.

I can almost imagine the conversation from upstairs: “Ungrateful mortals still seem to think the water’s not clean enough in New Zealand – I say, have they been to China? We’re hardly ever seen there anymore and they don’t seem to mind.”

“Yes, I must concur, in this day and age, it’s unbelievable, it really is.”

“Interesting, yes, New Zealand, such a puny slice of land, so very pervious to onslaughts of most any kind … Hmm, and despite our recent, prolonged absence from the east of their southern island, they’re still not complaining much there, are they?”

“No but then, those one’s never seem to complain about much of anything at all, in fact the only complaining we hear in regard to that portion of the country, is usually done by citizens at the other end of the country, on their behalf.”

“What, do those mortals at the southern end have difficulty articulating?”

“I don’t believe so, they just appear more content and indeed, less given to whinging than their northern counterparts.”

“Hmm, doesn’t make a lot of sense now, does it?”

“No it doesn’t, and what’s more, it’s usually the same groups of malcontents, too, doing the complaining.”

“Hmm, so what do you propose we do then, about this, apparent, plight of theirs?”

“Their supposed lack of freshwater..?”

“Quite, their supposed lack of it.”

“Well, we could always give them more autumn rainfall..?”

“More autumn rainfall – do you not think northern New Zealanders receive sufficient precipitation as it is?”

“Certainly, yes, I do, and they do, but if they are still unhappy with their freshwater quota, well, what else can we do?”

“I’ll tell you what else we can’t do, and that’s that we can scarcely allow them to go on grumbling about such a potentially serious issue – why they could end up giving us and our entire weather-god cohort a bad name in New Zealand, and we couldn’t have that now, could we?”

“You are correct, we could not have that.”

“However, at the same time we do need to teach these ungrateful mortals a lesson – we can hardly afford to have them thinking that whenever their situations become dire, they can simply start complaining and all their worries will soon be over, now, can we?”

“Again, you are correct, we cannot have that.”

“So, what do you propose we do?”

“Well, I suppose, we could unleash a second biblical flood upon them..?”

“True, drastic but true, although how would we isolate such a large storm so as to not punish those mortals in the lower half of the land? They after all, have done nothing to anger the gods and indeed, those ones seldom do.”

“I think, perhaps, a smaller flood then – big enough to devastate, but small enough to be contained by just one realm.”

“Even still, we must consider the errors encountered last time – the deluge cannot remain exclusive to just one area while leaving others completely untouched or, obviously, these modern mortals will realise something untoward is upon them – they will sense the divine influence.”

“Yes, I do agree … In this case I feel we must concentrate our rainfall over the problem area, while still soaking the rest of the nation in the process, but of course not to the same extent.”

“Hmm, yes, that might work … What are your thoughts on successive weather systems?”

“You mean, like, two in a row?”

“In succession, yes.”

“I suppose, if it was keeping within the guidelines of feasibility, it could be done.”

“Yes, well, I think you are forgetting that in this modern time – with what those idiot mortals like to refer to as ‘climate change’, even though the phrase they really ought to be considering is ‘evolving planetary weather cycles’ – regarding weather phenomenon, most anything is feasible.”

“Yes and incidentally, those ‘idiot mortals’ to whom you just referred, with their ‘climate change will destroy the world’ and ‘save the people from themselves’ mentality, are the very same bunch of idiot mortals who are unhappy with our recent allocation of fresh, clean and – you’ll like this word – ‘swimmable’ water.”

“Hmm, that is upsetting, but like I said, regarding the weather phenomenon pertaining to the projected devastation of this portion of northern New Zealand, you need not be concerned about ‘feasibility’ – in this modern era on planet earth, weather gods now have free reign, indeed, anything goes.”

“You do make a valid point.”

“Shall we say successive cyclones then?”

“I suppose that would work – but what will we call them?”

“Hmm, I think we should name the first after a woman.”

“You always name them after a woman, let’s name them after a man for a change..?”

“No, I decree the first, and the most devastating, shall be named Debbie, after the most tempestuous harridan I ever knew … You may name the other whatever you wish.”

“The second is to be not so powerful, is that correct?”

“At this point it seems only fair.”

“I shall name mine, Cook, then.”

“I thought you wanted a man’s name..?”

“’Cook’ can be a man’s name.”

“’Cook’ can also be a chef’s name.”

“Irrespective, I feel that the name ‘Cook’ is well suited to my, as you have it, lesser powered storm.”

“Or, in the spirit of fairness, we make both equally devastating..?”

“Man alive, how much do you dislike these mortals?”

“No, you’re right, but there still must be two – make sure the cyclones are successive.”

“As you wish – the first devastating and the second, not so much..?”

“Well, that will ultimately depend on how the mortals react to the event in question, in that, after the first – Debbie – they may be unprepared for a subsequent deluge.”

“I suppose, but, if you will permit, I would still like to instil in mine – Cook – a reasonable amount of destructive force, if only to measure those northerners’ resilience..?”

“As you wish.”

“Shall we put this ‘tutorial’ underway then?”

“Let’s, although, and this is perhaps the most important aspect, however violent the nature of the individual weather systems, it is imperative that the total ferocity of both storms is large enough to ensure that once the water has receded, leaving lakes, ponds and reservoirs flushed, rivers rerouted et cetera, to ensure there can be no more mention of ‘unclean waterways’.”

“Agreed … Let it be so.”

“Indeed … LET IT BE SO.”

 

 

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Suggy Gummies

Photography by Wea Tarse