Tim Walker’s Religion II

A little while ago, while standing on the doorstep of my very own home, I was violated.

The assailant was a medium-height, average-build, middle-aged, not particularly good-looking, yet not unattractive, woman.

From around two minutes into the encounter the conversation played out as follows.

 

Me:      “Right, so, given all you’ve just told me, would you say you’re a supporter of the Evolution, or the Creationism belief?”

Her:     “Creationism, for sure – it’s the only theory that provides all the answers.”

“All the answers, right.”

“Yes, well the Evolution theory is full of holes – unexplained segments in history.”

“But you believe your beloved Creationism has no ‘unexplained segments’..?”

“Evolution brings up only questions, Creationism provides only real answers.”

“‘Real answers’..? Really?”

“There is nothing false about Creationism.”

“Yes, ‘nothing false’, except the magic.”

“The what, the magic?”

“Well that’s how I’d explain the phenomenon of a lone being creating an entire planet in – was it seven days?”

“Our Lord created the Earth in seven days, yes – that was his first miracle.”

“Oh I see, so it’s not ‘magic’, it’s ‘miracles’..?

“Correct, there is nothing ‘magical’ about our Lord, he is simply a worker of great miracles.”

“Oh he’s your Lord, not mine … So, you guys refuse to accept the myth of magic – in fact it’s considered one of the ‘black arts’, if I recall – yet you happily explain away otherwise inexplicable occurrences with that terribly convenient term, ‘miracle’..?”

“Ah, was there a question, sir?”

“Technically that was the question, you might have missed it, no problem though, I have another … When that incestuous being, Jesus Christ -”

“Ah, I think you mean ‘celestial’.”

“I know what I said – by Creationism logic this entire world is one big cesspit of incest anyway, given our entire population descended from just one couple…”

“And we all would have been one big perfect family too, if Adam hadn’t sinned.”

“Ah, is that how you explain Black folk?”

“I beg your pardon..?”

“Well as the story goes, both Adam and Eve were White – as were Kane and Abel…”

“Yes, but then they sampled the forbidden fruit.”

“Ah yes, that old chestnut, beware of rotten apples with their blackened cores, curse the iniquitous and such – although back to my question … When Jesus rose from the dead, after being brutally executed no less, then somehow managed to avoid becoming a zombie – as is the fashion in today’s world – you maintain that his rising from the dead was a miracle, yes?”

“That was just one of his many miracles, yes.”

“Right, see you guys call it a ‘miracle’ where I’d prefer the term ‘magical’ or, perhaps more accurately, ‘mythical’ or, more to the point, ‘make-believe’.”

Sir, let me assure you, there is nothing make believe about our Lord and Saviour.”

“Yeah as I keep saying, he is your Lord, not mine, and that ‘Saviour’ part, well I can’t really abide that either but, back to it – you ‘assure me’ that your ‘Lord and Saviour’ is a genuine part of history, you know, rather than just being akin to Greek mythology or the like, but at least the Greeks can accept that their tales of gods, deities and other godlike entities are just myths and never actually took place, while you silly bloody God-botherers have become so entwined in this ‘myth of Creationism’, that your elders, your priests and the like, are all so bloody committed to the lie that is religion, that it’s actually warped your minds, like, you ‘pray’ to your ‘Lord’ – in other words you talk to yourselves – you ‘witness’ miracles – you perceive things that are not there – you are ‘healed’ by the hand of God – you undergo a quintessential placebo effect … Need I go on?”

“Please don’t sir, I think I understand your perspective … Your mind has clearly been taken by the Devil.”

 

At this point I choked. I honestly could not believe what I was hearing. So poorly scripted were this Christian door-knocker’s words, I actually glanced around expecting to see the Big Brother production team or something. ‘Your mind has been taken by the Devil’ – what does one say to that? Well, after forcibly recomposing, I’ll tell you exactly what I said to that.

 

Me:      “Ah … Are you are shitting me?” (I didn’t say it was an intelligent comeback, I just said that I said it.)

Her:     “When was the last time you went to church to worship our Lord and Saviour, sir?”

“Oh, shit, gee whiz, ah, last time I went to church, oh, must have been, shit, back in twenty-ten I think – although the only subject I was worshipping there was a pretty Hungarian girl I’d met in the days prior so, you know.”

“Yes, I do know … Sir it sounds like your soul is in desperate need of cleansing.”

“Yeah I dunno, last I checked it was pretty clean – I’m barefoot most of the time anyway.”

“Sir the only way you will banish the demons ravaging your soul is by repenting … Do you repent?”

“Ah, sorry, repent for what?”

“For your sins, sir.”

“Excuse me, how in God’s name can you profess to have any knowledge of my sinful behaviour?”

“I can see you are a good man, sir, but I can also see the Devil in your soul – I can see that your inner self is burdened by demons, sir.”

“Are you serious right now – are you actually saying these things to me?”

“I’m telling you what I see sir, that’s all, and I see your yearning for inner peace – our Lord and Saviour is offering your soul that very thing right now … Just ask for it and it shall be yours.”

Seriously … Offering my soul a cleansing and peaceful bath – on the shores of the river Styx, is that it?”

“Not in the river Styx, no, that would be silly, but he can save your soul – save it from the torment I see inside you.”

 

No question, I was tormented; I was being tormented by this pious witch standing smugly before me. I was also pissed off. It was a Sunday afternoon, it was blowing nor’ west, I was hot, tired, and I didn’t give a toss what I said or indeed, who I offended.

 

Me:      “My God, you have to be the most outspoken, audacious God-botherer I have ever encountered … What you are likely seeing as you peer unashamedly into my ‘soul’, is an over-fifteen-year-old portion of damaged brain, which you’ve no doubt gone and mistaken for a resting demon – both horrific, both unwelcome and yes, both pretty fucking torturous.”

Her:     “I mean no offence sir, really, I’m just telling it like I see it, that’s all.”

“And you see the inferno of hell burning in my eyes..?”

“It’s your soul, sir, it’s your soul that has been corrupted by evil, that’s what I see in your eyes.”

“Shit that happened a very long time ago, probably fair to say by now I’ve become at one with my inward corruption.”

“If you repent your sins and accept God into your heart, your soul will be cleansed.”

 

At this point, standing barefooted as I was on the porch, I casually lifted my right foot and gazed querulously at the sticky lump of something that had affixed itself.

 

Me:      “You’re right, turns out my sole does need cleansing, but I’ll do that in the shower soon – might ‘cleanse’ something else while I’m there too.”

Her:     “You need to repent sir -”

“What, for my iniquitous thoughts..?”

“Yes.”

“But shit I have those thoughts multiple times a day – that’s a terrible lot of repenting.”

“The Devil is in your soul sir, open your heart to God – do it now and be saved from an eternity of torment.”

“Ah shit, are you gonna be there too?”

“Sir, I work through God, and God is everywhere – God sees all.”

“So he’s like Santa Claus..?”

“No, Santa Claus is not real.”

“But God, Hell, and Jesus H Christ, are..?”

“As real as you and me.”

“See, you’re talking fantasy again … Talk reality – I suppose you deny past existence of dinosaurs too?”

“Not at all.”

“Right, because there is tangible evidence of dinosaurs’ being here.”

“Yes, there is.”

“Not that you folk seem to need tangibility – it’s more about ‘belief’ with you guys, yeah?”

“That’s not totally true.”

“So when were they – the dinosaurs?”

“When, I’m not sure, wasn’t that millions of years ago?”

“Around six hundred and fifty million years ago, yes … Now where were they?”

“Well, they were everywhere, weren’t they?”

“On Earth though..?”

“Of course.”

“That’s what I thought, the very same Earth that God built in seven days, with no workshop, no materials, no tools, no basis of any kind – except of course a prospective illegitimate but immaculate son who would apparently go on to become a carpenter – yet he built a planet on which life would later thrive … So how long ago was that, you know, by your beloved ‘Myth of Creation’?”

“The Theory of Creationism, sir, maintains the Earth was created, ah, it was created somewhere, um, somewhere between ah, six and ten, ah, ten thousand, years’ ago…”

“I’m sorry, you, you trailed off there..?”

“The Earth was created between six and ten thousand years’ ago.”

“So was that, I’m sorry, was that before or after the dinosaurs?”

“I beg your pardon..?”

“Well, according to your ‘beliefs’ – of which dinosaurs are evidently a part – Planet Earth was created no more than ten thousand years’ ago..?”

“Ah, that is, that is, correct.”

“But how long ago did we establish that dinosaurs existed?”

“Um, I don’t, I don’t recall exactly, was it..?”

“Yes … It was considerably longer than ten thousand years’ ago.”

“Ah, that’s right, yes, it was … But I think you are forgetting, you are forgetting about the miracle of God…”

“You see my point then.”

 

 

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Pie S B Levers

Photography by Des Count Fox

 

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Tim Walker’s Religion II

  1. Kelly Perazzolo

    Wow! Did she say which church she was from?

    “The Earth was created between six and ten thousand years’ ago.”

    Archaeological artifacts from Australia show that Aboriginal Australians migrated to Australia at least 40,000 years ago… wonder why God decided to create Adam and Eve only 6,000 years ago? ;)

    Reply
    1. mit.reklaw Post author

      Shit, Kelly, sorry, I don’t check this a lot – good to hear from you though.
      She might have said which church she represented but honestly, I didn’t care.
      Interesting to hear that fact about Aborigines’ migration; proving that ultimately these people believe only what they choose to believe.
      In today’s world, in my opinion, so much is known about everything that it is impossible to avoid the facts.
      Good to hear from you, Kelly, see you Friday.

      Reply

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