Tim Walker’s Draft-Factor

The final of New Zealand’s X Factor played out last night and it appears I am alone in my abhorrence at the result.

Going back ten weeks I had already crowned my winner: in my opinion Stevie Tonks had this year’s X Factor.

When he was inexplicably ousted some weeks ago, strictly by default, my crown was passed to the charismatic Beau; although I did think B T and the V were awesome, being objective, when compared with the surrounding talent, they fell just a little short – leading to my speculation that it was likely their novelty factor in being the first proper band on X Factor which drove them as far as they had come. It was Beau Monga, in my opinion, who deserved to catch the falling crown; still, good as he was, when it came to the pelting out of heartrendingly impassioned and seductively emotive lyrics, he was no Stevie Tonks.

It was without question Beau’s smouldering good looks and idiosyncratic affability that so endeared him to the masses, and while New Zealand’s X Factor is apparently not a popularity contest or beauty pageant –nor in fact is it even just a singing competition – it is, in its special, scripted reality, way, a combination of all three.

The winner of the show is supposed to go on to represent New Zealand, at least around the nation; at most, around the world. Granted, to have selected a winner based purely on appearance or character would have been erroneous but the aforementioned champion needed to have been a person that the nation was proud to have step forward, as their delegate or ultimately, as an envoy for the people.

Being the health and appearance conscious person I am, simply, I do not feel that Samoan-New Zealander Nyssa Collins (pronounced Neesa, rather than the more logical, Nissa) is fit to take on that role; in fact I don’t think she’s fit enough to do much of anything – least of all to dance while singing.

The reality of it is that this obese 23-year-old walking example of medical intervention who is practically guaranteed a spot in the Type 1 Diabetes queue and who – despite her black jumbo-jellybean appearance, at the end of each performance invariably received accolades from at least one of the judges on ‘how beautiful she looks’, even though no one ever commented on how beautiful Lili Bayliss, who genuinely was gorgeous, looked on stage – is no different to myriad other larger-than-life Polynesian songstresses who have come to call New Zealand home, who maybe enjoy a little success but then, who are quickly forgotten.

Mark my words, Nyssa Collins (no, I refuse to elongate the ‘e’ sound), after contributing to the image that New Zealand is overrun with disgustingly oversized people (also probably overweight, I wouldn’t know, my eyes only measure size, not weight), will be quickly forgotten and New Zealand’s X Factor will only embolden its reputation for being a show where unhappy girls who can hold a note and carry a tune, yet have limited genre versatility, can go for a short, sharp self-esteem adjustment.

Congratulations, Nyssa Collins, you won over a nation of tuneless imbeciles with their bloody pity votes.

I didn’t much care for your singing, either.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Di B Tease

Photography by Trav S Tay

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