Monthly Archives: July 2015

Tim Walker’s Never

Few months ago I started affording fleeting attention to the plethora of advertisements plastered around my ‘Daily Dose’ site.

Some of them really are comical; seemingly based loosely around the content of my own articles these advertisements range from ‘Bicycle Repairs’ and ‘Auto Shops’ to ‘Fitness Classes’ and my favourite, ‘Foods to Never Eat’.

Favouritism notwithstanding the one that popped up on a recent article genuinely annoyed me; I am quite familiar with, and in many ways inured to, the aforementioned supposed doctor’s line of ‘Things to Never do’ narrations – flaunting a decidedly limited range spanning all the way from eating to exercising – but this particular ad was entitled ‘4 Veggies to Never Eat’.

I guessed this would be just another cliché-ridden, hyperbole-infused endorsement directed at that special variety of processed-food subsisting, once-in-every-three-day defecating, unequivocally-medical-profession advocating, slothful idiots who detest any food that doesn’t come tightly enclosed in a plastic wrapper and whose ingredients comprise more numbers than genuine food elements, and closed the page.

The thing is though, I have in the past succumbed to my innate curiosity and clicked on one of these ‘Never’ advertisements. It was a video detailing advice from a suavely dressed, sveltely accented, apparent American doctor, regarding the five foods to avoid ‘at all costs’ if one is having difficulty ‘shedding that unsightly excess’. I wasn’t surprised when fifteen minutes and three implicit sales pitches later, I had learned nothing of substance.

Suffice to say I closed the video before it had finished playing out, taking nothing from it but, importantly, giving up nothing either. I could only imagine how what I had just witnessed might be perceived by a weaker-minded, lazier-spirited and/or more gullible person looking for the easy way to deal with their, largely self-inflicted, woes. “Oh wow,” I imagined the person exclaiming, “this miraculous doctor so understands me, like he totally gets all of my issues, like, he totally gets me, and like, he knows how much I hate hard work, so like, if I go along with what he’s saying, oh wow, like, he’ll totally fix me!”

All he’s really done is use a heading that will prove eye-catching to those sorry folk out there who are searching for that easy fix to the issues and/or health concerns that have befallen them through a life of essential neglect by doing only what they want to do and at no stage would they be willing to do anything that goes against that doctrine of self satisfaction.

Ultimately he’s preyed on the weak. From there he will likely sell them a product or a plan or a product-plan that looks appealing and appears to go along with everything they’d always believed about nutrition in the first place…

It’s a crooked world.

 

 

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Salep Hitch

Photography by Nev R Tua-Du

 

 

Tim Walker’s Subway

I first became acquainted with Jared Fogle around ten years ago.

He was a frightfully large character and had this unholy fetish for eating Subway sandwiches. Sadly I lost contact with the man some years later, after hearing that his corpulent physique had been reduced to an unsightly excess of flabby skin and associated nappy-rash.

Some years after that I hear his Subway sandwich eating fetish has degenerated into something decidedly less innocuous.

This once exceedingly large then extremely flabby but still just a little overweight and always sexually ambiguous man, for some reason has taken his life of Subway fame down the much more sinister path of, allegedly, receiving and distributing child pornography.

Mr Fogle has yet to be officially charged with anything although raids on his home took place in Zionsville, Indianapolis yesterday.

For any to man to allegedly receive and distribute child pornography is an unthinkable act but Jared Fogle, the face of Subway?

I will never look at another foot-long the same way again.

 

 

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Fry T Fell

Photography by Flip N Sea

Tim Walker’s Novel.

On the 5th of July my latest novel, Pride in the Name, had been with HarperCollins Publications for three months…

I think.

Not really too sure, but during some deep recollection earlier this morning (who knew there was an ‘earlier’ than 5.30 a.m.?) I recalled posting it to the publisher on the 1st of some month – either March, April, or June, but not February or July. As I lay there contemplating (as I sometimes like to do in bed before 5.30 a.m.) the memories became progressively clear until yes, I recalled commencing writing somewhere around the end of February – either the 25th, 26th, or perhaps 27th, but not the 24th or the 28th – where I must then have written, unabated, through March until, as I recall, 33 days after writing the beginning, I sent the parcel on what must have been the 1st of April.

Alright, conundrum averted.

As lucidity further set in I recalled in fact, some weeks after posting the script, utilising the online tracking feature to, like an overprotective caregiver, check up on its current whereabouts. Regarding that piece of passive-aggressive parenting, in my mind’s eye, the ‘5th’ is burned into the cornea (along with some writing that I can’t quite make out). I deduced that this lone ‘5th’ must have been the date of reception therefore, three months after April, July has to be the month.

Alright, averted conundrum reinforced.

Now, according to what I learned ten or so years ago, three months is, without exception, the longest period any publisher will keep a manuscript under assessment before either accepting or, as is more familiar to me, rejecting the work. Therefore, it’s fair to say that after a script has withstood what I consider the immediate fail period of, say, two weeks to a month, the longer it stays away the better.

In saying that, my 6th attempt, entitled Dictionary, which by all accounts was a spectacular(ly wordy piece of shit) novel, stayed with HarperCollins for six months before I mustered the gumption to give the office in Auckland a call.

“Oh, gosh, Mr Walker -”

“Tim, please.”

“I’m sorry, Kim, but according to our records, it’s still, hang on, yes, there it is, it says ‘Dictionary’ is still under assessment…”

“Oh, shit, well, sorry, Anna, I mean, well, if it’s still under assessment then by all means, leave them be, I was really just checking to see that it hadn’t been lost…”

“Oh, OK, but how long did you say we’d had it?”

“Ah, six months, yesterday … But if they’re still assessing it, please, just leave them to it, it’s fine.”

“Oh no Mr Walker, six months is far too long, I’ll make sure they return it straight away.”

“No no, Anna, please, if it’s still being assessed it’s fine, just leave them to it.”

“No, Mr Walker, I’ll see that they get it straight back to you.”

“No, Anna, please, it’s fine…”

Few days later the yellow ticket turned up in my post box to let me know that ‘Dictionary’ had come home. The moral of that story is, much as publishing companies might like to maintain their ‘three month limit’ on manuscript assessments, it’s not always the way and excited as I was when ‘Dictionary’ surpassed the three month threshold, these days nothing is a certainty.

Anyway, the point of this really, was to let you know that, as of last week, you reached the end of part two – somewhere around the midway point of Pride in the Name. At this point in the story, if I recall, the North Koreans should be drawing nearer and the scene ought to be nicely set for the Walters family to embark on their wartime contribution. I didn’t plan it like this; I’d naively hoped to hear back from HarperCollins within the first month or two to say they were keen to print my work, and only then would I stop posting chapters. Realistically I hadn’t even thought about how far I’d go distributing my crudely edited excerpts, but I guess now is as good a time as any to stick in the proverbial fork. To those who were actually trying to follow the story, I apologise.

We’ll see. If it turns out none of New Zealand’s major publishing houses want to print the manuscript I hope to post it, along with the sequel, Pride in the Land – without which Pride in the Name actually falls a little flat (hah, probably should have told you that before you started but that would hardly have been sales-friendly now, would it?) – which is currently around 22,000 words deep, also myriad other titles I have on file which all require some adjusting but ultimately are all rollicking good reads, including Dictionary, onto my website as one of those e-book things and hopefully sell eleven or twelve copies…

I like to be realistic.

 

 

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Brie Ten Chase

Photography by Wright Herr

 

 

Tim Walker’s Gastric

Define irony:

One morbidly obese idiot, embarking on a hunger strike, in protest of ACC, refusing to pay, for his gastric bypass surgery.

Jason Patterson weighs 130 kilograms. He claims to have gained the majority of this excess weight after being put on a previous medication. Now he requires surgery for a hernia. ACC is willing to pay for this hernia operation. Understandably though, surgeons are unwilling to anaesthetise such an overweight person…

This in itself is not uncommon – at 130kgs Mr Patterson’s breathing will probably be laboured, he will be horrendously unfit and his heart will be pumping much more blood thus working much harder than it otherwise would. Ultimately his body will be under a great deal more stress than it needs to be; it therefore makes sense that he should first undergo severe weight reduction.

…ACC is not, however, willing to pay for the gastric bypass surgery that has been shown to result in a person’s quick and effective weight-loss, thereby enabling Mr Patterson to undergo his hernia operation for which ACC is willing to pay.

So he’s gone on a hunger strike. Nice one. I am unsure if this ‘protest’ is actually intended to sway ACC’s stance, or if he’s simply hoping that for the, reported, five days he’s already been starving himself, he might be on the way to shedding the excess preventing him from having his hernia operation.

More likely is the prospect that starvation-dieting is the only form of dieting he can manage; he clearly enjoys food and generally speaking, if he’s allowed his body to reach a state where he’s being declined surgery, he won’t have good willpower.

 

 

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Starr Vey Shinn

Photography by Stu Mack Staple

Tim Walker’s Highlander

What a tremendous thing to see the Super 15 trophy lifted in the south, and by a team other than the Crusaders.

Despite lacking both home ground advantage and the support of the greater New Zealand sporting public, the Otago Highlanders did it anyway, coming away with a hard fought 21 to 14 win over rivals, Wellington Hurricanes.

That’s the thing though and yes, I do realise how easy it is for me to say now that I backed the Highlanders the whole way, but I actually did. They had come storming through the Super Rugby rankings, in recent weeks defeating some massive teams including the NSW Waratahs, and I honestly believed they had the power to upset that other virgin Super Trophy winner…

Adding to the fact that the Hurricanes had beaten the Highlanders on both occasions they had met during the regular season, there was the impending difficulty of playing the final match away from the comfort of home ground support. Admittedly it didn’t look auspicious for the away side and understandably the Highlanders had gone into the match unequivocally donning the underdog tag.

…As previously stated, along with a passionate throng of southern supporters making the voyage north, I had faith in the Highlanders.

In a superb game where the ‘franchise’ tag has taken from Super Rugby teams any real sense of regional pride, given that many of the Crusaders side reside in Auckland and I assume the same is true of the Highlanders, controversial tries notwithstanding because I’m sure at least one errant blade of grass must have brushed the ball’s surface, I was overjoyed to see the Otago Highlanders come away victorious on the day.

The problem was I had so much faith, my bet was for a win of 13+…

 

 

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Jamie Joseph

Photography by Wynn Near

 

Tim Walker’s Scalping

On the morning of what promises to be New Zealand’s biggest Super Rugby match-up in years, sadly, this glorious rivalry has been tarnished by those who were quick to perceive this event only as a money-making opportunity.

The aforementioned match between the Wellington Hurricanes and the Otago Highlanders is scheduled to play out in Wellington; even so a great many ardent southern supporters were very keen to make their way up the nation to be a part of the spectacle. A seat at the Cake Tin was retailing for around $30; all they had to do therefore was to procure tickets.…

Tickets for the game first went on sale online; these sold out in under a minute. For the supporters of the old school of course there were still classic ticket-booth sales; these also sold out before many hardened supporters – some camping out under the elements to be sure of a purchase – could secure theirs. Further lots of tickets were later put up online and in the physical sense; all were quickly snapped up. It wasn’t long before all ticket retailers were sold out. Desperate fans turned to what is ostensibly the only place these days where New Zealand folk can buy second-hand goods, Trade Me.

…From $30 over the ticket-booth counter, some Highlanders/Hurricanes tickets were now going for up to $750. It’s a filthy practise but technically, given the abundance of loopholes, it’s not illegal. Arse-wipes who have zero interest in attending the game yet purchase a handful of tickets for their ‘friends’, who usually turn out to not be able to go after all, see that those tickets are quickly uploaded and, at about a 1000 percent profit, offloaded.

Scalping of tickets is a sickening practise. It deprives those genuine supporters of the opportunity to partake in an event, at the price set by the organisers of said event. I have heard the scalper rationale on the matter – “If they truly want to go, they should be willing to pay a bit extra for it…” – which is an utterly ridiculous thing to say. They shouldn’t have to pay ‘a bit extra’ because New Zealand is not a communist dictatorship. It is a free country where generally good people live their generally good lives, and ticket scalpers are the breed of degenerate outcast who have no compunction about preying on that goodness.

There is money to be made in the scalping game admittedly, one just needs to have scruples so depraved, so truly amoral that they have no appreciation whatsoever for the goodness, the decency that holds mankind together.

 

 

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Haye Chit-Bag

Photography by Ura D Jenna-Rit

 

Tim Walker’s Cancer IV

I do recall offering a warning about the astonishing prevalence of sequels.

Astonishing furthermore is the tenacity with which New Zealand, and indeed worldwide, media groups continue to play on our collective sense of unease; like when they tell us to wear sunscreen to avoid the sun’s cancer-causing rays, without bothering to mention that the majority of those creams/lotions contain cancer-causing properties in their own right meaning excessive use can lead to…

I guess the main thing is that people aren’t getting sunburned. They’re feeling much better about slathering their bodies in cancer-salve to avoid contracting melanoma skin cancer, while at the same time opening themselves up to a plethora of other forms of cancer thereby effectively negating the whole sun-smart/cancer-avoidance philosophy which I just know they were so hoping to abide.

…Cancer. It’s not false advertising per se, it’s misleading or deceitful advertising. Their creams do exactly what they say they’ll do: hide the bearer from the sun’s harmful ultraviolet rays for a given time. Anything else is incidental. Everybody knows that all drugs have side-effects, and refusing to recognise your beloved sunscreen as a drug won’t make it any less likely to kill you of ‘unrelated causes’.

Our ever-informative media also dictates that on top of sunscreen we should ‘wrap up’ with long-sleeved shirts, wide-brimmed hats, and of course sunglasses, lest we should look any less awesome than we absolutely have to. In fact according to what our media will have you believe, our sun in the sky and anyone walking the land with less than dark to swarthy skin, are simply not miscible counterparts. According to modern media these unfortunate fair-skinned souls ought to wrap themselves up in their cotton shirts and sombreros along with their aviators and granny-panties, ensuring a liberal daubing of cancer-salve before embarking on any kind of summertime excursion; but here’s the issue I take with that.

As warm blooded people we require heat to survive. Given that we additionally require adequate absorption of the minerals calcium and phosphorous – also a functional immune system to fight that big C should it eventuate – if along with our heat requirement we could grab some vitamin D to facilitate the aforementioned functions, I’d say that’d be a pretty big bonus, yeah?

Alright, who’s going to tell me the easiest way to pick up some vitamin D?

It should be noted, although sunlight hours during the winter months dwindle, the body’s requirement for sunlight doesn’t; which probably goes some way to explaining peoples’ lacking in wintertime vigour.

Gosh, but how does one subject themselves to the vitality that is sunlight, while avoiding the scourge that is sunlight?

 

 

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Muddy Ray Shinn

Photography by Isti Answer

 

Tim Walker’s Medley II

I feel as though sequels are the way to go at the moment…

Alright. The new All Black jersey has just been released and offers few surprises; it’s all black. So it’s not just a clever name. Apparently more technology has gone in developing this tightly fitted blouse than ever before leaving me to question a couple of points: for how long have NASA been employed by the NZRFU and, is rugby still considered a sport of hard men?

The Invercargill aluminium smelter is having difficulties and, like Greece, might soon be beyond help. As southern New Zealand’s biggest employer and Meridian Energy’s biggest customer, losing operation of this Tiwai plant, like the financial collapse of Greece, would be a devastating outcome.

Hey, that Hayden Paddon’s a man to watch; in the sport of WRC this guy is Possum Bourne all over again. Already with a podium finish in Poland, now let’s see if he can finish first in Finland.

A Port of Otago worker suffered injuries when his straddle-crane toppled, falling some forty metres to the ground, leaving the machine’s cab crushed. I just hope the guy was wearing his hi-vis vest.

Sadly the subject of my ‘Naïve’ piece was unable to sell his story to a Balinese judge after all; he plans to appeal the fifteen year sentence but in doing so, brings back the possibility of a death sentence. Only his family seem to believe this 52-year-old Whhhanganui man when he tells them the I.7 kilograms of methamphetamine he was trying to shift through customs was for a girl he likes.

Finally, five people were stabbed last night in Johnsonville; one is dead. What is with people? Seriously. Just stop it.

 

 

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Lycra U Nifform

Photography by Stubby McGee