Tim Walker’s Controversial

You know those weeks where frustrating little occurrences continually pop up around the world then seem to culminate about a point wherein agitation coupled with the subsequent aggravation join forces in an attempt to supplant your being?

Um … Not really.

Well what about in the news of late – the number of so called controversies that New Zealand is experiencing at the moment – does the mere mention of ‘enraged protesters’, ‘outraged parent’, or ‘social upset’, not piss you off because you just know the reason behind it is going to be asinine?

Ah … No, not really.

Just me then – alright, go a little wider, what about all the corruption and injustice in sport that’s coming to light at the moment – what about cricket?

Oh, yeah, cricket’s not bad.

It is bad though, that’s the thing … Shit it seems just about every tenth player is involved in corruption of some sort, then once they’ve served their ban and rejoined their team of course the stigma that hovers over them makes them lifetime pariahs across the sport.

Oh yeah, totally, pariahs.

Then there’s the ongoing issue with drugs in sport, with athletes from various codes continually being revealed as drugs-cheats…

What, drugs like meth?

…I don’t actually think methamphetamine is considered a performance enhancing substance – I suppose unless your sport has some requirement of manic sleeplessness.

Yeah, those meth-heads are dicks eh, drugs kills brain cells.

Right, but there are irritating issues closer to home as well – what about those mermaid tails and the mothers, presumably with not enough hardship to occupy their minds, who are kicking up a big stink at the council’s decision to ban them at public pools?

Those mermaid tails are hot.

They’d be hot if you wore them out of the water on a sunny day at the beach or something but not … You’re not talking about heat are you?

Nah man, they’re hot.

I imagine they’d be dangerous too, for inexperienced swimmers who need to stand up quickly or who find themselves in the deep and can’t tread water.

Nah, they’d be alright.

Yeah – how do you reckon you’d go swimming with your legs tied together?

But they’re not tied together, they’re just wearing those sexy fish-tails.

Yes, because nothing is sexier than a slimy, scaly, stinking fish’s tail.

Well they shouldn’t ban them anyway – I think they’re hot.

Fair enough then, we’ll just have the mother of the first girl who drowns after trying to put her feet down in chin-deep water, slipping then being unable to regain her footing and gulping a few mouthfuls until she can gulp no more call you, shall we?

If you want – I just heard one of them say it was BC going crazy or something, and I agree.

Close, what one of those mothers actually said was that it was a case of “PC going wrong” followed by another, additionally inspired opinion, “it’s PC gone mad”.

Yeah, that was it, BC gone mad.

I find it upsetting that these mothers seemingly have so little knowledge of water safety or indeed how quickly, how very easily somebody can lose control in the water, inhale some of the surrounding liquid and simply, become dead.

Must take more than that though – doesn’t it?

Dude, one breath while submerged is all it takes for a person to be rendered unconscious and if that person is not removed from the water within seconds, they will start to involuntarily breathe which, face down in a swimming pool, is not going to end well for them.

I still think they look hot.

Yes, and think how hot the position of a public swimming pool would become if a girl drowned on premises – ‘Why was somebody not watching?’ an angry parent might ask as though one struggling body amid a writhing mass of soggy teenagers is a clearly distinguishable feature.

You can’t see the tails under the water though.

Another good point – I just find it difficult to believe we have people in New Zealand complaining about something so trivial as this prohibition of mermaid tails, when the nation does actually have genuine concerns.

Yeah, like John Key pulling on that girl’s ponytail in that café that time.

Right, like that, or, as I mentioned in Implied III, one could say this is evidence of the ease with which life in New Zealand is lived – where the only thing to complain about is triviality.

It’s not that easy in New Zealand though.

My point was that in other nations, for example Indonesia where they’ve just undergone a terror attack along with numerous fatalities, I’m sure citizens aren’t terribly concerned with petty shit like the banning of their teenager’s favourite swimming accessory from municipal pools.

Man, those tails are hot though.

Yes or, back on the topic of New Zealand’s genuine issues, such as the recent number of apparently random and unprovoked killings across the North, such as the way obesity and its resulting health issues has become a Goddamn epidemic, and how New Zealand’s medical profession are only just now working out why half of the nation’s kids are so bloody fat…


Why? Seriously..? Try taking a pinch of ignorant parent, add a whole lot of sugar, mix in MSG along with some food colouring then find ways to justify feeding it to your child at every opportunity and see how it turns out.

Will it turn out bad?

Doctor, doctor, why is my child hyperactive? Doctor, doctor, why does my child refuse to go to sleep? Doctor, doctor, what is ADHD and what drugs can you give me to cure it? Doctor, doctor, why has my child stopped eating vegetables? Doctor, doctor, why does my child only want to eat heavily sweetened, highly processed foods? Doctor, doctor, why is my child so easily upset and crying all the time? Doctor, doctor, why is my child always getting sick? Doctor, doctor, why does my child have so much mucus? Doctor, doctor, can I have some antibiotics for my child’s ear infection? Doctor, doctor, what inhaler would you recommend for my child’s cough? Doctor, doctor, why does my child have no interest in school anymore? Doctor, doctor, why does my child struggle to get up in the morning? Doctor, doctor, can I have some more antibiotics for my child’s latest ear infection? Doctor, doctor, my child’s cough has gone but now can I get a different inhaler for this asthma thing? Doctor, doctor, why did the last course of antibiotics have no effect on my child’s bronchitis? Doctor, doctor, please, I can’t understand it, other than a sprinkling on their cereal they have no sugar, so, why is my child so fat?

Ah, I’m not a doctor.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Dick Thar-Cure/Si Defect

Photography by Pro Scription/Mort T Rubble


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *