Tim Walker’s Theory XXXVI

The first frost of the year befell the Canterbury Plains last week; amid an otherwise balmy month of March some might consider such an early freeze ‘unseasonable’.

This kind of supposed anomaly in New Zealand’s weather patterns plays right into the hands of the nation’s ‘climate changers’ – that quirky group of zealots who advocate the belief that man’s presence on the surface of the globe is greatly contributing to planet Earth’s eventual demise – who, seemingly forgetting that they too align with this unholy presence of human racers, like to blame any unusual weather phenomenon on people in general.

The fact of the matter is that the very same thing, the same early frost or two or even three occurs most years, it’s just that the majority of us don’t make a habit of recalling the precise way things took place over 350 days in the past.

This week’s Theory therefore, which if I’m not careful I’ll have documented in full before so much as writing the introduction, pertains to the way that the nation’s and indeed, this world’s populous of malcontents tend to perceive remarkable and upsetting instances to best fit with their beliefs and opinions while conveniently forgetting, or overlooking the actual facts that might go some way to undoing their theories.

Examples of the aforementioned assertion/accusation can be seen – in fact they can be witnessed in most every instance where so called eco-warriors have exerted their uninformed or often ignorant presence on the nation or often world in their attempt to stymie its attempt at progress or ultimately prosperity.

In fact climate change is just one example: despite the world’s major polluters being the likes of China, USA, Brazil, Indonesia, and even Japan, our own little band of climate changers still do their best to cause a ruckus regarding the ideal of ‘rigorous emission control in New Zealand’, as if a sparsely located population of five million (refer, Truth on Pollution) can make a difference when China shoots into the sky in ten minutes the amount of pollution that the whole of NZ does in an entire week.

Then there’s the grounding of whales around New Zealand’s coast (refer, Whale in a Pickle) which likely has more to do with the ocean’s increasing paucity of food, resulting in these whales’ intentional beaching thus suicide, than it does with these eco-warriors’ theory of disorientation; therefore all that’s being achieved by their refloating is effectively perpetuating these majestic creatures’ starvation, but of course listening to facts when they can create convenient fiction is scarcely the eco-warrior way.

What about that TPP thing? (Refer, Protesting VI; Little.) Did anyone ever find out what that abbreviation stood for? What about the nature of it – what it actually meant, I mean, or what it would mean? No, I don’t think any of those protesters bothered to learn the specifics of that particular agreement either – they couldn’t have, or they would have realised that not only is such an agreement vital to the future prosperity of the nation; had these idiot malcontents done some research into the Trans Pacific Partnership they would have found that this variety of trading agreement has been an integral part of New Zealand’s economy since the ‘80s there was just no need to bring it into the public eye because, well, shit, look what happened when it was.

Thus to conclude: my theory states that amid a nation of petulant, pathetic, penis-throwing malcontents, people, specifically, protesters, only ever really hear as much as they want to hear.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Iggy Norrant

Photography by Malcolm Tent



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