Around a week ago I received a daytime phone call where, as it turned out, I ought to have applied the universal ruling – the more ‘daytime’ the caller, the less important a response.
The caller was a delightful Asian woman who, in wonderfully broken English, introduced herself to me as Emily and who – through my comprehending every third or fourth word Emily spoke – was able to convey that not only was a survey in the offering, an ‘electronic music player’ would be given as appreciation for my time.
“Wonderful,” I recall muttering to Emily, “I acquired my first MP3 player at the last Christmas and it turns out that even those are about ten years behind the times, but seriously, you’ll give me a free one, just for answering your survey?”
“Yes, yes,” Emily pushed, seemingly unaware of my ridicule, “electronic music player – cost you nothing.”
“Oh wow, Emily, gee whiz, you guys are too much – go on then, let me at this survey, go on, Em.”
“Ah, come again..?” came the heavily accented, not unexpected response.
Five minutes, also a great deal of ear-straining on my part, later, and – quickly deciding no harm could come of it – after giving out my mailing address, I was told that I should be receiving my ‘free electronic music player’ in ‘three to four weeks’.
Few days ago I received a follow-up call regarding the ‘double confirmation of your mailing address’; to which I politely pointed out that this call should be considered simply a ‘confirmation’ as the first time I offered my address was the first time they had gleaned that particular piece of information therefore the second phone call to ascertain the aforementioned details was in fact the first time those details had been checked thus confirmed hence this was confirmation rather than double confirmation.
I think I lost her at confirmation.
Nevertheless Emily and her confounding array of broken English pressed on, informing me now of a ‘private function’, a ‘company introductory event’, in honour of the Li Bai corporation (pronounced, lie-bay), and indeed, I was invited! …
Obviously, I was overwhelmed; this was all happening so fast – I didn’t know whether to feel flattered that they’d selected me – or pissed off for the very same reason.
…Emily then gave me my ticket number which, remarkably, would double as a prize entry at the impending ‘function’…
“More prizes?” I exclaimed with (disingenuous) delight, “Surely not – not bigger than a piece-of-shit MP3 player..?”
…Emily advised me additionally that the Li Bai Corporation’s invite included a plus one, and in fact I would be expected to bring a date…
“Oh, gosh, Emily, the only person I could ever imagine taking to this thing would be you – will you go with me, will you be my plus one, Emily?”
“No, no,” she replied (I thought I could hear Emily blushing down the line), “no, I will be at the function – you may see me there.”
…So now all they needed was my email (or fax) address to send me my ticket.
“Alas,” I told Emily, now with (disingenuous) sincerity, “I don’t have my fax number on me – I think I left it back in the ‘90s.”
Powered now more by curiosity than any other emotion and again, quickly deciding that no real harm could come from divulging my email address (which, incidentally, was only recently returned to me after a prolonged period in which it was ‘compromised’, which I gathered was just another way of saying ‘this email account has been hacked by undesirables who are intent on stealing your personal information but if none of the above pith can be located – in fact I keep nothing of interest in my email account largely for this reason but also because little of interest is ever electronically mailed to me – you can have it back in a month’s time’), I soon received an, ostensibly credible, digital, cordial, invite to an evening with the Li Bai Corporation, in Wellington, at 4 – 9 p.m., on the 15th of August, 2016.
Giddy with excitement at the prospect I promptly transferred key words, dates and addresses to a Google address bar, to see what it might yield.
Imagine my despondence when before my eyes materialised multiple blogs – some well-composed, others manifesting great annoyance – all decrying the very function to which I had recently been so cordially invited.
I again checked the date of this supposed event; I then checked the current date. It was already late in the afternoon of Friday the 12th of August. No question, it was going to be a push.
If I was to make it to Wellington by 4 p.m. Monday for a company shindig along with the possibility of winning the prizes on offer and, of course most importantly, where I would have the opportunity to meet in person the glorious Emily, I had best make haste…
I took a moment to reread a few of the better written blogs elicited by the Li Bai name: I was aghast to find that apparently the first chap didn’t even receive his ‘electronic music player’; the second was told that he had won a car but because he was not present at the Li Bai Corporation’s introductory event on the 15th, he missed out; a third later received notification that he had won a $600,000 prize at the corporation’s function but was required to submit an ‘accounting fee’ before the money could be transferred to his account – he had prudently instructed them just to take this supposed accounting fee out of his total winnings but sadly, this was not possible therefore he never did see any of his ‘winnings’ either.
…Alternatively – as I conclude this piece shortly after 4 p.m., Monday the 15th of August – I’m sure the Li Bai Corporation will function just fine in my absence.
Besides, I doubt if the fabled ‘Emily’ has even been to New Zealand.
Article by Tim Walker
Edited by Fey Bold M’Lee
Photography by Con A Tempt