Tim Walker’s Standalone III

“You’re right, that is something, you should be very proud … So tell us about this ‘rejection’ bullshit you claim is so prominent in your love-life..?”

“What’s to tell – I go in strong, invariably I get shot down, indubitably I get back up.”

“Nah but that’s what I don’t get – you’re a good looking guy, I mean you must have pretty good game – there’s no way you invariably get shot down.”

“What do you mean – shit man, you’ve seen the down-shooting in action..?”

“What, when?”

“Oh, shit, Queenstown, April, last year … Couple of pretty French chicks … One pretty French chick in particular … Dancing, having a great time … Shot down.”

“Um, yeah I don’t know if I saw that actual moment, but it sounds like you’re setting your sights way too high.”

“What do you mean – you just said I was a good looking guy and there was no way I should ‘invariably get shot down’..?”

“Yeah but you have to be reasonable…”

“Hang on … So, if everyone’s out there being ‘reasonable’, setting their sights at, or near the bottom of the barrel, you’re saying that no one should get the prettiest girls..?”

“No, I mean, you know, maybe while you get back on the horse…”

“I wasn’t aware I’d fallen from the horse..?”

“Nah, you know, just while you’re getting, you know…”

“Shit, you say it as though I’m broken..?”

“Well, aren’t you?”

“I wouldn’t have said so.”

“But you haven’t had sex in about fifty years..?”

“Ah yes, I can totally see how half a century of sexual abstinence would break most thirtytwo-year-old men…”

“But you know what I mean..?”

“Honestly? No … As I said earlier, I don’t seem to regard sex with quite the same level of, I dunno, mortal importance, as you do.”

“’Mortal importance’..? You make it sound like I’m a sex-crazed maniac!”

“Well, aren’t you?”

“No … Oh, well …Sometimes, maybe…”

“Right, and I just don’t see it as that crucial to my ongoing existence … You know, I have other shit to keep me entertained – productive, worthwhile shit.”

“You’re saying that sex isn’t worthwhile..?”

“I am not.”

“Then what are you saying?”

“Thought I was pretty clear but, alright … I was saying that there are other things that may be equally if not more beneficial to mankind’s prosperity, than casual fucking.”

“But I’m not talking about casual fucking, I’m talking about sex between two people who love one another.”

“Really, wow, because for as long as I’ve known you you’ve been all about casual fucking – quick sex wherever you can get it … Now you’re all hung up on ‘lovemaking’..?”

“Fuck you man, I’m not a slut…”

“Not anymore, no.”

“So what are you talking about then?”

“In fact it was you who was talking about ‘sex between two people who love each other’…”

“Yeah, and I stand by that.”

“Stand by what?”

“Well casual sex is good for a while, like when you’re young an’ that, but everyone needs to find their soul-mate.”

“Nice, where’d you find that?”

“What? Oh shut up – not everything I say’s out of a magazine.”

“With you, if it’s profound, chances are it is.”

“Yeah well this isn’t.”

“What isn’t?”

“Oh … Ah, that thing I said.”

“Which referred to what?”

“Oh … Ah … Oh, it was fucking – hah, I was talking about fucking.”

“Thanks for that.”

“Yeah, and a healthy relationship is vital to a healthy lifestyle.”

“Oh come on … From what magazine did you pull that piece of bullshit sapience?”

“Shut up, didn’t I just say not everything I say’s from magazines? But if you must know, I got that from Cosmo.”

“Hah, yeah, sounds like another of your wonderful, Kim Kardashian quotes, yeah?”

“…No … Actually this was Kourtney.”

“So that’s the kind of advice she imparts to her sister, do you think – the kind of wisdom that’s keeping Kim and Kanye so tight, do you reckon?”

“I dunno, probably – so what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Who’s important in your life?”

“Ah … No one – human.”

“Well why not?”

“What lap’s this?”


“Just wondering how many times we’ve been here before..?”

“Well you haven’t given me a straight answer..?”

“Ask me a straight question…”

“Fine … Is there anyone currently in your life who you find attractive – who you would like to be with physically?”

“Gosh … There are plenty of young women around who yes, I do find attractive -”


“- But no one with whom I’d particularly like to be…”

“Be, what?”

“Be, with … No one who I find sufficiently alluring to warrant sacrificing the life of simplicity and beautifully tranquil peace that I have spent so long building.”

“What are you on about?”

“Women complicate.”

“Yeah, well so do men.”

“I assure you, I am intimate with no men either.”

“Well why are you avoiding women? I think you’d make a great husband, and father…”

“Alright then, here’s your challenge – find a woman who would be content to live the rest of her life with someone like me.”

“Oh my God, I’m sure that’s most women…”

“So, pick one.”

“What, and I suppose she’s gotta be blonde with big tits and a tiny waist as well..?”

“Certainly not … Dude, how conceited are you anyway – you just described yourself.”

“Yeah, well, from what I’ve seen that’s what most single guys want…”

“You will have noticed though, in the over-a-decade-or-so we’ve been buds, I am not ‘most single guys’..?”

“Guess not – but you do have pretty high standards…”

“I don’t think I’d agree with that either – I have my preferences, sure, but so does anyone … I’m not so deluded as to be blind to the fact that my idea of a perfect woman, is likely to be different to the one who might realistically end up sharing my life.”

“Good … I think.”

“Well, you claim that most women would be happy to live out their lives with what I have to offer … So who’s the first one?”


“Well, I naturally assumed you had some personalities in mind..?”

“’Personalities’, like famous people..?”

“Personalities like people.”

“So what, you thought I knew someone..?”

“I assumed, based on your ‘I’m sure that would be most women’ comment, that you had in mind at least one..?”

“Oh, no it was hypothetical.”

“You mean it was sycophantism..?”


“You heard me say something that you perceived as self-effacing therefore to stabilise my confidence you threw back the first reassuring comment that came to mind even though you genuinely believed it to be untrue or at best a very long shot … Sycophantism – I fucking loathe it.”

“Hey, ease up, Mr Negativity … Be happy, life’s a breeze.”

“Thought you essentially said life couldn’t be enjoyed devoid of a loving relationship … You know, that inspired Kardashian dribble you seem to so readily absorb..?”

“I didn’t say life couldn’t be enjoyed, I just said it’s better if you’re getting regular sex…”

“Regular exercise.”


“Sex … Exercise … They’re effectively the same thing.”

“What? No they’re not!”

“Really? Massive endorphin release, coupled with rush of dopamine, adrenaline and every other feel-good drug the body can manufacture and flood into the brain at euphoric levels … Physical exhaustion, contentment, feeling of achievement, self worth … You know, if I go out and spend three hours cycling 80 K then come back home, go out to my back lawn and spend an additional hour blissfully knocking one out, with spectacular results, what’s the difference?”

“It’s not fucking, that’s what.”

“To my brain it is.”

“Your brain doesn’t know shit – it’s not fucking.”

“Right, I think what you are saying is that perhaps, my way lacks the intimacy of your, more conventional method..?”

“Yeah, that and, it’s not fucking.”

“Yet it carries practically every constituent of sex.”

“Still not fucking.”

“But why does that matter?”

“Because, your way’s weird and not normal.”

“…Says the girl who’s always first with the, ‘Yeah but what’s normal? quote.”

“Well it’s not real, it’s delusion.”

“Oh, come on – half the sex industry is based on delusion.”

“Yeah, and it’s wrong.”

“Says you.”

“Yeah, and I’m right – it’s wrong.”

“I disagree.”

“Then you’re wrong, too.”

“The issue as I see it is that not everyone is a gorgeous blonde who loves her booze, and loves a good time.”

“Fuck you … The delusion of sex is not sex, and that’s that.”

“I dunno man, you ask my brain, after one of my mid-afternoon, backyard sex sessions, what just happened and I guarantee, it won’t know the difference … Ultimately exercise is a helluva substitute for sex and what it lacks, delusion makes up – besides, traditionally, for men at least, sex is exercise.”

“And it’s not for girls..?”

“Well, it doesn’t have to be…”

“Huh, if that’s what you think, you haven’t been fucking the right girls.”

“Are you serious? Dude, fuck, third lap, that’s the fucking point … I haven’t been fucking any girls!”



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Sash U Awl

Photography by Aston Ence






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