Tim Walker’s Polls

The New Zealand media conduct numerous polls with the intention of gaining understanding on, or learning the consensus of, a particular topic.

Informative as they are, the apparent contradictions frequently raised by these findings leads me to question whether these ‘general polls’ are even accurate…

A few years ago, at around the same time inflatable boatloads of refugees were being rescued (or sunk) by Coastguards around the world (but mainly in the Mediterranean), Prime Minister John Key was being vilified for not extending the quota of refugees to which New Zealand was providing asylum; now, that same Right Honourable John Key is being chastised for accepting so many migrants, based on the claim it is immigrants who are largely responsible for aggravating and perpetuating Auckland’s beloved ‘housing crisis’.

… Looking at it though, that might actually have less to do with inaccurate general polls and more to do with idiot New Zealanders who love to revel in the belief that they are the height of nobility yet when their plush lifestyles and/or modern conveniences are compromised, that benevolence mysteriously vanishes to be replaced with their more realistic, wholly self-serving, selves.

According to polls conducted over a year ago, New Zealand is willing to do what it takes to mitigate climate change; according to polls taken just recently Kiwi consumers are not willing to pay extra for ‘environmentally friendly’ products.

According to recent polls teenage pregnancy is becoming an increasing issue yet according to the News just last night, the creepy little cabbage-patch baby dolls distributed to female students by Family Planning in an attempt to stymie this problem – which are supposed to simulate real live babies by crying their fake little eyes out; also eating, pooping, and in general portraying little living nightmares – have actually had the opposite effect with a greater percentage of young women having cared for the pseudo-children in fact falling pregnant than those who didn’t.

According to polls taken throughout the year, New Zealand wants its Government to do more for the nation’s impoverished; according to polls taken twice yearly for the past hundred years, taxes are too high.

According to polls the minimum wage needs to be raised by around $2 every 6 months; according to polls employers should be more open to taking on unskilled workers – to whom they will then be forced to pay the current minimum wage and courtesy of recent Union movements they will likely be stuck with that employee for the next three months.

According to polls during the infamous Flag Debate of yesteryear, Red Peak was a clear favourite for the vote yet in the actual poll, the one in which we voted, Red Peak took a resounding last place.

Is it that our poll conductors are improperly compiling results or as the general population of New Zealand, are we just stupid?



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Bess Anne Tin-Shinn

Photography by Noah Ray Lism

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