Tim Walker’s Malingering

Whether this 31-year-old frame has simply had enough of its conductor and is staging a subtle revolt or is genuinely feeling the rigours of life as the embodiment of ‘hard slog’, it appears rather more disposed now than it was then to malingering.

Yes, one’s brain accusing one’s body of being a malingerer is indeed a peculiar thing; moreover when the accused is frequently in acute pain which, as a dutiful third party, I am pretty sure the brain can feel.

Seemingly at my late stage in childhood this mineral deficient, worn out and frighteningly unstable body is no longer so keen on all things physical; calling into reference a regime that used to be ‘all day everyday’ but on account of growing indoor commitments has been squeezed into ‘a couple of hours, everyday’, including a few dozen press-ups before breakfast, a few dozen press-ups during breakfast, a few dozen chin-ups with ab-curls after breakfast then if there’s still energy or strength or better yet both, there’s a dozen or so extremely awkward and physically demanding triceps/trapezoid/abdominal lifts to be done; this is followed by the morning’s workload of mowing, pruning, cutting, trimming, and/or mulching.

Somewhere in the midst of all that excitement, a few weeks ago, I seem to have upset the muscle that lies over my right shoulder blade. In fact I have experienced this kind of injury in the past which, given the disproportionate usage of my right arm, also the contorted poses into which I force this unfortunate limb, is unsurprising but going by this past knowledge, I knew that with the right amount of mineral supplementation and a less strenuous workload, it shouldn’t have taken more than a few days to come right.

Weeks on, I am now starting to believe that perhaps the damage was something more severe than first thought – my first indication could have been the way that one aggrieved muscle was affecting my entire right hand side…

Day one, the area was outwardly tender and moving the arm into a particular position caused a sharp, stabbing sensation very much akin to an electric shock, in what I could only assume was the pinching of a nerve – I dropped a few dozen reps but continued life otherwise unabated. By day two it was much worse – I dropped more reps, upped my magnesium dosage, and carried on. By day three the pain had moved up to my shoulder/upper arm and it could be excruciating – I partook in no exercise that day. By day four, the shoulder blade inflammation had all but subsided, and despite resting it the previous day my right triceps now felt strained, making it impossible to tense thus lock the arm for increased steadiness, rendering the quest for dexterity a debacle, thereby limiting overall production.

Therefore, I see fit to expel allegations of malingering; the body is clearly in disrepair and yet, is doing the best it can with what little wherewithal is still at its disposal. As for the brain, I suggest that you, Sir, learn to be a little more accommodating towards your body’s needs, stop being so demanding of its constant high level of performance; so expecting of its continual esprit when you know as well as I do that it’s getting on in years. The body in question was, after all, not put on this earth for the sole purpose of serving you.

Court dismissed.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Judge Roy Schneider




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