Tim Walker’s Dud

John Campbell last night broadcast that he’s finally had enough; this, in the same week that David Letterman decides the very same thing – conspiracy, perhaps..?

Come on, Campbo Live, Letterman, seriously? No, I’m not doing that. Not this morning. After I don’t know how many of these ‘Tim Walker’s…’, I feel as though I am entitled to one morning when my brain contains an inexplicable paucity of perspicacious ranting.

Yes, I consider the aforementioned shortage ‘inexplicable’ because if you’ve ever had to be in the same room as my brain for an extended period you’ll understand how vehemently opinionated, therefore easily irritated it can be and indeed, is.

Some other words my brain is currently, ever so thoughtfully, presenting, in an attempt I’m sure to illustrate and exemplify the ‘human thesaurus’ tag it so enjoys, to describe itself (oddly ‘conceited’ isn’t among them) are ‘passionate’ – although I would argue ‘pedantic’ – ‘strong-willed’ – I think more ‘obstinate’ – ‘intense’ – I’d say more ‘irascible’ – ‘perfectionist’ – my alternative there would be ‘fractious’…

We’ll stop there. Seriously, had I allowed, it would have gone all day. So you see the shit I’m forced to endure, while endeavouring to maintain this outwardly ‘typical’ semblance which, honestly, as the days go by, becomes less of a façade and increasingly a charade.

I confess, in order to ensure that I am sufficiently riled each morning to prepare ‘Your Daily Dose of Profundity’ – which, admittedly, curiously, despite the name, used to only be updated weekly, meaning that if it was in fact to be your ‘Daily Dose’, it would have been quite repetitive, wouldn’t it? – I simply watch the 6 o’clock News the night before which usually provides my passionate, intense, strong-willed, perfectionist (pedantic, obstinate, irascible, fractious) brain with ample content about which to complain (my brain’s now telling me it would have preferred I used the term ‘discuss’ rather than ‘complain’, but them’s the breaks).

After just now skimming through what’s already been written above my brain’s also suggesting that you might be misunderstanding me (personally, no idea what it’s talking about, it wrote the stuff, for Christ’s sake), so I best clarify: such is my brain’s propensity for antagonism, when it assimilates the evening news thereby witnessing the abundance of issues, the plethora of problems, the jumble of misdirected hatred and misguided scorn, it tends to come away indignant, exasperated and often even, enraged. I think that much was already clear though; I think the point my brain wanted to clarify was that it doesn’t go on seething right through the night until morning where the cathartic release of 21st century pen to paper suddenly assuages its fiery being, rendering it once more the fun-loving brain we’ve come to know and revere. (Sorry, it made me write that last bit.)

No, my brain’s seething period only really lasts for the duration of whatever news story was riling it, where it then leaves me to it and begins its period of calm, comparatively relaxed contemplation. This stage can last anywhere from an hour to all night – I just hope like hell the phone doesn’t ring during this downtime because the response would be vapid indeed.

Not until the morning, once seated behind my QWERTY-board, do I consciously dredge up the previous night’s disenchantment. Sometimes, if no disharmonious memories are forthcoming, I check my cellular telecommunications device to find that my brain has cleverly recorded a reminder regarding the nature of that morning’s impending topic; that’s when the frustration, the exasperation, the indignation, the agitation and the antagonism all come flooding back like the biblical diluvium across Jerusalem. (Hang about, I thought the biblical flood was a worldwide thing; also shouldn’t ‘Biblical’ have a capital?)

At that moment I type with more fervour than five fervent fingers formulating (don’t ask me, it told me to write that one as well) and before long I have written ‘Your Daily Dose of Profundity’.

Sometimes it doesn’t work like that though. Sometimes you just have to accept that amid the scintillation there will be a dud. Sometimes things on the controversial front don’t appear nearly as tumultuous as one’s brain would hope. Sometimes, according to the evening news broadcast, the nation is relatively at peace with itself and the only thing worth discussing is the story of a middle-aged man, his overactive mind, its terminally youthful eccentricity, along with its inherently cantankerous temperament…



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by P Dan Tree

Photography by Tabit Dudley




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