Monthly Archives: May 2015

Tim Walker’s Chase

After this recent ‘horror weekend’ on New Zealand roads where a number of incidents saw an even higher number of people killed, the call has gone out to the NZ Government to ‘make our roads safer’.

This must make a nice change for New Zealand Police who are continually finding themselves under criticism for, as is the popular phrase, ‘chasing drivers to their death’.

Personally, no idea how the NZ Government is expected to make a few million road users better at using the road, although there has been talk of implementing lower speed restrictions – which of course only works if drivers are willing to adhere to these new limits…

It’s going to be more straightforward to focus on that other one.

It seems that a number of offending drivers, on seeing flashing red and blue lights behind them, on hearing that beseeching wail of sirens, like to try and evade police, thereby endangering the lives of themselves along with other road users, by utilising their car’s, often modified, speed and agility, rather than capitulate and accept responsibility for their, generally idiotic, actions.

The result of this attempted elusion is often death – in many cases of the perpetrator but sometimes – of innocent bystanders.

Whenever one of these aforementioned dick-wads kills him/herself (let’s be fair, it’s typically a him) while trying to outrun police, a massive uproar can usually be heard from not only the dick-wad’s family but from other people, who think that because these dick-wads were young they deserved so much better…

Here’s the thing. If you commit a crime, odds are, the police will chase you. If you try to escape, odds are, you will crash. Once you have crashed, given that your speed will have been far in excess of the recommended limit, odds are, you will die.

This is not the fault of the trailing police car. This is the fault of the leading dick-wad trying to evade the trailing police car.

New Zealand Police have a job to do – to maintain peace and order. If somebody wants to disrupt this ideal, they should be willing to reap the consequences. If they choose to shirk these consequences they effectively remove themselves from the ‘peace and order’ ideal altogether therefore, essentially, it’s every man for himself and, well, anything goes.

Granted, officially, police will invariably maintain they had relinquished the chase prior to the car crashing, but that’s what they have to say; they’re not very well going to admit they pursued the car right until the fiery end.

In order for society to function, every person must abide by a set of regulations. It’s all very well to seek out the thrill of the dissident but be aware, to go against the established rule of society is to relinquish the safety thus support of law providers.

 

 

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Polly Eastman

Photography by Fie Ray Crush

Tim Walker’s Mother

Sunday is the one day a year when it’s OK to admit that you love your mum.

Seems a little odd, dedicating just one day in each year to honouring our mothers, but according to the dictators of all things celebratory, that’s all we’re allowed to do.

It’s apparently all they deserve for their tireless hours of dedication ensuring that children are kept under control, ensuring that adults follow a similar line of authority; ensuring that the world, that our world, that everybody’s world remains functional, prosperous and ultimately, that life runs smoothly for all involved – by which I mean everyone.

One day a year. Alright. Yeah. Seems fair.

Well, they do get birthdays as well though, so, you know, it’s really like two days…

Yeah, but if they’re anything like my mother, they’d rather not acknowledge their birthday at all.

So what’s she complaining about then?

She’s not complaining; she never complains – about anything.

Well..?

Well, instead of being bound by the convention which stipulates that motherly worship must be restricted to just the one day annually, why not mix it up?

Like, how?

Happy Mum’s Day, Mum.

 

 

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Olive U Mom

Photography by Ali Yeer-Long

 

Tim Walker’s Review

Tuesday nights have long been renowned for their party atmosphere; during this one most recent l was delighted to be seeing Everclear live in concert.

The show was advertised to begin at seven o’clock therefore, cutting short that evening’s class I quickly replaced my jiu jitsu gi with a respectable rock concert ensemble and dragged my still-perspiring physique along to the Allen Street Rock Club.

After locating Allen Street without issue but having to perform numerous circuits of surrounding one-way, or roadworks-restricted, streets in order to even get close to where I wanted, it was in a state of sweaty frustration that I held my breath and executed an impeccable parallel park somewhere along Manchester Street. A balmy northwest breeze doing nothing to placate my temperament I feverishly disembarked, locked up, hesitated, re-opened and threw in my glasses, locked up again, turned, turned back, re-opened again to hastily swallow another half litre of water, locked up for a final time – I hoped – and made my brisk way to this hitherto uncharted rock venue.

I entered the typically bleak establishment to the uplifting audio of, what turned out to be, Assembly Required. Their style of fast-paced, bone-thumping yet immediately aurally pleasing hard rock was brilliant. Less impressive – particularly if you’re a girl named Stacey – was the next act, Setting Fire to Stacey. I’m sure they meant well and try as they did to enliven the crowd, they just couldn’t live up to the hype that followed Assembly Required. New Reptiles were next on and such was their classically pseudo-American tone that the mildly inebriated woman to my right shrieked into the depths of my eardrum, “Are Everclear on next – or is this Everclear?”

Everclear were on next. Perhaps it was due to my listening more closely to this band than I had been the others, or maybe it was simply that I felt I should have recognised their tunes, but initially, I was disappointed. For a five piece rock band comprising a vocalist, two lead guitars, one bass guitar, and drums, I found it curious that the only instruments I could hear were the drums and, occasionally, the vocals – albeit with that inherent rock star tuneless quality. I then realised that this had been a theme throughout the night – bass drums that made your jeans quiver and stomach flutter, along with a snare that did all it could to shatter what was left of your eardrums – which, when you are unfamiliar the song being played and are thus not expecting anything in particular, is fine. The issue that I had in this case was that when it came time to bring out, arguably, Everclear’s biggest track, Santa Monica, and given that for the weeks leading up to the concert I had been hanging out to hear the live rendition of that famed ‘Santa Monica guitar riff’ that any 90s teenager will know, the guitar in question was virtually inaudible on account of the overpowering – but might I say, spectacular – drum work.

This, on consideration, probably had more to do with the club’s sound desk – directly to the left of which, incidentally, I was situated – rather than the band itself, rendering any negative band critiques regarding equal sound quality indeed, baseless.

As a band Everclear delivered what they promised and had no trouble ingratiating themselves to the ardent audience. All the classics were played including, Santa Monica, Heartspark Dollarsign, Heroin Girl, then towards the end, right when I thought they weren’t going to do it, they busted out my favourite, Father of Mine.

Ultimately, personally, it was a good night: four hours spent amid a quaintly dank rock club on Allen Street; hydration maintained with reasonably priced non-alcoholic beverages; a more or less constant stream of flatulence provided by the protein-shake guzzling, muscle-bound character standing before me; attractive bargirls in short skirts to occupy any visual downtime; good energy emanating from all around with zero incidents of hostility; four high quality rock bands all for under $90. Good times.

Thank you, Everclear. See you again.

 

 

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Art Alexakis

Photography by Flash U Lance

Tim Walker’s Novel 2

As parents they could not have been more proud of their son. Going out there, making a name for himself as a landscaper, after enduring such unjust beginnings, was more than they ever could have expected of the boy – of the man.

Beth was overjoyed at the level of diligence that Kahn had shown in order to get himself to where he was; although she did have to concede, all of a sudden not having her beautiful baby boy at home with her all day was a pretty big transition. Dave was fine, he just did what he did; but as an almost 42-year-old woman, Beth felt lost. Raising that boy had been the biggest joy of her life and had given her life more meaning than it had ever held; now her fledgling was all grown up and ready to fly…

Beth was lonely, and it could only get worse when he did decide to fly away.

 

He had just flicked off the radio, that news report sending an icy shiver dancing under his skin, when the nose of a beaten up white Mazda ute, the other half of the K Walt fleet, came to an abrupt halt just half a metre from where Kahn was resting; sending the mower in the back of the Mazda catapulting into the headboard with a crash. Kevin bounded out in a fit of fury at the same time that Kahn was about to discipline the man for not securely restraining his load; at the sight of his offsider he thought better of it.

“Oi, K Walt!” Kevin shouted at his boss in a manner certainly not befitting of an employee.

“Yes, Kevin,” he answered calmly, “what’s your problem?”

You’re my problem, mate,” the short man stared menacingly up at his boss.

“I beg your pardon..?” Kahn swivelled in the drivers’ seat to face him.

“You, ya bloody nip cunt,” he drawled, “you people have been fucking with our country for years -”

“Hey!” Kahn called out sharply, “You stop it right there, Kevin … Don’t say another word, do you hear me? Or I cannot be held responsible for what I might do.” Kahn stepped to the ground and fearlessly approached his aggressor.

“Yeah?” sneered Kevin, thrusting his face in Kahn’s, “And whadda you gonna do? Look at yourself, nip, you’re all fuckin’ talk, ain’t ya?”

“I talk when I have something to say, Kevin, something real … I don’t waste, or mash my words like you do, so no, to answer your question, I am not all talk – if anyone is though, it’s you.”

“Yeah? You’re all talk and you’re a fucking tight-arse, paying me fuckin’ minimum wage to break my fuckin’ back for ya – fuckin’ nip cunt, that’s what ya are.”

“Honestly?!” Kahn was incensed. “You ungrateful idiot … I gave you work when nobody else would, I tried to help you, Kevin … I try to help you, and this is how you thank me … With racist slurs..?”

“Fuckin’ breakin’ my back for a fuckin’ nip,” he muttered, almost inaudibly.

Kevin,” this had gone far past the point of redemption, “look,” Kahn spoke through clenched teeth. “If you were out there, working as hard as you say you do, if you were truly ‘breaking your back’, as you say you are, then I’m sure I would reward you for it … But all I ever hear from my clients,” Kahn’s ire was on the rise, “the client base that I built up all by myself, through genuinely hard slog, is how slowly you work, how roughly you operate my mower, and how poorly a job you do of their lawns … Kevin, I am a fair man -”

“You a fuckin’ nip man is whatchu are -”

The first punch Kahn could ever recall throwing knocked the man to the ground. He didn’t rise again until after Kahn had climbed back into his ute and departed.

 

She knew something was the matter with her boy the moment she saw his face; he wore an expression she’d never before seen. It wasn’t so much a sombre look as it was one of defiance; her son was angry. Kahn took off his boots in the foyer, throwing his soiled shirt in the nearby washing basket and went into his room. Beth tentatively followed. She found him lying on his bed, teeth clenched, staring up at the ceiling.

“Bad day at the office, baby Kahn?” asked Mum.

Her son stifled a smirk but said nothing.

“You doing anything tonight?” she tried a different angle.

“What’s tonight?” he grumbled after a short silence.

“Friday night.”

“What does that mean?”

“That means, baby Kahn,” she said with a playful edge, “that maybe, you, should take some time off work, go out there, and enjoy yourself.”

“What does that mean,” he asked again, turning to look at his mum, his face lightening, “that I should get drunk and have meaningless relations with some chubby Kiwi floozy with an Asian fetish?”

“Well, yes … I suppose you can do that if you really want, Kahn,” Mum said thoughtfully, “I mean, if you think something like that will make you happy…”

“After today, Mum, the only thing that will make me happy, is not being Asian.”

“Oh,” this caught her off guard. “But what would become of the floozies with fetishes?” she remarked.

This time Kahn did grin, “Ha, you’re brilliant, Mum, but no … An Asian in New Zealand, even in the twenty-first century, even one with a Kiwi accent, doesn’t get a fair go around here.”

“Oh, but I thought you were doing so well..?”

“And I am, Mum, but it’s only because when they speak to me on the phone they think I’m a red blooded – a full blooded – Kiwi bloke.”

“No, come on, Kahn, you know that’s not true … Well, maybe it is a little, but it’s your reputation for being an honest, and darned hard worker that brings in your clients … Did something happen today?”

“Oh yeah, it was nothing, really, just a bit of a dispute with Kevin…”

“I did warn you about hiring him -”

“What, because he’s Polynesian? Shit Mum, you’re as bad as them.”

“No, Kahn,” Beth said sternly. “Not because he was a Polynesian at all – it was because of his history of breaking the law.”

“But that was why I wanted to give him a chance, Mum, because no one else would.”

“You’re too kind-hearted for your own good, baby, that’s your problem – so did you two have a falling out?”

“Yeah, turns out he’s a lazy, money-hungry, racist,” Kahn said quietly.

“Oh, well, baby Kahn, I think you already knew he was lazy and money hungry…”

“Yeah, and it turns out he’s just another racist Polynesian.”

“Yes, and that’s the worst thing – it’s one thing when Whites are racist towards minority groups such as Blacks or Asians, but it’s when those minority groups turn against each other, that’s when the real hurt begins.”

“Wow, Mum, profound words.”

“You get to be my age, baby, you see a few things.”

“Thanks for that.”

“That’s fine … Just make sure you clean yourself up before tea, alright?”

“I’m twenty-one years old, Mum, I reckon I can take care of myself.”

“’Never too old to learn a few things’, that what my Mum always used to say.”

“’Life is a classroom, keep your eyes and your ears open, there’s no limit to what you might learn’ – that’s what I say,” Kahn pushed himself up on the bed and smiled at his mother.

“Very good, that’s a very good motto to have – now get cleaned up, tea’s almost ready.”

 

Around the table that night, much as she tried not to, Beth couldn’t help noticing that her son had slipped back into his despondency. She thought it best to wait for him to bring up the issue, or to just leave it altogether. “So, aside from the obvious, how was your day today?” she asked.

“Pretty good, thank you … I was focusing on finishing that job in Redwood, while,” Kahn paused, “Kevin, mowed lawns just over the way in Burwood.”

“Oh, good, I’m glad you’re still enjoying it.”

“I don’t recall saying I’m enjoying it, Mum.”

“Oh, well Kevin must be loving the freedom,” and as if she’d clean forgotten what she just decided, “he must be very grateful for the opportunity to be working for a living…?”

Kahn remained silent for a few seconds as if pondering his response: “Mum, I reckon it’s time I moved out.”

 

 

Its getting dangerous down here. I don’t know how much longer I can stay here. They’re just so close all the time now. I can hear the monkeys chattering away night and day. They’re everywhere. I can hear them all around and even going through the house – through my house! To date, I’ve killed 6 of the slimy yellow bastards. Then I’ve been throwing them in the shit tank when no one’s around. Still, doubt if even that would smell as bad as their own country though.

 

Still keeping the pride, K.


Tim Walker’s Building

Affordable housing in Auckland.

Sorry, allow me to rephrase. Affordable housing in Auckland?

Prices in the Auckland housing market have been inexorably climbing for years. They long ago surpassed that of any other New Zealand city and now, are beyond ridiculous. The reason for it is simple: too much demand, not enough supply. The Government, around the last election, stepped up claiming that it would introduce a range of basic, low cost, ‘affordable housing’ for low income New Zealanders…

Under this plan a single bedroom abode would cost a destitute Auckland family $350 thousand; although on account of increased building costs this total is now more like $400 grand. That’s for a single. A three bedroom house which, let’s be fair, if they have five kids, is more like what they’ll need, will cost a low income family $450 – $500 thousand.

Affordable housing in Auckland. It’s an oxymoron. I bought my three bedroom house in rural Mid Canterbury a few years back for $131 grand. A three bedroom house in Otago nowadays can still go for under $130 grand – in Bluff, under 100.

The easiest solution as I see it is of course, to blame the Government. It’s the Government’s fault that everybody wants to live in Auckland; it’s the Government’s fault that the nation seems to believe all the jobs are in Auckland. It’s the Government’s fault that the majority of NZ’s population already live in Auckland and it is therefore the Government who is to blame for not magically making land or, more to the point, houses appear – cheap houses at that.

Is it a crisis? I wouldn’t say so. If Auckland want to pack themselves into the upper third of the nation then bitch and moan about how tight it is, surely, that’s their prerogative.

 

 

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Liv Inner

Photography A Boad

 

Tim Walker’s Reduction

Seemingly New Zealanders are spending less time incapacitated as a result of carnage on our roads.

From the evidence I have seen it’s the logical assertion to make: fewer people suffering motor vehicle injuries hence less support required from ACC therefore, as I have it, come July 2015, the cost of car licensing renewal is to be reduced by around forty percent.

Approximately ten cents in every litre of fuel is also ACC levy, and it looks as though that’s to be abolished/cut too.

Word is this impending reduction has been made possible through the ACC’s finally ‘catching up’; which is to say, funding of historic motor vehicle incident claims as well as those projected for the year to come, has been supposedly covered.

Typical of Murphy’s Law though my own car licence renewal comes up in June, meaning I won’t be eligible to partake in these joyous tax cuts until next time around.

Nice one.

 

 

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Tex Cutt

Photography by Sods Law