Tim Walker’s Theory XXXI

If we cast our minds back around 40 thousand years we might recall a planet overcome with ice; then thinking back even further – 60 million years and beyond – the dinosaurs had land on which to walk, indicating a clear cyclic phenomenon.

This week’s Theory therefore pertains to my belief/postulation/prediction that, since the icy age the world has been heating thus will continue to heat until that final drop of ice ends up in the ocean then via some as yet unrecognisable phenomenon, the world will again freeze thereby effectively restarting hence regenerating our broken eco-system.

Given this approximate 500 million year cycle though it won’t be for a few more years yet, so I wouldn’t worry…

What’s that you say? I’ve already done an Armageddon-based Theory, you say? Regarding climatic cycles and such, you say? Theory II, you say? Back when I could still be bothered exerting boundless perspicacity in developing new and/or interesting theories each week, you say? Surely not, I say.

…Alright, on checking through the archives it turns out I have a point – on the repetition thing, not the Armageddon thing; although I do still believe the Armageddon theory to have merit…

Obviously, or I wouldn’t have written it XXIX weeks ago and posted it under the heading ‘Theory II’.

…Additionally meritorious is my theory of the global population one day merging thus becoming one people, regarding skin colour and overall…

Ah, are you for real – do the words ‘Theory XI’ ring any bells?

…Alright, I’d better take your word for that one. Moving on: what about the fact that, keeping in mind the original lands – Pangea, Laurasia and Gondwanaland – and the movement of the aforementioned dirt which today sees the world comprising a multitude of different continents; also the effects of erosion and the fact that while it might appear that when a mound erodes in one place that particular area of eroded soil is lost into the air but in fact given the atmosphere that surrounds us matter can never actually disappear, similar to water it can only shift location, therefore the entire world one day will again be conjoined but as one gargantuan flat landmass..?

What about that, have I done that one before? No..? Alright then, I’ll perceive my inner silence as permission to proceed.

Add to that the fact that the flattening of Earth’s undulations will have to include the hollows that form the oceans but given there’s so much more water than there is land across the world this would result in the entire globe becoming inundated with a depth of several kilometres of liquid…

What, and I suppose then it’s going to freeze and ‘effectively restart hence regenerate our broken eco-system’..?

…Thus in conclusion, I hypothesise that with time the effects of gravity will effectively beat flat the entire world – just as gravity in fact formed the entire world, with its relentless compacting and rotating – and yes, in many millions more years, its resulting watery surface might again freeze.

Brilliant, you essentially plagiarised the plot from the movie Waterworld.

Dude, how would you know – you’ve never even seen the movie Waterworld.

That’s true, I just naturally assumed that’s the premise they would have gone for.

Anyway, unwitting (potential) copyright infringement notwithstanding, that’s my theory.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Kevin Costner

Photography by Wurdy Whirled

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