There was one douche-bag who said they couldn’t do it but when Kiwi patriots joined forces to Givealittle, nothing could stop them from buying back seven hectares of their own land.

The picturesque beach, part of Abel Tasman National Park’s Awaroa Inlet, was hitherto privately owned by a Mr Michael Spackman, having paid $1.92 million for the acquisition in 2008; unsubstantiated claims maintain Spackman had since come under financial distress leading to the property’s being put up for tender…

Through it all there was one douche-bag claiming they would never do it alone.

…Further leading to renowned philanthropist, controversial commentator, and all around cat-hating douche-bag Gareth Morgan (Gaweff to his friends) to step forward and offer his financial assistance.

As it happened though Money-bags Morgan and his renowned philanthropy was unneeded as New Zealand citizens managed to amass a total of almost $2.3 million; then if that was ever at risk of coming up short good old Uncle John stepped in with another $350,000 to seal the deal…

Morgan was vehemently opposed to Government money going towards the public buying back of this Abel Tasman beach, offering instead to front up with a cool $1 million on the taxpayer’s behalf.

…That Government assistance turned out to be fortunate indeed, as Mr Morgan’s act of philanthropy was revealed to include a few catches.

Gareth Morgan didn’t become filthy rich by giving away a lot of money.

Gareth Morgan isn’t generous, he isn’t benevolent, he isn’t magnanimous; he isn’t genuine and truth be told, he isn’t even a nice guy – Morgan was only willing to contribute his million dollars to the buyback appeal if he stood to gain from it…

To all those folk out there who still believe that John Key does not have the interests of New Zealand and its people therein at the forefront of his mind, please, continue.

…As a trade-off for this apparently benevolent contribution, philanthropist Morgan would require a portion of the Abel Tasman beach for his own personal use; this of course would include the ability to develop or to sell off segments at his whim.

Prime Minister John Key did not believe that any one person should be the owner of this pristine section of New Zealand beach so simply, he eliminated the chance of that happening.

I guess the moral of this story is that if someone wants New Zealand land returned to its rightful owners, merely complaining about the injustice won’t get you there.

Nor will masquerading as a philanthropic jackass.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Phil Ann Trophy

Photography by Moss Kerr-Aider