Tim Walker’s Brawling

The pugnacious delinquents who last night made national News by flaunting their excesses of testosterone and conversely similar deficits in mental capacity, left me in a state of incensed disbelief.

This is the 21st century, yes? We are an evolved race, yes? We consider ourselves a civilised people, yes? This is a time of speed dating and Internet hook-ups, yes? We long ago passed the point of needing to physically battle our counterparts in the quest for a mate, did we not?

Right, that was what I thought. Yet I believe it was these very discrepancies that caused me such unease last night: I could not believe what I was seeing. This wasn’t a typical drunken slugfest, wasn’t just a drunken haymaker or two this was a premeditated, if not organised, street brawl. This was disgusting.

4 a.m. Sunday, in an otherwise deserted Auckland street, a small group of drunken male youths decide to have a go at one another. A similar number of female spectators are in attendance, screaming and yelling, making feeble attempts to stop the fight, or perhaps just enjoying the attention, who really knows?

These males’ territorial pissing contest becomes intense when one of the beaten goes down, failing to resurface for a number of minutes…

‘Oh no,’ is a thought that just might have crossed one of these idiot’s minds, ‘maybe we hurt him – maybe we hurt him bad … But we didn’t mean to hurt him too bad, you know, just wanted to make him bleed a bit, you know, wanted to impress the girls, you know, wanted to look like a big man, you know, because girls are impressed by that kind of stuff, you know.’

…The fallen figure then shows signs of life, so several more kicks are delivered to his head and body.

What these drunken pillocks can’t seem to appreciate is the potential magnitude of their actions: these apparent displays of manliness, these territorial pissings – one decent punch coupled with one solid kerb under one falling man’s head – one mishap and things can quickly escalate to a homicide charge.

Police were heard to say that they would be checking into the bars the idiots had been attending to make sure none of the aforementioned premises had been ‘serving intoxicated patrons’, as if the standard for being drunk in a bar is a clear limit and no mildly drunk person has ever been removed or refused service while the guy a few metres away struggles to stand…

This entire escapade makes me think of the documentary I watched just prior to the News, on how female scorpions go about selecting which suitor they will allow to mate with them; performing a dance of sorts before settling on the fittest, strongest, most agile therefore the finest male, and only then accepting his insemination. Huh, if only people were so discerning.

…Come on, we all saw the CCTV footage – shit I’ve seen higher levels of intoxication at a young mothers’ book club – so no, I don’t believe this was so much about the booze as it was about the people doing the boozing.

In other words, it’s not what we’re drinking, it’s not even how we’re drinking – it’s who we are allowing to do the drinking.

Everybody needs to be made to secure a licence to imbibe and simply, if you’re a dickhead, you’ll soon lose yours.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Duncan D Kheds

Photography by Trop Keek

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