I am wonderful to some yet farcical to others.

I am to lesser mankind a pastime to be repeated.

I am synonymous with fine attire yet also with booze.

I am enjoyed by some yet despised by others.

I am traditionally enduring yet currently sporadic.

I am blissful to some yet acrimonious to others.

I am originally sanctity yet now more sanctimonious.

I am responsible for good women behind good men.

I am an expensive gamble yet not so much in Vegas.

I am a celebrated union yet I am not the NZRFU.

I am a lavish ceremony yet in part marred with age.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Hardship

New Zealand Police Commissioner Mike Bush today made a long overdue concession: “We believe that Teina Pora is innocent.”

Asked who he now thought was guilty of murdering Susan Burdett in ’94 – charges for which, incidentally, Teina Pora served over 21 years in a high security prison – Bush’s response was predictable: “…Malcolm Rewa.”

Teina Pora was recently released from Paremoremo where, since entering as a 17-year-old Foetal Alcohol Syndrome sufferer and living the majority of his young adult life behind bars, he has since prevailed in his quest for compensation regarding wrongful conviction.

The problem the police face now, given that Mr Rewa has already been tried and found not guilty of the murder of Susan Burdett – the same woman who, along with a multitude of others he is currently serving time for raping – yet on account of New Zealand’s obfuscated legal system with its myriad technicalities and loopholes which can in fact result in a guilty party walking free but seemingly not the other way around, in that once somebody has been tried for a crime and had the charges dismissed, the ruling ‘Double Jeopardy’ makes it impossible to retry that person for the same crime – irrespective of how guilty the entire nation knows they are (New Zealand Police Force excluded because those guys just don’t seem to get it).

Double Jeopardy appears to be a technicality installed in a legal system by some idiot who grew up playing cops and robbers at school but who enjoyed it just a little too much; in fact he liked it so much that once he had grown into a grown-up recidivist law-breaker, he decided to turn the game more in his favour by adding a wonderfully counterproductive ruling which, although it takes a great deal of pressure off the legal system through eliminating so many tedious retrials and probably frees up judges’ Saturday afternoons for family time or golf, realistically, it serves largely to perpetuate the theme of expensive lawyers and innocent criminals.

Ultimately Teina Pora is a free man who now has a lot of cash at his disposal; Malcolm Rewa ought to be out of prison before impotency sets in.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Just Asserve

Photography by Bow Thyme

I am two parts yet go forth as one injustice.

I am friend to nobody yet by half I am similar.

I am not tangible yet am indeed problematic.

I am abundant in fools yet rarer in the astute.

I am present like a cloak yet never a gift blanket.

I am diffuser of anguish yet never forgiveness.

I am dictated by fate yet controlled largely by life.

I am a price of lacking yet seldom yield a prize.

I am readily available in nations of the third.

I am an unwelcome struggle yet a defining time.

I am in rhyme with Mark’s whip yet gave that up.

I am started like toughness yet ended on a boat.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Rosebud

Britain’s exit from the European Union, a little over 24 hours on, is still having a monumental effect on the rest of the world.

Firstly Britain’s economy collapsed; the value of their dollar dropped to record levels resulting in a flood of international opportunists buying into the typically almighty GBP.

Secondly Britain’s major trading partners’ economies began to fall; this diminutive nation illustrated in the coming hours that despite not being as grandiose or as conceited as the US or as vast and overpopulated as India, or as industrious thus as detrimental to the world’s eco-system as China, Brits still carry their share of influence over the world.

Thirdly David Cameron resigned as Prime Minister of Great Britain…

Similar to New Zealand’s flag referendum where the majority of Kiwis voted against upgrading the flag to a more relevant design purely to spite Prime Minister John Key, half of David Cameron’s nation of ‘loyal supporters’ seem to have taken a decidedly damaging course of action simply for the opportunity to become dissidents.

…The above took place in the space of a few hours and according to a number of financial experts, they never predicted anything like this; of course this kind of Government unsettlement or indeed financial instability is generally followed by public panic and assuredly, Brexit is to be no different…

Britain’s vote to extricate itself from the EU was the finest example of democracy I have ever seen; one of the most pivotal movements this nation has ever had to make and the vote carried by 52% – 48%..? In other words half of all British folk are now indignant which, when your nation’s people are already renowned as whingers, is a less than superb way to go forth.

…Along with much of the first world England didn’t ever truly recover from the 2008 recession and now they’re having to face up to this bedlam; one might say that panic is a reasonable emotion to be feeling.

Whether it’s the United Kingdom, Great Britain or just England, this band of historical colonists effectively domesticated the planet; hard to believe they might be the first to fall from civilisation.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Chuck D Syscion

Photography by Wynn Gin Pome

I am compound yet both parts are essentially the same.

I am aromatic yet will become increasingly so with age.

I am surrounded by ugly spikes yet beauty will transcend.

I am reliant on fluid for survival yet too much is not enough.

I am for annual home makeovers yet prefer regular tidying.

I am expected at weddings yet sometimes do funerals also.

I am a fan of springtime yet not so much its late frosts.

I am big on Valentine’s Day yet generally when I am bigger.

I am awaiting development to become an arrangement.

I am a nascent version yet mature I resemble ground wheat.

I am started with a name like a blossom yet end like a friend.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Exhaustion

Auckland city council is considering placing a road tax on some of its busier streets, reportedly in the hope of reducing congestion.

It makes sense additionally that Auckland Super City with all its booming infrastructure, thriving industry, swanky hospitality and its ever-increasing population should learn to take care of its own roads, and placing a tax of around 3 cents per kilometre, given that the number of automobiles driving upon those Auckland city streets appears to somehow be increasing with even greater rapidity than the population therein…

Here was me thinking that it only came around with every public holiday but it now seems there might actually be a constant road toll in Auckland.

…”It sounds like a great way to make money,” was the sarcastic comment from one such Auckland citizen, whose flippant laughter seemed to overshadow her lack of comprehension of the issue at hand; understanding that yes, indeed young lady, money does need to be made, because roadways require constant maintenance, so without somebody’s money, your beloved city and its already terribly congested roading network would collapse under the weight of so many latte-drinking commuters on their way to office jobs that they and the person in the car next to them could no doubt reach faster via an adult game of leap-frog, but perhaps more to the point…

Melbourne city have been doing it for years – using a simple system where an electronic device fastened to car windscreens registers the car’s presence at particular points along a road and charges the car owner accordingly – so we know the system works and it has obviously yielded some degree of success.

…More to the point Canterbury and in fact the entire bloody rest of New Zealand is goddamned sick to death of paying excess bloody road tax to fund your bloody Auckland roading.

Therefore, yes, to conclude, this potential Auckland road toll can only be a good thing for all involved.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Roe Dang

Photography by Toll Ryder

I am the end of the able yet the beginning of the rest.

I am without feeling yet I can cause a heart to break.

I am synonymous with pain yet endorphins provide relief.

I am not indefatigability yet I am a related antonym.

I am renowned for incapacitating yet am really quite nice.

I am a scourge to some yet I am sought after by others.

I am more acute in some bodies yet no body is above me.

I am a free spirit yet can be controlled by a strong mind.

I am a regular at marathons yet I usually wait until the end.

I am started with exertion yet I always finish with an ion.

I am audible like a tailpipe yet I emit identical dioxides.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Miracle

Without doubt Russia’s indefinite suspension from the Olympic Games is the only course of action the IAAF could logically have taken.

President Vladimir Putin claims that for the International Association for Athletics Federation to penalise a nation of athletes for the wrong-doing of some is ‘unfair’…

Every four years, whenever Russia prevails at an Olympic sport – hurdles, 100m sprint, boxing, etc – the entire world it seems awaits the results of the regulation drugs test with pessimistic expectations; some time later the results come back and as we all suspected, affirmative, a positive for illicit substances has been detected, the frontrunners are then shuffled up a place, losers instantaneously become winners, broken hearts are quickly mended, uproar becomes celebration and the world thinks to itself: why, in this age of high performance sports and the rigorous testing that comes with it, are these people still bothering in their futile attempts to bring to the sport their performance enhancing drugs?

…Unfair is fact that the rest of the world has to go through this rigmarole every four years, Mr Putin, unfair is the fact that your nation’s highest quality athletes are predominantly cheats; unfair is the way that so many of your nation’s athletes bring into disrepute the world’s greatest and most enduring sports tournament.

Some argue that the injustice lies in the fact that this suspension precludes every Russian athlete from competing when not every Russian athlete is a drugs cheat; I have no sympathy for a nation of sportspeople who, even after numerous public declarations that a mandatory doping check will be upheld for Olympic Games podium winners, still fail to ensure that all of their fellow competitors are clean and free from illicit substances.

Amid a land where the country’s Government has attempted to raise revenue by promoting the sale of cigarettes and alcohol, yes, President Putin, swallowing this particular pill must leave a terribly bitter aftertaste.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Russ I Anne

Photography by Doug Sheet

I am a rarity but not an impossibility.

I am intangible but not without essence.

I am the desire of many yet reality of few.

I am without emotion yet I evoke just that.

I am invariably a good thing yet indiscriminate.

I am without presence yet turn up in odd places.

I am well known in church yet loyal to no one.

I am without figure yet often seen as a saviour.

I am not to be seen yet am almost a reflection.

I am without feeling yet I distribute relief.

I am end of Kashmir before cleft with no foot.

I am supposedly responsive to prayer yet really?

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Belt

Teina Pora’s claim for compensation – after spending over 21 years in one of New Zealand’s most notorious maximum security prisons for a crime he most assuredly did not commit – has been accepted and will be settled in full in the coming days.

Pora was imprisoned in 1994 for the rape and murder of Susan Burdett – the same woman for whom, incidentally, Malcolm Rewa had previously been imprisoned for raping, but not for murdering.

Back in ’94, I recall at the time of Miss Burdett’s murder New Zealand Police suddenly found themselves under immense public pressure to locate and to convict the perpetrator behind this egregious act, but because all they could get Rewa on was a rape charge, Police simply selected a local drop-kick who was already a known petty criminal and coerced a murder confession out of him…

22 years later the above is a fact that, although widely accepted by anybody who cared to follow Teina Pora’s case from the beginning, the New Zealand Police Force now choose to dismiss as simply ‘an awkward situation’ with ‘no winners at the end of the day’; even going so far though as to commend themselves on some ‘good police work’ for managing to incarcerate not one but two men in Susan Burdett’s name.

…Given that Teina Pora suffers Foetal Alcohol Syndrome thus functions with the mental capacity of a child, the then 17-year-old’s testimony was never legally admissible in court anyway.

Mr Pora’s lawyer is unhappy with the more than $2.5 million compensation payout she secured for her client claiming, she ‘was asking for eight’ because ‘that’s what my client deserves’.

Teina Pora himself however, is just happy to have an apology.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by O Var Zillus

Photography by P O Leese