At the prospect of having their water drilled, bottled and sold Ashburton lobbyists are saying: “You can’t have it because it’s mine.”

While some might perceive the above as a childish, even petulant stance, for the Ashburton locals their water is precious…

Going back a few years these same locals were in uproar when it was revealed their drinking water might contain trace amounts of nitrate (see, Rate of Nitrate), a result of chemical leaching caused by heavy fertilisation coupled with even heavier irrigation, during those dry summer months on the Canterbury Plains.

…The fact a water bottling plant would employ hundreds and ultimately do wondrous things for the Ashburton economy seems unimportant: it’s Ashburton’s water table and apparently locals would much rather see millions of litres of untapped water draining into the ocean never again to be seen in desalinated form, than to witness that bloody National Government profit from such an enterprise.

Here’s a fun fact: a wealthy Government is generally tantamount to a wealthy people – if New Zealand’s Government were more cashed up it could afford to impose less tax on its population while providing better support to areas such as healthcare and education.

Still, amid a nation of budding eco-warriors cum small-minded bigots, it’s easy to see how the thought of our pristine water being drunk by foreigners is upsetting.

Best let it go back into the ocean where it belongs, eh.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Water N Ocean

Photography by Wais Ted Ray-Sauce

They reckon that every New Zealander has the right to own their own home; it’s the Kiwi dream, they say.

Some Kiwis choose to drop out of high school at or before age 15, promptly fall in with the wrong crowd, subsequently fall pregnant to any number of fathers over the coming years, then can only watch as their plummeting existence spirals still further from the bounds of a constructive adulthood.

Some Kiwis – the multitude of fathers comprising the aforementioned ‘wrong crowd’ included – simply aren’t equipped for the responsibility involved in home ownership.

Some Kiwis seem to aspire to nothing more than a Government funded existence, rationing out benefits to cover cigarettes, alcohol, and all that dog-roll for their couple of Rottweilers; who then turn their state house into a meth lab to cover costs but through a lack of knowledge end up incinerating the kitchen and are consequently evicted, only for the house to be later demolished on account of excess chemical contamination.

The Opposition wants to spend a few billion dollars on building affordable housing to be marketed exclusively to first home buyers…

I think the idea of a first home buyer’s first home being a brand new, purpose built abode is ridiculous; when one sees the way some of the more uneducated, unskilled, unmotivated and/or hitherto homeless folk treat their possessions, their lives and/or each other, I believe one ought to seriously re-evaluate the merit in practically gifting these people a home.

…Which means less that the Opposition is a benevolent institution and more that you, the taxpayer, will be expected to fund the lives of those who lack the will/desire/knowledge/ability/dedication or indeed the wherewithal to fund it themselves.

Some Kiwis knowingly paint themselves as undesirables from a young age, start running with a similar group of undesirables and before long, undesirables are breeding undesirability.

At least now if Labour end up in power, and if they stay true to their word, the undesirables will have nice new houses in Auckland to wreck.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Lai Buzz Plan

Photography by Ana D Cira-Bull

The question of whether Te Reo Maori should become an intrinsic part of New Zealand school curriculum has elicited a decidedly passionate response.

In my opinion there is no question; if select parents want their children spending that time at school learning a dying language, it is only fair that it is the choice of those parents rather than the school…

Both sides of the debate are hotly contested with, perhaps expectedly, anyone of Maori heritage claiming the Te Reo language is a big part of New Zealand culture and should therefore be a compulsory subject in schools.

…Better yet if that student wants to waste their time assimilating a language which in the years to come will undoubtedly vanish from existence – similar in fact to the last full-blooded Maori person – let that student say so, while implementing the more commonly spoken and indeed their more familiar, English tongue…

The intention is to keep the language, or at least the history of the Maori language alive, with the hope future generations will benefit from the associated culture.

…Talk of making Te Reo compulsory is reminiscent of last century’s ridiculous ‘Bible in Schools’ or ‘Scripture’ sessions which, when I attended primary school was compulsory and which, for impressionable young, hitherto uncorrupted, healthily atheistic pupils, I now feel was tantamount to forcible brainwashing but which, thankfully, I believe students currently have the choice regarding which theory (fact or fiction) to learn.

French, German, Japanese, Hindi, especially Mandarin, or even Latin, are all worthwhile languages that a child could be learning at school; in a time where tourism is a massive industry and our world is almost totally interactive, why should a child stunt their growth by learning to speak a tongue that, amid the vastness of a worldwide arena, has little clout and ultimately no prospects?

The future of international tourism starts with the Asian continent and ends up somewhere in Europe – these vehement subscribers to Te Reo becoming compulsory in schools are patriotic, sure, but are they practical?

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by U S Lass

Photography by Lang Gage

I am one of the strongest yet have no guns.

I am without vision yet am highly subjective.

I am admired by most yet indulged by fewer.

I am without prejudice yet I do incite enmity.

I am warmth yet have been known to be cold.

I am without feeling yet I inspire masses of it.

I am happiness yet I can also be depressing.

I am without heart yet this is my clichéd focus.

I am in quote yet one need more than just me.

I am to be made yet need interspersed course.

I am mistaken for all us three yet only take two.

I am rhymed with the bird without the turtle.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Sex

I am on paper short yet always desired to be long.

I am generally athletic yet sometimes it is apathetic.

I am a rousing activity yet less frequent than ideal.

I am responsible for much effort yet mostly by men.

I am increasingly common yet still considered taboo.

I am a player of errant golf shots yet some overlook.

I am extremely powerful yet powerfully emotional.

I am an entire industry yet not mentioned publicly.

I am limited not by climatic shifts yet if I could see.

I am entirely of muscle yet I always have one bone.

I am affectionate yet at the same time I am bestial.

I am engenderer of delight yet both play the organ.

I am an Australian half dozen yet I call that an orgy.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Marriage

I am wonderful to some yet farcical to others.

I am to lesser mankind a pastime to be repeated.

I am synonymous with fine attire yet also with booze.

I am enjoyed by some yet despised by others.

I am traditionally enduring yet currently sporadic.

I am blissful to some yet acrimonious to others.

I am originally sanctity yet now more sanctimonious.

I am responsible for good women behind good men.

I am an expensive gamble yet not so much in Vegas.

I am a celebrated union yet I am not the NZRFU.

I am a lavish ceremony yet in part marred with age.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Hardship

New Zealand Police Commissioner Mike Bush today made a long overdue concession: “We believe that Teina Pora is innocent.”

Asked who he now thought was guilty of murdering Susan Burdett in ’94 – charges for which, incidentally, Teina Pora served over 21 years in a high security prison – Bush’s response was predictable: “…Malcolm Rewa.”

Teina Pora was recently released from Paremoremo where, since entering as a 17-year-old Foetal Alcohol Syndrome sufferer and living the majority of his young adult life behind bars, he has since prevailed in his quest for compensation regarding wrongful conviction.

The problem the police face now, given that Mr Rewa has already been tried and found not guilty of the murder of Susan Burdett – the same woman who, along with a multitude of others he is currently serving time for raping – yet on account of New Zealand’s obfuscated legal system with its myriad technicalities and loopholes which can in fact result in a guilty party walking free but seemingly not the other way around, in that once somebody has been tried for a crime and had the charges dismissed, the ruling ‘Double Jeopardy’ makes it impossible to retry that person for the same crime – irrespective of how guilty the entire nation knows they are (New Zealand Police Force excluded because those guys just don’t seem to get it).

Double Jeopardy appears to be a technicality installed in a legal system by some idiot who grew up playing cops and robbers at school but who enjoyed it just a little too much; in fact he liked it so much that once he had grown into a grown-up recidivist law-breaker, he decided to turn the game more in his favour by adding a wonderfully counterproductive ruling which, although it takes a great deal of pressure off the legal system through eliminating so many tedious retrials and probably frees up judges’ Saturday afternoons for family time or golf, realistically, it serves largely to perpetuate the theme of expensive lawyers and innocent criminals.

Ultimately Teina Pora is a free man who now has a lot of cash at his disposal; Malcolm Rewa ought to be out of prison before impotency sets in.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Just Asserve

Photography by Bow Thyme

I am two parts yet go forth as one injustice.

I am friend to nobody yet by half I am similar.

I am not tangible yet am indeed problematic.

I am abundant in fools yet rarer in the astute.

I am present like a cloak yet never a gift blanket.

I am diffuser of anguish yet never forgiveness.

I am dictated by fate yet controlled largely by life.

I am a price of lacking yet seldom yield a prize.

I am readily available in nations of the third.

I am an unwelcome struggle yet a defining time.

I am in rhyme with Mark’s whip yet gave that up.

I am started like toughness yet ended on a boat.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Rosebud

Britain’s exit from the European Union, a little over 24 hours on, is still having a monumental effect on the rest of the world.

Firstly Britain’s economy collapsed; the value of their dollar dropped to record levels resulting in a flood of international opportunists buying into the typically almighty GBP.

Secondly Britain’s major trading partners’ economies began to fall; this diminutive nation illustrated in the coming hours that despite not being as grandiose or as conceited as the US or as vast and overpopulated as India, or as industrious thus as detrimental to the world’s eco-system as China, Brits still carry their share of influence over the world.

Thirdly David Cameron resigned as Prime Minister of Great Britain…

Similar to New Zealand’s flag referendum where the majority of Kiwis voted against upgrading the flag to a more relevant design purely to spite Prime Minister John Key, half of David Cameron’s nation of ‘loyal supporters’ seem to have taken a decidedly damaging course of action simply for the opportunity to become dissidents.

…The above took place in the space of a few hours and according to a number of financial experts, they never predicted anything like this; of course this kind of Government unsettlement or indeed financial instability is generally followed by public panic and assuredly, Brexit is to be no different…

Britain’s vote to extricate itself from the EU was the finest example of democracy I have ever seen; one of the most pivotal movements this nation has ever had to make and the vote carried by 52% – 48%..? In other words half of all British folk are now indignant which, when your nation’s people are already renowned as whingers, is a less than superb way to go forth.

…Along with much of the first world England didn’t ever truly recover from the 2008 recession and now they’re having to face up to this bedlam; one might say that panic is a reasonable emotion to be feeling.

Whether it’s the United Kingdom, Great Britain or just England, this band of historical colonists effectively domesticated the planet; hard to believe they might be the first to fall from civilisation.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Chuck D Syscion

Photography by Wynn Gin Pome

I am compound yet both parts are essentially the same.

I am aromatic yet will become increasingly so with age.

I am surrounded by ugly spikes yet beauty will transcend.

I am reliant on fluid for survival yet too much is not enough.

I am for annual home makeovers yet prefer regular tidying.

I am expected at weddings yet sometimes do funerals also.

I am a fan of springtime yet not so much its late frosts.

I am big on Valentine’s Day yet generally when I am bigger.

I am awaiting development to become an arrangement.

I am a nascent version yet mature I resemble ground wheat.

I am started with a name like a blossom yet end like a friend.

WHAT AM I?

Last edition’s Fustigator: Exhaustion