All insurance companies across New Zealand provide a similar service and charge a similar rate, except, as they would have you believe, youi insurance.

Youi is cheaper than the rest, this much is fact. I submit however, that the only reason youi is cheaper is because it has made the management decision to accept a lower net profit margin; as in fact they all could stand to do. Sure, youi craps on about how its ‘asking more questions to find out more about the customer’ leads to its ‘cutting back on assumptions’ meaning they can ‘afford to charge less’ but let me assure you, most of this, is utter bollocks.

I undertook some research the other day for no other reason than to ensure the above statement was less ‘scurrilous conjecture’ and a whole lot more ‘damning fact’. I gave AA Insurance a call to capitalise on their ‘free quote’ service, also their apparent discount for AA members: I give the delightfully warm-spirited Polynesian girl, Mary, my particulars, I advise her that I’m only keen to go for third party cover as it’s my belief that anything more than that’s a gamble and you know me Mary, I say, I like to play it straight…

Following a good ten seconds of contagious giggling, here’s what she said: “Alright sir, I just need to ask you a few questions…”

Gosh, I thought, I thought youi were the only insurance company who asked questions; I thought the other ones just judged what kind of person you were from your voice, how good a driver you were from the abruptness of your speech patterns…

“…Do you drive your car to work, sir?” Mary inquired.

“I work from home, Mary.”

“Oh, OK then, so do you park your car on the road, or up your driveway?”

“I have a garage, Mary, and unlike every other resident on my street, I’ve put my washing machine back in the laundry so I can now use the garage to park my car.”

“Oh, OK,” she said, making more tapping sounds, presumably on a keyboard, “and have you made any insurance claims in the last ten years?”

“Ah, shit, um … No, that would’ve been twelve years ago … It was a third party claim, I rolled back into another car – smashed up their bumper pretty bad.”

“Oh, OK, but your car was fine..?”

“Yes it was, thanks – I have a tow bar fitted for that very reason, Mary.”

This conversation continued for some time and with each different inquiry I fielded, I was reminded of the youi commercial where that Todd Emerson guy strongly implies that other companies don’t ask questions about their customers.

What I learned from my ‘genuine’ inquiries regarding ‘Third party cover including fire, theft and vandalism’ for my car, was that every insurance company to whom I spoke in fact does ask questions; the peculiar thing I noticed was that they ask the very same questions that that youi advertisement claims they do not ask. It was all very odd.

For the record, between, AA Insurance, Tower, AMI, and my current vehicle insurer, Vero, there was around a $30 annual difference – which was composed primarily of AA’s discount. It was then that I gave youi a call. By now I’m profoundly bored with answering the same cluster of questions which I now realise, apparent keyboard tapping notwithstanding, don’t make a shit of difference anyway.

Ultimately each company is going to charge what it likes while remaining competitive and regardless of circumstance, providing you’ve proven yourself to be a responsible, reliable motorist, that flat rate is more or less what you’ll be charged.

Youi on the other hand claims to be able to charge less because it makes a greater effort to find out about its customers, thereby cutting down on life’s variables. That’s their reasoning. That’s perhaps how they could offer me a mildly cheaper rate than the AA.

In reality all insurance companies, perhaps perfunctorily, now ask their customers questions and if youi can still manage to provide the service cheaper than its competitors, it’s only because it’s accepting a lower profit margin – there is no way that youi pays out to its clients such a lower value as to warrant charging significantly lower premiums.

The conclusion, or theory, clearly, insurance companies charge far more for their services than they need to in order to make a profit. Obviously, they need to have more money coming in as premiums than is going out as payouts, and youi is seemingly satisfied with taking a little less of that cream. Of course youi can’t just tell New Zealanders that they’re being grossly overcharged, therefore, when it comes to the question of their charging less, the answer is based around questions.

Makes sense.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by U E Ashired

Photography by Onshi Rance Cam

New Zealand’s favourite airline, Jet Star, have again surrounded themselves in controversy.

Reportedly customers have been falling afoul of their online ticket purchasing service, unwittingly paying extra for additionals such as insurance fees, baggage fees, credit card fees, booking and service fees etc. It seems these ‘hidden’ fees have the ability to turn a cost effective, $40 domestic flight into a sojourn of almost double that cost.

The thing is with Jet Star’s online ticketing options, similar to practically every other online form one might ever have to fill out, by default many of the ‘extras’ boxes come already checked; it is therefore up to the person filling out the form to carefully un-check them.

It’s a clear money-making strategy which most every company uses and in my opinion, given that any person filling out any form, online or otherwise, ought to have thoroughly read every word on that form, it’s a pretty clear case of caveat emptor – let the buyer beware. As a consumer, you should never assume that a service’s most stripped-back rate will come aligned with its most stripped-back package.

As a consumer, you should be aware also that these companies are not trying to be your friend; these companies are trying to screw as much money out of you as they legally can.

Article by Tim walker

Edited by Dee V Huss

Photography by Jett Starr

According to the Opposition zero-hour contracts ought to be abolished; according to Prime Minister John Key, they could do with some amendment.

Zero hour contracts, favoured by fast food outlets or similar corporations boasting high employee turnovers, are contracts where despite an employee’s requirement to make themselves available for work, the employer is not actually required to provide any hours for that worker.

According to the Opposition zero-hour contracts are unfair on young and inexperienced workers; according to New Zealand’s Government the standard of these contracts just need ameliorating somewhat.

The zero-hour standard has undergone amelioration. Now if small employers want to implement zero-hour contracts they must provide for their employees benefits, retainers, assurances; in fact all the liberties one would expect to receive from working such highly skilled positions…

I wrote a piece a while back entitled ‘Minimum’. It referred to ongoing complaints from minimum wage workers that their wage was insufficient. Of course I maintained that if a worker has no qualifications, no skills and is working a position that requires no training, chances are, that’s all they’re probably entitled to. I can’t help feeling that the same theory might apply here.

For someone who is new to the workforce and perhaps isn’t even willing/able to work fulltime I’m sure zero-hour contracts are fine; for someone trying to maintain a household probably not so much, so perhaps this latter group ought to be sourcing their employment elsewhere.

In order for small business in New Zealand – they may be part of a massive franchise but individually they’re still pretty small – to survive often the ability to employ workers on the cheap is a necessary evil.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Sarah Awa

Photography by Chip Whirr-Kerr

It was never my plan to turn 32 today, it just happened this way.

Nor do I recall exactly when I lost my zest for officially becoming one year older than I was the day before. Suffice to say I don’t recall my 31^st – not for the reasons one might expect – I just know it took place and am content to leave it at that. I recall my 30^th filling me with the rancour that most people synonymise with elderly incontinence. On my 29^th I recall just being sorrowful to leave behind 28; which incidentally I recall not even wanting to become because 27 was so damned awesome…

I am frequently corrected and often berated for referring to my current age as ‘middle aged’. I ponder this, asking myself if it’s fair that they’re having a go at me out of their frustration at not being able to do basic math.

0 – 29, in my opinion, ought to be considered ‘young’.

30 – 59, in my opinion, ought to be considered ‘middle aged’. (Whether or not you wish to hyphenate the aforementioned is up to you, I guess it’s a question of maturity.)

60 – 89, in my opinion, ought to be considered ‘old’.

To anyone who wants to go past that, well, I guess that’s your call. Just know that I never would and for the record, you are no longer simply old, you are now ‘ancient’ or as some might warrant/prefer, ‘decrepit’.

In saying that, Prince Philip is 94 years old. He doesn’t give a shit. He does what he likes and says what he thinks. I like him.

So here’s hoping.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Happy B Day

Photography by Te Mai

Interesting how a particular culture’s apparent ‘rites’ or ‘customs’ can result in liberties that would seem wrong or even illegal to the rest of us.

One instance that immediately pops into mind is the old favourite ‘All Blacks’ – who else but the national sports team of a nation which prides itself on all things equality could get away with proudly labelling itself with a title that, according to some groups around the world, would come perilously close to being labelled ‘racism’?

More recently though was the rugby match played between New Zealand and Samoa which was celebrated by both nations. Many in NZ took time off work to watch it in a pub or bar; many in Samoa did the same…

Sorry, they did almost the same. This is where the Samoan culture of ‘share and share alike’ doesn’t quite line up with the laws of the land.

…In an act that must be considered tantamount to purchasing a 24 pack of Coke from the Warehouse for $18 then selling the cans individually at a 150 percent mark-up, a large number of Samoan locals were said to be congregating around the same television to view live coverage of the game – through a Sky decoder paid for by one of the attendees.

In Sky Television’s opinion this is blatant theft. In the opinion of most other people around the globe this could be considered television piracy; the very same act that has been condemned by broadcasting corporations around the world.

In Samoa though it doesn’t matter so much; they’re just being friendly.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Osama Samoa

Photography by Skye Pire Rate

Few months ago I started affording fleeting attention to the plethora of advertisements plastered around my ‘Daily Dose’ site.

Some of them really are comical; seemingly based loosely around the content of my own articles these advertisements range from ‘Bicycle Repairs’ and ‘Auto Shops’ to ‘Fitness Classes’ and my favourite, ‘Foods to Never Eat’.

Favouritism notwithstanding the one that popped up on a recent article genuinely annoyed me; I am quite familiar with, and in many ways inured to, the aforementioned supposed doctor’s line of ‘Things to Never do’ narrations – flaunting a decidedly limited range spanning all the way from eating to exercising – but this particular ad was entitled ‘4 Veggies to Never Eat’.

I guessed this would be just another cliché-ridden, hyperbole-infused endorsement directed at that special variety of processed-food subsisting, once-in-every-three-day defecating, unequivocally-medical-profession advocating, slothful idiots who detest any food that doesn’t come tightly enclosed in a plastic wrapper and whose ingredients comprise more numbers than genuine food elements, and closed the page.

The thing is though, I have in the past succumbed to my innate curiosity and clicked on one of these ‘Never’ advertisements. It was a video detailing advice from a suavely dressed, sveltely accented, apparent American doctor, regarding the five foods to avoid ‘at all costs’ if one is having difficulty ‘shedding that unsightly excess’. I wasn’t surprised when fifteen minutes and three implicit sales pitches later, I had learned nothing of substance.

Suffice to say I closed the video before it had finished playing out, taking nothing from it but, importantly, giving up nothing either. I could only imagine how what I had just witnessed might be perceived by a weaker-minded, lazier-spirited and/or more gullible person looking for the easy way to deal with their, largely self-inflicted, woes. “Oh wow,” I imagined the person exclaiming, “this miraculous doctor so understands me, like he totally gets all of my issues, like, he totally gets me, and like, he knows how much I hate hard work, so like, if I go along with what he’s saying, oh wow, like, he’ll totally fix me!”

All he’s really done is use a heading that will prove eye-catching to those sorry folk out there who are searching for that easy fix to the issues and/or health concerns that have befallen them through a life of essential neglect by doing only what they want to do and at no stage would they be willing to do anything that goes against that doctrine of self satisfaction.

Ultimately he’s preyed on the weak. From there he will likely sell them a product or a plan or a product-plan that looks appealing and appears to go along with everything they’d always believed about nutrition in the first place…

It’s a crooked world.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Salep Hitch

Photography by Nev R Tua-Du

I first became acquainted with Jared Fogle around ten years ago.

He was a frightfully large character and had this unholy fetish for eating Subway sandwiches. Sadly I lost contact with the man some years later, after hearing that his corpulent physique had been reduced to an unsightly excess of flabby skin and associated nappy-rash.

Some years after that I hear his Subway sandwich eating fetish has degenerated into something decidedly less innocuous.

This once exceedingly large then extremely flabby but still just a little overweight and always sexually ambiguous man, for some reason has taken his life of Subway fame down the much more sinister path of, allegedly, receiving and distributing child pornography.

Mr Fogle has yet to be officially charged with anything although raids on his home took place in Zionsville, Indianapolis yesterday.

For any to man to allegedly receive and distribute child pornography is an unthinkable act but Jared Fogle, the face of Subway?

I will never look at another foot-long the same way again.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Fry T Fell

Photography by Flip N Sea

On the 5^th of July my latest novel, Pride in the Name, had been with HarperCollins Publications for three months…

I think.

Not really too sure, but during some deep recollection earlier this morning (who knew there was an ‘earlier’ than 5.30 a.m.?) I recalled posting it to the publisher on the 1^st of some month – either March, April, or June, but not February or July. As I lay there contemplating (as I sometimes like to do in bed before 5.30 a.m.) the memories became progressively clear until yes, I recalled commencing writing somewhere around the end of February – either the 25^th, 26^th, or perhaps 27^th, but not the 24^th or the 28^th – where I must then have written, unabated, through March until, as I recall, 33 days after writing the beginning, I sent the parcel on what must have been the 1^st of April.

Alright, conundrum averted.

As lucidity further set in I recalled in fact, some weeks after posting the script, utilising the online tracking feature to, like an overprotective caregiver, check up on its current whereabouts. Regarding that piece of passive-aggressive parenting, in my mind’s eye, the ‘5^th’ is burned into the cornea (along with some writing that I can’t quite make out). I deduced that this lone ‘5^th’ must have been the date of reception therefore, three months after April, July has to be the month.

Alright, averted conundrum reinforced.

Now, according to what I learned ten or so years ago, three months is, without exception, the longest period any publisher will keep a manuscript under assessment before either accepting or, as is more familiar to me, rejecting the work. Therefore, it’s fair to say that after a script has withstood what I consider the immediate fail period of, say, two weeks to a month, the longer it stays away the better.

In saying that, my 6^th attempt, entitled Dictionary, which by all accounts was a spectacular(ly wordy piece of shit) novel, stayed with HarperCollins for six months before I mustered the gumption to give the office in Auckland a call.

“Oh, gosh, Mr Walker -”

“Tim, please.”

“I’m sorry, Kim, but according to our records, it’s still, hang on, yes, there it is, it says ‘Dictionary’ is still under assessment…”

“Oh, shit, well, sorry, Anna, I mean, well, if it’s still under assessment then by all means, leave them be, I was really just checking to see that it hadn’t been lost…”

“Oh, OK, but how long did you say we’d had it?”

“Ah, six months, yesterday … But if they’re still assessing it, please, just leave them to it, it’s fine.”

“Oh no Mr Walker, six months is far too long, I’ll make sure they return it straight away.”

“No no, Anna, please, if it’s still being assessed it’s fine, just leave them to it.”

“No, Mr Walker, I’ll see that they get it straight back to you.”

“No, Anna, please, it’s fine…”

Few days later the yellow ticket turned up in my post box to let me know that ‘Dictionary’ had come home. The moral of that story is, much as publishing companies might like to maintain their ‘three month limit’ on manuscript assessments, it’s not always the way and excited as I was when ‘Dictionary’ surpassed the three month threshold, these days nothing is a certainty.

Anyway, the point of this really, was to let you know that, as of last week, you reached the end of part two – somewhere around the midway point of Pride in the Name. At this point in the story, if I recall, the North Koreans should be drawing nearer and the scene ought to be nicely set for the Walters family to embark on their wartime contribution. I didn’t plan it like this; I’d naively hoped to hear back from HarperCollins within the first month or two to say they were keen to print my work, and only then would I stop posting chapters. Realistically I hadn’t even thought about how far I’d go distributing my crudely edited excerpts, but I guess now is as good a time as any to stick in the proverbial fork. To those who were actually trying to follow the story, I apologise.

We’ll see. If it turns out none of New Zealand’s major publishing houses want to print the manuscript I hope to post it, along with the sequel, Pride in the Land – without which Pride in the Name actually falls a little flat (hah, probably should have told you that before you started but that would hardly have been sales-friendly now, would it?) – which is currently around 22,000 words deep, also myriad other titles I have on file which all require some adjusting but ultimately are all rollicking good reads, including Dictionary, onto my website as one of those e-book things and hopefully sell eleven or twelve copies…

I like to be realistic.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Brie Ten Chase

Photography by Wright Herr

Define irony:

One morbidly obese idiot, embarking on a hunger strike, in protest of ACC, refusing to pay, for his gastric bypass surgery.

Jason Patterson weighs 130 kilograms. He claims to have gained the majority of this excess weight after being put on a previous medication. Now he requires surgery for a hernia. ACC is willing to pay for this hernia operation. Understandably though, surgeons are unwilling to anaesthetise such an overweight person…

This in itself is not uncommon – at 130kgs Mr Patterson’s breathing will probably be laboured, he will be horrendously unfit and his heart will be pumping much more blood thus working much harder than it otherwise would. Ultimately his body will be under a great deal more stress than it needs to be; it therefore makes sense that he should first undergo severe weight reduction.

…ACC is not, however, willing to pay for the gastric bypass surgery that has been shown to result in a person’s quick and effective weight-loss, thereby enabling Mr Patterson to undergo his hernia operation for which ACC is willing to pay.

So he’s gone on a hunger strike. Nice one. I am unsure if this ‘protest’ is actually intended to sway ACC’s stance, or if he’s simply hoping that for the, reported, five days he’s already been starving himself, he might be on the way to shedding the excess preventing him from having his hernia operation.

More likely is the prospect that starvation-dieting is the only form of dieting he can manage; he clearly enjoys food and generally speaking, if he’s allowed his body to reach a state where he’s being declined surgery, he won’t have good willpower.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Starr Vey Shinn

Photography by Stu Mack Staple

What a tremendous thing to see the Super 15 trophy lifted in the south, and by a team other than the Crusaders.

Despite lacking both home ground advantage and the support of the greater New Zealand sporting public, the Otago Highlanders did it anyway, coming away with a hard fought 21 to 14 win over rivals, Wellington Hurricanes.

That’s the thing though and yes, I do realise how easy it is for me to say now that I backed the Highlanders the whole way, but I actually did. They had come storming through the Super Rugby rankings, in recent weeks defeating some massive teams including the NSW Waratahs, and I honestly believed they had the power to upset that other virgin Super Trophy winner…

Adding to the fact that the Hurricanes had beaten the Highlanders on both occasions they had met during the regular season, there was the impending difficulty of playing the final match away from the comfort of home ground support. Admittedly it didn’t look auspicious for the away side and understandably the Highlanders had gone into the match unequivocally donning the underdog tag.

…As previously stated, along with a passionate throng of southern supporters making the voyage north, I had faith in the Highlanders.

In a superb game where the ‘franchise’ tag has taken from Super Rugby teams any real sense of regional pride, given that many of the Crusaders side reside in Auckland and I assume the same is true of the Highlanders, controversial tries notwithstanding because I’m sure at least one errant blade of grass must have brushed the ball’s surface, I was overjoyed to see the Otago Highlanders come away victorious on the day.

The problem was I had so much faith, my bet was for a win of 13+…

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Jamie Joseph

Photography by Wynn Near