Tim Walker’s Queen

Buzz on the street is that Her Majesty the Queen turns 89 years old today, so congratulations on that one, Liz.

Yeah, then some idiot, who obviously didn’t know who I was, tried to correct me, saying that I was a bit behind, claiming she’d already turned 89. I responded with my typical display of unjustified frustration, rebutting hard with all the self-righteousness of a well used douche-bag, saying if they wanted to get all uppity about time zone differences and the like that was their call, but you know me man, I’m not given to pedantry.

They maintained it wasn’t anything to do with time zones though, they maintained her birthday is not actually on the 1st of June; worse still their implication was that I was wrong. I know.

Every year I’ve celebrated Liz’s b’day in rollicking fashion on June the…

Hang about. Just scrolling back through last year’s diary, it seems I celebrated her birthday on a different day a year ago. Seems like a peculiar thing to do. What’s more, next year, apparently, I plan to change again.

Further to this birthday wrought (like the iron because it’s twisted, not rort as I see has become an accepted modern day manner of spelling the term but which actually has no meaning at all), and this really is noteworthy, it seems Australians, who like to refer to the English as ‘poms’ despite the term ‘pommie’ originating from the acronym POME which in fact stood for ‘Prisoner Of Mother England’ and related to the way in which England used to send their convicts to Australia thereby making them Prisoners Of Mother England therefore making that jammy bunch of Aussie louts the pommie ones and not the other way around; so further to this birthday wrought of today not being Liz’s proper b’day, apparently Australia don’t celebrate her birthday today either, but from what I’ve heard the day they do celebrate isn’t even her real birthday and on top of all that, on top of Australia’s audacity that is, not even the whole of Australia celebrate it on that day, like, Western Australia don’t but here’s the real shit of it, guess who else doesn’t? Bloody Queensland, that’s who.

Seriously, Queensland. Yeah. I know.

Alright, so on further research I’ve discovered my own folly. Yes, the nation of New Zealand – who I’ve noticed also seem to quite favour that erroneous usage of the term ‘pommie’ – celebrate Liz’s b’day on June the 1st while Australia choose to do their Queen-related booze-up on June the 8th except for WA which are doing it on the 28th of September. Next year though, Queensland team up with WA, becoming similarly contrary and reckon they’ll do it on the 3rd of October while WA are sticking with September but shifting the date to the 26th leaving the rest of Australia to have their Queenie birthday bash on June the 13th; oh and as for New Zealand, next year we’ll make sure we’re still just a little different from the mob and schedule our party on June 6th.

All this, all this and I still don’t know Lizzie’s proper birthday – thought we were mates, her and me, like, I was gonna invite her to my birthday party and that but how can she invite me to hers when I don’t even know when hers is anymore?

Dude, be cool. Queen Elizabeth the second, was born on April the 21st, 1926; so she is 89 years’ old, you were right.

So that’s when she was born, April 21st, 1926 – even in Australia?

Shit, I’m pretty that’s when she was born even in Guatemala.

But Guatemala’s not part of the Commonwealth.

You know, I don’t think it matters.

Oh, well, so why does she have so many birthdays?

She only has one really, or maybe two – the actual one in April and another in June during the England summer.

You mean June the 1st, like today, so NZ were right after all.

Happy 89th, Liz.



Article by Tim Walker

Edited by H R Einess

Photography by B Feater

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