On the morning of what promises to be New Zealand’s biggest Super Rugby match-up in years, sadly, this glorious rivalry has been tarnished by those who were quick to perceive this event only as a money-making opportunity.

The aforementioned match between the Wellington Hurricanes and the Otago Highlanders is scheduled to play out in Wellington; even so a great many ardent southern supporters were very keen to make their way up the nation to be a part of the spectacle. A seat at the Cake Tin was retailing for around $30; all they had to do therefore was to procure tickets.…

Tickets for the game first went on sale online; these sold out in under a minute. For the supporters of the old school of course there were still classic ticket-booth sales; these also sold out before many hardened supporters – some camping out under the elements to be sure of a purchase – could secure theirs. Further lots of tickets were later put up online and in the physical sense; all were quickly snapped up. It wasn’t long before all ticket retailers were sold out. Desperate fans turned to what is ostensibly the only place these days where New Zealand folk can buy second-hand goods, Trade Me.

…From $30 over the ticket-booth counter, some Highlanders/Hurricanes tickets were now going for up to $750. It’s a filthy practise but technically, given the abundance of loopholes, it’s not illegal. Arse-wipes who have zero interest in attending the game yet purchase a handful of tickets for their ‘friends’, who usually turn out to not be able to go after all, see that those tickets are quickly uploaded and, at about a 1000 percent profit, offloaded.

Scalping of tickets is a sickening practise. It deprives those genuine supporters of the opportunity to partake in an event, at the price set by the organisers of said event. I have heard the scalper rationale on the matter – “If they truly want to go, they should be willing to pay a bit extra for it…” – which is an utterly ridiculous thing to say. They shouldn’t have to pay ‘a bit extra’ because New Zealand is not a communist dictatorship. It is a free country where generally good people live their generally good lives, and ticket scalpers are the breed of degenerate outcast who have no compunction about preying on that goodness.

There is money to be made in the scalping game admittedly, one just needs to have scruples so depraved, so truly amoral that they have no appreciation whatsoever for the goodness, the decency that holds mankind together.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Haye Chit-Bag

Photography by Ura D Jenna-Rit

I do recall offering a warning about the astonishing prevalence of sequels.

Astonishing furthermore is the tenacity with which New Zealand, and indeed worldwide, media groups continue to play on our collective sense of unease; like when they tell us to wear sunscreen to avoid the sun’s cancer-causing rays, without bothering to mention that the majority of those creams/lotions contain cancer-causing properties in their own right meaning excessive use can lead to…

I guess the main thing is that people aren’t getting sunburned. They’re feeling much better about slathering their bodies in cancer-salve to avoid contracting melanoma skin cancer, while at the same time opening themselves up to a plethora of other forms of cancer thereby effectively negating the whole sun-smart/cancer-avoidance philosophy which I just know they were so hoping to abide.

…Cancer. It’s not false advertising per se, it’s misleading or deceitful advertising. Their creams do exactly what they say they’ll do: hide the bearer from the sun’s harmful ultraviolet rays for a given time. Anything else is incidental. Everybody knows that all drugs have side-effects, and refusing to recognise your beloved sunscreen as a drug won’t make it any less likely to kill you of ‘unrelated causes’.

Our ever-informative media also dictates that on top of sunscreen we should ‘wrap up’ with long-sleeved shirts, wide-brimmed hats, and of course sunglasses, lest we should look any less awesome than we absolutely have to. In fact according to what our media will have you believe, our sun in the sky and anyone walking the land with less than dark to swarthy skin, are simply not miscible counterparts. According to modern media these unfortunate fair-skinned souls ought to wrap themselves up in their cotton shirts and sombreros along with their aviators and granny-panties, ensuring a liberal daubing of cancer-salve before embarking on any kind of summertime excursion; but here’s the issue I take with that.

As warm blooded people we require heat to survive. Given that we additionally require adequate absorption of the minerals calcium and phosphorous – also a functional immune system to fight that big C should it eventuate – if along with our heat requirement we could grab some vitamin D to facilitate the aforementioned functions, I’d say that’d be a pretty big bonus, yeah?

Alright, who’s going to tell me the easiest way to pick up some vitamin D?

It should be noted, although sunlight hours during the winter months dwindle, the body’s requirement for sunlight doesn’t; which probably goes some way to explaining peoples’ lacking in wintertime vigour.

Gosh, but how does one subject themselves to the vitality that is sunlight, while avoiding the scourge that is sunlight?

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Muddy Ray Shinn

Photography by Isti Answer

I feel as though sequels are the way to go at the moment…

Alright. The new All Black jersey has just been released and offers few surprises; it’s all black. So it’s not just a clever name. Apparently more technology has gone in developing this tightly fitted blouse than ever before leaving me to question a couple of points: for how long have NASA been employed by the NZRFU and, is rugby still considered a sport of hard men?

The Invercargill aluminium smelter is having difficulties and, like Greece, might soon be beyond help. As southern New Zealand’s biggest employer and Meridian Energy’s biggest customer, losing operation of this Tiwai plant, like the financial collapse of Greece, would be a devastating outcome.

Hey, that Hayden Paddon’s a man to watch; in the sport of WRC this guy is Possum Bourne all over again. Already with a podium finish in Poland, now let’s see if he can finish first in Finland.

A Port of Otago worker suffered injuries when his straddle-crane toppled, falling some forty metres to the ground, leaving the machine’s cab crushed. I just hope the guy was wearing his hi-vis vest.

Sadly the subject of my ‘Naïve’ piece was unable to sell his story to a Balinese judge after all; he plans to appeal the fifteen year sentence but in doing so, brings back the possibility of a death sentence. Only his family seem to believe this 52-year-old Whhhanganui man when he tells them the I.7 kilograms of methamphetamine he was trying to shift through customs was for a girl he likes.

Finally, five people were stabbed last night in Johnsonville; one is dead. What is with people? Seriously. Just stop it.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Lycra U Nifform

Photography by Stubby McGee

“Almost eight weeks on from the first air attack on Washington DC, astonishingly, but certainly, in no small part, thanks to intervention from the UN, there has been no reported retaliation.

“Still a little over a week out from North Korea’s original D-day, which, as we may recall, was the first day of the New Year, this one sided war, North Korea has waged on the rest of the world, appears to be fizzling out.

“Whether the rest of the world is, since learning of General of the Army, Kodos Wanton’s, unquenchable bloodlust, fearful of how the unpredictable Koreans might react or if, they are simply, biding their time, waiting, for the optimal moment to strike back, other than the occasional provocation from North Korea, in the form of a comparatively feeble missile strike, or other, incendiary, attack, the planet appears, relatively at peace.

“Given the unconventional nature of the world’s, current unrest, where ultimately, one nation is inciting one hundred percent of the violence, the hope of a ceasefire over Christmas, is, if anything, a gamble.

“But the lingering question, at many people’s lips, is why, nobody has been doing anything, to stop, or at least, to stymie this, unprovoked, onslaught? And for the answer, we cross live now to UN Security Council member, Carol Hives, Carol, why has the world been standing idly by while, North Korea, takes, pot-shots at us?”

“As I said, Michael, in the beginning, it was the imminent threat, the potential for world war that kept everybody, shall we say, disarmed, and also Michael, of course, the manifestly blatant fact that, to go to war against a nation such as North Korea has become, would be plainly futile but now, given the magnitude and, well, latitude, of North Korea’s most recent air strikes, over Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, even India, and, most shockingly, Russia, I fear to say it, world war might already be upon us.

“So when exactly are the world’s, powerhouse nations, going to stand up for themselves, going to say ‘enough’s enough’, and start fighting back?”

“Alright, Michael, it would seem that you are a little behind, and certainly, two days ago had you asked me that question, I am sure I would have replied along the lines of, why would anyone bother fighting back when they know the power of their assailant, is quite simply, unassailable?

“Alright, I see.”

“Yes, but as I said Michael, you’ve fallen behind, way down there in the south … A little under an hour ago, the world did, as you put it, start fighting back.

“Oh, alright then, so, Carol, how’s progress?

“As expected, Michael, it’s not good.

“Please, Carol, elaborate.

“This was the reason, Michael, as I keep telling the world’s newscasters, that no nation was willing to fight back, against, the North Korean army.

“And what, was that reason, please, Carol?

“Michael, North Korean armed forces, having coupled with Chinese armed forces, simply and unequivocally, are a totally, however you put it, unbeatable, undefeatable, unassailable, force.

“Alarming stuff, Carol, please, continue.

“Michael, you sound, detached, I am unsure you are, comprehending, quite the gravity, of what I’m reporting to you…”

“Please, Carol, go on..?

“The North Korean military, Michael, are simply, too strong…

“Yes, it’s alarming stuff alright, Carol.

“Michael, listen to me, when I say, the world, is under, attack.

“Alright, thank you, Carol … We’re leaving Carol Hives now … This is Michael Robertson, with Three News, wishing everyone a merry Christmas, and happy holidays, and a very good night.”

Dave Walters never woke up.

No way. It’s too much. I’m a gone-burger.

Still keeping the pride? K.

Recent tests have revealed that the quality of a man’s sperm deteriorates as he ages.

This means that not only does his chance of fathering children become lower but the children that he might father are at greater risk of suffering birth defects such as Down’s Syndrome or other congenital issue.

This revelation has prompted calls of ‘free sperm freezing for eighteen-year-olds’, with the hope that an older man wishing to procreate could call upon his more youthful sperm to perform the task; of course the freezing of sperm would also be beneficial for sufferers of testicular cancer, or related maladies rendering a male infertile.

Unsurprisingly the main aspect holding back this initiative is of a financial nature – with initial semen banking costing over $100 then with an annual storage fee of over $150 – which the Government would be expected to pay.

If every teenage male was to capitalise on this strategy on their eighteenth birthday – given how eighteen-year-old boys are so renowned for their forward-thinking ability – over a couple of years it could cost the Government in the vicinity of billions of dollars.

Let’s hope they find a way though because as we all should know by now, if there’s one thing this world desperately needs, it’s a higher rate of reproduction…

I can’t speak for her but using frozen sperm wouldn’t be the same, would it?

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Freya Zen Swum-Marr

Photography by I C Pessy

Compared with the rest of the world’s nations, fair to say New Zealand is rather small; yet we endeavour to broadcast reality with the best of them.

Regarding land mass we’re quite small, regarding population we’re decidedly small and regarding the ability to think for ourselves, seemingly, we’re downright tiny. Much as I’m sure individual New Zealand citizens would dispute this, as a collective we love nothing more than to throw ourselves onboard that ridiculously fickle fashion-bandwagon and ride the success of an American or, better yet, an Australian initiative.

Given that the world appears to have agreed that the 21^st century is the era of reality television, it is not unexpected that New Zealand would wish to also partake in this worldwide pervasion of hackney.

When the US filmed its first season of American Idol I recall being amazed at the depth of talent they had on offer; the Idol bus drove state to state, auditioning thousands of hopefuls at each location and the level of talent we saw, utterly breathtaking. Few years down the track we thought it’d be awesome to give NZ Idol a nudge…

Yeah.

It wasn’t quite as good as we’d all been led to believe it’d be, and I think Ben Lummis would agree. That said, as the runner-up, Michael Murphy did enjoy some fleeting success.

The problem is that we try to replicate the reality shows of other countries while seemingly forgetting that, where the US had over 150 million potentially talented people for its debut season of Idol New Zealand scarcely had over four. Australia had a shot too and, along with their 20 million, it has to be said, they did alright.

It just makes me uneasy to see our meagre population competing with the big guns and failing so abjectly. Granted, while I predicted The Bachelor NZ to be one of our biggest televised abortions to date, there were some who claimed to have genuinely enjoyed it; that said, I think we can all agree that NZ doesn’t Got Talent.

Shows about cooking, shows about gardening; shows about dancing, shows about singing; shows about talent, shows about fashion; shows about renovating, shows about building; shows about finding love, shows about swapping wives…

My God, really?

Curious that New Zealand hasn’t yet felt able to embrace the Big Brother franchise or perhaps done a spinoff or something similar; although I do think a reality show called Little Sister might arouse some inappropriate questioning.

I was suitably disgusted a few months back to see the impending arrival of Come Dine With Me NZ flickering across my television screen so, just as I had done for The Bachelor NZ, made a quick pledge of avoidance. Few weeks later though, while chopping down through the channels I inexplicably hesitated. The memories of that night are lurid: I can still see before me a table seating three expectant guests; two chubby females across from one portly male. I hear the first chubby female speak with classic Kiwi inflexion and elongated vowel sounds: “Oh yeah, I had no idea what an eye fillet even was…”

The portly male interjects: “It’s steak.”

The other chubby woman concludes the exchange with a vacuous giggle and a lot more of that wonderful Kiwi inflexion: “Oh, I thought it was fish.”

Suffice to say I swallowed the bile in my mouth and quickly moved on.

Another evening I saw an advertisement for what, I believe but can’t be certain, was that very same show. This time it was a dapper young gentleman remarking about how, “…Oh, I just feel so, oh … So much like a royal!”

“Regal,” I recall thought/mumbling, “You just feel so regal.”

Honestly, we are not adequately equipped to take on big reality; can we please let go and just focus on our strengths – like developing more sensational, fictional Kiwi television shows such as Westside?

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Prez Don Singh

Photography by N E Moa

Pascal’s confectionary company are said to be discontinuing sales of their famed Liquorice Allsorts due to an apparent ‘dwindling demand’ for the product.

On hearing this, as seems to be the Kiwi way, now almost every person in the nation is in uproar claiming something along the lines of, “Oh but you can’t stop making Liquorice Allsorts, gosh, they were our favourite lolly in the whole wide…”

I’m unsure if this is a recognised issue across the world or if it’s strictly a New Zealand problem, how nobody seems to cares about a particular product’s existence while it’s readily available then the instant there’s talk of it being taken away, everybody is suddenly an advocate.

Reminiscent of the Georgie Pie fiasco a few years back: I recall this franchise opening shops around Christchurch when I was a youngster; all I ever heard from anyone about the quality of the place was that it was ‘rough’, ‘dirty’, ‘squalid’, ‘cheap’ and ‘disgusting’ (I assumed at least one of those adjectives must have been describing the food). Therefore I grew up harbouring the belief that this Georgie Pie franchise was something of an outcast that nobody really wanted anyway…

You can imagine my confusion then when, on announcing that Georgie pie was to be closing its shops throughout New Zealand, almost every person I observed speaking on the topic was outraged – they loved Georgie Pie, they had always loved it and my assertion that anyone I’d spoken to in the past about it didn’t much care for Georgie Pie so I guessed it wasn’t all bad, was met with vociferous cynicism.

Now they’re taking away your Liquorice Allsorts because you’re not buying enough and I suppose you’re going to try and tell me that it must be everyone else who’s not buying enough, ‘cause you always bought heaps o’ them…

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by George E Paye

Photography by U Bullocks

All that talk of Kauri seems to have uprooted some further protester discord.

I can totally see why protesters would be so vehemently against the removal of ancient Kauri stumps from Kaitaia’s wetlands – those stumps have been there for a long time.

That was the reason. They’ve been there for a long time.

See, as a protester you must be against anything related to change; you must relinquish the desire for progress in any form, especially if it results in somebody’s financial gain.

Seriously though, this ancient Kauri is beautiful wood. It has the potential to be fashioned into exquisite tabletops, bench-tops, cabinets, or other furniture. Why anyone would rather this amazing timber be left to lie at the bottom of a swamp for another couple of thousand years when it could be put to good use above land, admired and treasured, is beyond me.

Protesters, ecologists, conservationists, greenies or whatever the hell you lot like to be called, it’s time you woke up and started looking to the future. Not everything can always be the same as it ever was. Think logic. Think practicality.

Think sense.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Cody Greening

Photography by Tim Burr

Those bloody protesters again; most recently a bunch of the idiots scaled the walls of New Zealand’s Parliament House in protest of…

No. That’s what they want me to do. Well I refuse to lower myself to their game of public spectacle, citizen outcry and such. In my opinion they climbed the Beehive, thereby causing a massive security breach for no other reason than because they are a bunch of impetuous dickheads with nothing better to do than bring down the hopes and dreams of greater New Zealand.

Few months ago – and I very nearly wrote a piece on this at the time – some dude in Auckland wanted to clear some land on his property and decided the gargantuan Kauri (which is actually pronounced ‘Cody’) standing in the corner was taking up too much space. Understandably then he took measures to cut down this tree.

Well, next thing all hell’s broken loose. Despite following all the appropriate legal channels, gaining consent to have the tree felled safely and so forth, next thing there’s one of these bloody tree-huggers, literally hugging his tree.

I know, it’s a difficult thing for all us law-abiding citizens to comprehend but apparently if you’re a protester it doesn’t matter; if you’re a protester, seemingly, you’re above the law.

That’s right, according to the protester handbook, if you have good cause you can bust onto anybody’s property and do whatever the hell you wish. In the case of the Kauri protester he climbed it then kept vigil until he got his way; in this recent case the idiot protesters defied national security by infiltrating Parliament grounds and essentially, made a mockery of our Government by using the walls of Parliament House as a climbing frame – all to ‘peacefully’ protest something that I still refuse to mention.

No. That cute little alliterative description ‘Peaceful Protest’ has to be the biggest oxymoron of the 21^st century.

Remember silly Pete Bethune? Remember the way a few years back he threw himself onboard and tried to manhandle the crew of the vessel that he and his affiliated boat were protesting, in order to prevent them from doing whatever they were doing? Fair call, it was regarding whaling and yes, I too am against whaling in the South Pacific but for Pete’s sake, you can’t just go doing illegal shit simply because you feel strongly on a particular matter.

For the record, Mr Bethune was incarcerated for five months and personally, he deserved longer.

While I am not necessarily against the values protesters uphold, I am invariably against the ways in which they go about expressing those beliefs.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Trey Hye Geer

Photography by John Law

A new brand of readily available, comparatively inexpensive heroin is quickly spreading throughout the United States of America.

It’s a worrying phenomenon, moreover when one considers how easily it could bridge the gap to become a part of New Zealand youth culture.

The affordability of this new variety of drug is such that the inevitable addiction it presents is more financially sustainable, therefore is an easier habit to maintain than its classic heroin counterpart, meaning furthermore that this cheaper drug is proving much more devastating to young lives across America.

In a news report out of Miami, dealers can be seen out on the streets openly distributing this drug to passersby, indicating that its prevalence is so diffuse and its exchange so widespread, that this is a trend US police are simply unable to control.

I’m reminded of a recent seizure of drugs involving a New Zealand man who allegedly tried to smuggle 1.7kgs of methamphetamine into Bali – this 52-year-old beneficiary claims he was unaware of the contents as he was innocently transporting the bag for a woman he’d met on an Internet dating site…

Different drug, different country, sure, but the theme’s the same. It demonstrates how people are always looking for methods in which to transport their drug abroad. Much as we in New Zealand might like to believe otherwise, international drug trafficking is rife all around the world – including in the Southern Hemisphere.

…Personally, the guy’s full of it. It’s my belief that, like most of these idiots who claim to have no knowledge of the drugs up their rectum, he was looking to make some easy coin on the side then spend the rest of his life languishing in paradise.

If however, I am wrong and his story about transporting across an international border a bag full of drugs for some woman he had yet to meet in person is in fact true, well, imagine my surprise.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by P Shmocca

Photography by Draca Taika