Given that much of our planet’s existing landmass is purported to be thousands of millions of years old while little old New Zealand has only been out of the ocean for hundreds of millions…

The aforementioned information has been sourced – due to an alarming discrepancy thus I would assume a frightening inaccuracy in the facts hence figures offered by perhaps the only source of information that most people seem to recognise these days – not so much through the whirring box of (apparent) knowledge sitting before me and more through the recall of my days as a fourth year student at primary school.

…Also the fact that on account of New Zealand currently rocking some dynamic tectonic plate action while the rest of the world is being/has been largely beaten flat by erosion New Zealand’s mountainous landscape is still rising, in years to come I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see the nation of New Zealand comprising not only a far greater acreage, I believe it just might be flaunting the world’s tallest peak.

This week’s Theory therefore pertains to the movement of planet Earth’s tectonic plates and the way they will, with time, undoubtedly further raise New Zealand from the depths of the ocean, holding it aloft atop a great pedestal of dirt and rock – thus by implication sinking or at least lowering the rest of the world with all its safe unmoving land – until New Zealand (also perhaps Chile, Argentina, and some others) will be able to look down on the rest and say, ‘Hah – who’s bigger now?’

It isn’t likely to happen in my lifetime but, you know, something to think about for future generations trying to decide whether to put down roots in New Zealand or Guyana.

Some of those ancient lands around the Middle East and India, which have since been eroded flat, already have perilously low elevation while those not-quite-so-old, mountainous, ancient lands such as South America or the Himalayas, given another few (thousand million) years, I predict, will go the same way; which is to say, into the ocean…

Yes, I realise this theory utterly contradicts many of my other Theories which maintain that Armageddon will befall the planet sometime within the next few hundred years, but this is more of a contingency theory – a prospective, what if it does or, just in case that doesn’t happen, theory.

…As for our partner to the west, Australia, I didn’t like to say it before but, realistically, dude, you were beaten flat a very long time ago.

Do we therefore even need a conclusion?

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Chef Tang-Lands

Photography by B Tan Flit

Olympic athlete Nick Willis is being ‘praised’ for his ‘public confession’ after posting via Facebook his admission of past ‘pornography addiction’.

According to Willis he is currently ‘two and a half years pornography-free’; according to the greater New Zealand public he ought to be celebrated for overcoming such a ‘vicious addiction’…

I’m wondering, when did the act of enjoying pornography to the extent that one ends up spending much longer than one would deem ideal sitting in front of a computer screen with a transfixed expression of vacuous arousal plastered all over one’s face become an addiction?

…According to one such person, Willis should be ‘given a medal’ for coming forward and ‘speaking about’ such a ‘taboo subject’ that ‘everyone does’ but ‘nobody talks about’.

Willis claims that since he has ‘come out’ he would like to be able to ‘help others’ overcome their ‘compelling addictions’, too.

Seriously? Pornography addiction, really? Seems as though this might be one of those things that ‘professionals’ like to slip under that cloak of make believe along with sex addiction – all consuming, mightily enjoyable, socially unacceptable, yet ultimately harmless.

So answer me this: how many busy people – people who get up early and who arrive home late – ever succumbed to your so called bloody pornography addiction? Conversely, how many people with too much time on their hands – those who essentially make their own routines and who can practically take free time as they please – end up suffering from this very issue?

Take away the spare time and suddenly there is no way to continue the addiction.

It’s like I’ve always said: addiction is simply the act of liking, or enjoying something too much; in most cases the only compulsion is the one that you develop in your own mind.

In fairness though, while the novelty long ago wore off for me, I can see how so many people do still like pornography too much.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Nick S Willy

Photography by Dick Ted

I need sunlight to live yet full exposure will soon kill me.

I am pleasant to touch yet unable to feel myself.

I am partial to salt but stay well clear of pepper.

I thrive in the wet yet am often found to be dry.

I often cause injury yet am susceptible to bruising.

I share a colour with nature yet live upon the rocks.

I have a cold circulatory system but I stink when I get hot.

I have the name of a vegetable yet am unpalatable to humans.

I am two words yet the first is a letter and the last can be another few.

I have initials S and L yet Sexy Lady I most certainly am not.

WHAT AM I?

Answer in next week’s edition of Fustigator.

Given the direction this world seems to be heading with its desire for simplicity along all avenues, I simply cannot believe we have yet to adopt a metric system of angles and particularly, metric time.

(I realise I have touched on this topic with a past Metric piece but that was more satirical; this is not.)

This week’s Theory therefore pertains to the certain future implementation of both metric angles, and metric time.

A metric angle system just makes sense – 360 degrees in a circle is as illogical as 1760 yards in a mile, 20 ounces in a UK pint, or 12 pence in a shilling then twenty of those in a pound.

There is no valid reason for a complete circle to comprise 360 degrees and in a time where most units of measurement come with a deca, centi, kilo, or milli prefix, it just makes no sense to go from centimetres and kilograms, into a unit that has utterly no reference to 10s, 100s, or 1000s.

Metric time was a notion that came to me a long while ago: I witnessed my young nephew’s futile attempt at deciphering 2 pointers at 12 points around 360 degrees on his little wrist and asked myself, why are we persevering with this?

When I put this query to somebody else they tried to tell me it had to do with the Moon and planets and all that jazz that nobody really understands, so we can’t rightfully change it…

I thought about that; I realised that in fact I did understand planetary time measurement but still, there was no reason that a day needed to be divided into 12 segments – that arrangement smacks of the nonsensical actions of primitive man to me.

…Realistically the only units of time that are not controlled by humans are days – the time it takes the Earth to complete a full rotation on its axis – months – the time it takes the Moon to orbit the Earth – and years – the time it takes the Earth to orbit the Sun.

The time Earth takes to spin one full rotation to be measured in 24 units..? What? Then to put 7 of those days in a week..? Why? Four – sorry – approximately four of those week things to make up an entire Moon-cycle..? Are you serious? Then what about 12 of those Moon-cycles in a…

No, wait, that last one has to be. That’s the way it is. Even man’s fastidious meddling can’t change that.

…Turns out our Moon undergoes 12 full cycles in the time it takes our Earth to orbit our Sun, which might just be the inspiration for 12/24 hours in a day, I don’t know. Anyway we call that a year and it has to be as long as it is because Earth has to rotate 365 times within that period.

I get that, that’s fine, the above information checks out. There is still no need – and as far as I can see no inspiration in the worldly clock – to have 60 minutes comprising those hours or 60 seconds within each of those Goddamn minutes – particularly when in the art of time-keeping we like to break up those 12 hours into 60 minutes into 60 seconds then into…

What? Are you serious? Now you go metric..?

…Bloody milliseconds. That’s right: 10s, 100s, and bloody milliseconds. As though metric’s not good enough when time’s big but once it becomes too small for your unwieldy imperial system to handle – like inches having to become thousands of inches – only then do you adopt metric.

So are we still doing a theory, or what?

Yeah, about that, my impassioned ranting, true to form, seems to have inspired a minor digression.

Therefore in conclusion..?

Right, therefore in conclusion, my theory maintains that one day soon people are going to become fed up with this antiquated way of measuring time, oh and angles too, and although one could easily claim the opposite: ‘There’s nothing wrong with the seven day week, the twelve hour day, the sixty minute hour and the sixty second minute – the three hundred and sixty degree circle seems pretty much beyond reproach, too’, just think about it.

That’s exactly what past generations said about the yardstick, the foot, and that infernal bloody inch.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Yeardly Stick

Photography by Farney Engles

A recent survey revealed a dirty truth about school students that many parents might find difficult to accept.

Every parent wants to believe their child is a warm-natured, pleasant-spirited friend-of-the-schoolyard; alas it turns out a high percentage of these aspiring men and women are in fact anything but friendly.

Statistically speaking, the aforementioned parents’ children are probably bullies.

In an unsanctioned study of 100 Year 11 – 13 students across a variety of Mid Canterbury schools – rural/urban, private/public, Boys’/Girls’ – over 80% claimed they had in the past year engaged in repetitively malicious treatment of their peers.

Alarming as this number was, it is the patterns which can be deduced from the results that are truly remarkable.

Typically it appears that those who consider themselves part of ‘popular’ groups are more likely to dispense bullying, while interestingly, students who reported an intention to leave school within the coming twelve months, perhaps indicating a greater outlook or ambition, less likely. Following that trend, students who report knowing what they want to do with their lives upon leaving school, similarly have less desire to disrupt the lives of others while at school.

The most common forms of bullying reported were, unsurprisingly, computer or phone-related and although in comparison to old-school methods cyber-bullying might appear less harmful, to the kids on the receiving end of such abuse, assuredly, there is no difference.

Results show that while the act of bullying is most prevalent in Girls’ schools where technology is indeed the medium of choice, the problem exists in most every form and in most everywhere: bullying in the sense of physical or direct verbal abuse, while historically more of a male-orientated practise, seems to have become gender-irrelevant.

Not unexpectedly it appears that those who dislike school and attend only out of obligation are more likely to engage in mistreatment of their peers than those who enjoy their time; those with a passion for school and who maintain an above average academic standard are less likely to bully than those who have no passion or desire to contribute, leading to the following hypothesis: wholesome mental stimulation might just be the key to eliminating schoolyard bullying.

Of the 100 surveyed almost every student who had experienced bullying – either distributing or receiving – maintained the primary cause was boredom – “Nothing else to do”, one self-professed bully joked.

Of course there are other reasons that bullies persevere in their hurtful ways; most prominent is upbringing, lifestyle, and the resentment which is sometimes bred through family hardship.

Even taking into account other causes of schoolyard bullying, by keeping a student’s mind occupied and more to the point, focused on worthwhile tasks with the promise of brighter things to come, this child will hopefully have no need, no time and, importantly, no desire to mistreat their peers.

Bullying in schools has become the scourge on what would otherwise be happy and carefree lives for many students. There is no need for it: it is a senseless act that with the correct handling, I believe, can be abolished from New Zealand schools.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Belle Luttling Boyce

Photography by Bet Chi Grylls

There was one douche-bag who said they couldn’t do it but when Kiwi patriots joined forces to Givealittle, nothing could stop them from buying back seven hectares of their own land.

The picturesque beach, part of Abel Tasman National Park’s Awaroa Inlet, was hitherto privately owned by a Mr Michael Spackman, having paid $1.92 million for the acquisition in 2008; unsubstantiated claims maintain Spackman had since come under financial distress leading to the property’s being put up for tender…

Through it all there was one douche-bag claiming they would never do it alone.

…Further leading to renowned philanthropist, controversial commentator, and all around cat-hating douche-bag Gareth Morgan (Gaweff to his friends) to step forward and offer his financial assistance.

As it happened though Money-bags Morgan and his renowned philanthropy was unneeded as New Zealand citizens managed to amass a total of almost $2.3 million; then if that was ever at risk of coming up short good old Uncle John stepped in with another $350,000 to seal the deal…

Morgan was vehemently opposed to Government money going towards the public buying back of this Abel Tasman beach, offering instead to front up with a cool $1 million on the taxpayer’s behalf.

…That Government assistance turned out to be fortunate indeed, as Mr Morgan’s act of philanthropy was revealed to include a few catches.

Gareth Morgan didn’t become filthy rich by giving away a lot of money.

Gareth Morgan isn’t generous, he isn’t benevolent, he isn’t magnanimous; he isn’t genuine and truth be told, he isn’t even a nice guy – Morgan was only willing to contribute his million dollars to the buyback appeal if he stood to gain from it…

To all those folk out there who still believe that John Key does not have the interests of New Zealand and its people therein at the forefront of his mind, please, continue.

…As a trade-off for this apparently benevolent contribution, philanthropist Morgan would require a portion of the Abel Tasman beach for his own personal use; this of course would include the ability to develop or to sell off segments at his whim.

Prime Minister John Key did not believe that any one person should be the owner of this pristine section of New Zealand beach so simply, he eliminated the chance of that happening.

I guess the moral of this story is that if someone wants New Zealand land returned to its rightful owners, merely complaining about the injustice won’t get you there.

Nor will masquerading as a philanthropic jackass.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Phil Ann Trophy

Photography by Moss Kerr-Aider

If we cast our minds back around 40 thousand years we might recall a planet overcome with ice; then thinking back even further – 60 million years and beyond – the dinosaurs had land on which to walk, indicating a clear cyclic phenomenon.

This week’s Theory therefore pertains to my belief/postulation/prediction that, since the icy age the world has been heating thus will continue to heat until that final drop of ice ends up in the ocean then via some as yet unrecognisable phenomenon, the world will again freeze thereby effectively restarting hence regenerating our broken eco-system.

Given this approximate 500 million year cycle though it won’t be for a few more years yet, so I wouldn’t worry…

What’s that you say? I’ve already done an Armageddon-based Theory, you say? Regarding climatic cycles and such, you say? Theory II, you say? Back when I could still be bothered exerting boundless perspicacity in developing new and/or interesting theories each week, you say? Surely not, I say.

…Alright, on checking through the archives it turns out I have a point – on the repetition thing, not the Armageddon thing; although I do still believe the Armageddon theory to have merit…

Obviously, or I wouldn’t have written it XXIX weeks ago and posted it under the heading ‘Theory II’.

…Additionally meritorious is my theory of the global population one day merging thus becoming one people, regarding skin colour and overall…

Ah, are you for real – do the words ‘Theory XI’ ring any bells?

…Alright, I’d better take your word for that one. Moving on: what about the fact that, keeping in mind the original lands – Pangea, Laurasia and Gondwanaland – and the movement of the aforementioned dirt which today sees the world comprising a multitude of different continents; also the effects of erosion and the fact that while it might appear that when a mound erodes in one place that particular area of eroded soil is lost into the air but in fact given the atmosphere that surrounds us matter can never actually disappear, similar to water it can only shift location, therefore the entire world one day will again be conjoined but as one gargantuan flat landmass..?

What about that, have I done that one before? No..? Alright then, I’ll perceive my inner silence as permission to proceed.

Add to that the fact that the flattening of Earth’s undulations will have to include the hollows that form the oceans but given there’s so much more water than there is land across the world this would result in the entire globe becoming inundated with a depth of several kilometres of liquid…

What, and I suppose then it’s going to freeze and ‘effectively restart hence regenerate our broken eco-system’..?

…Thus in conclusion, I hypothesise that with time the effects of gravity will effectively beat flat the entire world – just as gravity in fact formed the entire world, with its relentless compacting and rotating – and yes, in many millions more years, its resulting watery surface might again freeze.

Brilliant, you essentially plagiarised the plot from the movie Waterworld.

Dude, how would you know – you’ve never even seen the movie Waterworld.

That’s true, I just naturally assumed that’s the premise they would have gone for.

Anyway, unwitting (potential) copyright infringement notwithstanding, that’s my theory.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Kevin Costner

Photography by Wurdy Whirled

Although I have touched on it in the past, never has this topic been more pertinent than it is right now.

A little over 150 years ago this planet’s population reached the 1 billion mark; just 80 years after that it surpassed 4 billion.

Today, after another 80 years, we’re somewhere around 7 billion so while exponential growth over last century has seemingly been stymied somewhat, with a perpetually aging global population, assuredly, that number is soon to blow out.

Obviously the one thing that would mitigate these burgeoning growth patterns is death; yet as a populous of living, breathing, consuming, polluting, warming, wasting, devastating and ultimately existing people, we appear to be doing just the opposite.

The inherent compassion found within most humans – which seems consistently to overpower any sense of logic inside those same beasts – has driven us to do everything in our collective power to prolong life – no matter how aged, hateful, or terminal – in what can be best described as the self-destructive goodwill of people…

Modern medical science is constantly finding new ways to render some of our World’s more impressive, most life-threatening diseases no more lethal than a common cold which, incidentally, did also used to have the power to take a life.

…Smallpox, Tetanus, Rabies, Yellow Fever, Plague – all the good ones are already gone, with the cures for many more within reaching distance.

Medical science is close to a breakthrough on the HIV virus, with the word ‘cancer’ also scheduled to lose its power to strike fear sometime in the coming years; even  venomous snakebites – whose contribution towards population management, while small, was still noticeable – are losing their ‘deadly’ reputation.

We as a people are killing ourselves.

Without the nonsensical plight of world wars to strike down large segments of the population, global pandemics and terminal disease in general are all that we have left.

With entire institutions now dedicated to ‘playing God’ in the sense that their sole ambition is to prolong life at any cost, I wonder who is going to be in charge of ‘playing God’ in the sense of extending this World’s ability to produce life-giving resources.

One thing’s for sure: when Earth and Nature teamed up to give a party like none before, neither expected quite such a turnout.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by May Kerr-Room

Photography by Turman El Dass-Cease

In light of the suggestive nature of the above heading, this week’s Theory shall be considered both risqué and provocative.

I don’t know what it is yet though, so just give me a moment…

Indeed this week’s Theory pertains to the way that women like to maintain they exert a monumental effort to look their best ‘because that’s what you men expect’, and do themselves up to such a ridiculously superficial level ‘just to make you men happy’, while we male counterparts apparently have to do so little.

…The first point lies within the female-spoken phrase, variations of which I have heard multiple times: ‘We spend so much time doing ourselves up for you guys – hair removal, makeup, skin care and all that – then you guys just like come in straight off the farm stinking of cow shit…’…

Agreed, some women do spend an inordinate amount of time, and put in a great deal of effort presenting themselves; but is it really just to impress men?

…The female argument therefore is that there is unjust inequality regarding the time and effort thus overall standard of appearance surrounding the man/woman façade, but then while this inequality might be reality, is its existence necessarily men’s doing, or is it self-imposed? …

The fact is if a woman presented herself to the public wearing tatty clothes and looking ultimately dishevelled she likely wouldn’t so much upset other people as much as she would upset herself.

…Most men can relate to the frustration at being ready to go out, being right on the verge of departure, then having to wait as the woman suddenly requires additional time to ‘touch up’ something or to ‘redo’ something else…

Most men aren’t terribly hung up about those finer details of a woman’s appearance that she obviously considers of paramount importance; honestly, most men don’t even notice.

…Yet when a man complains about how much time a woman needs to ‘make herself beautiful’ he is invariably scorned and given the speech on how she has to do all these things while he has to do none of them and how it’s all for him anyway…

No woman will ever admit that the excess of time she spends on her façade is more for her than anyone else but that is the truth of the matter – nobody cares about the state of a woman’s appearance as much as she does.

…Admittedly women do have a great deal of upkeep with the hair removal (the nature of which, incidentally, hair or no hair, regarding the pubic region at least, I have never heard a man complain), the skin care (something which, in today’s modern world, most men do also), the makeup (an area which most men will agree is usually overdone), then there’s the hair washing (which I concede does take longer for girls) and lastly of course the choosing between the twenty different outfits that despite all being very much similar all look totally different depending on how fat you’re feeling…

My theory therefore is that as much as our feminine counterparts might like to try to convince themselves that their so called beautification time is not wasting time and in fact is all for us rather than primarily for them, is a pristine example of female delusion.

…Enough said.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Bill D Pippi

Photography by Pue Buck Ridgen

Gosh, this one has been a long time coming – the post I mean, not the physical shortcoming.

Indeed the physical shortcoming in question, the injury, let’s call it – I guess plural if we’re being particular – generally, are merely old shortcomings having not been allowed adequate time to repair thus never totally freeing me from their burdensome handicap…

Ordinarily it goes like this: I acquire an injury, I give it a few days – by which I mean I afford it awareness for at least two days – where I then resume normal function; it’s this impetuous desire for resumption of function that I believe to be the key issue.

…‘You need to rest the injured area’, are the words I would likely hear if I had the sense to visit a physiotherapist or, in fact with regard to this latest ‘shortcoming’, perhaps a chiropractor…

Where body parts manifesting shortcomings have in the past included, thus to some extent currently include, ribs, neck, groin, wrist, shoulders, elbows – and just like the rhyme – toes, the present (and never seen before) injury pertains to what I have expertly (self) diagnosed as, a pinched nerve of the lower back.

…I first experienced the discomfort sometime towards the end of the week-before-last but expected – as men tend to do – that given time the problem would rectify itself…

Which over that weekend and ensuing Monday it largely did: so there.

…Then come Tuesday night’s class, through sensible tactics (rather than throwing myself into the sport as if the very future of the planet depended on my sweating out tantamount to four litres of water on the way in, I managed to survive on just one bottle) I woke Wednesday morning feeling relatively spry.

Of course to any man worth any kind of anything to anyone, that level of progress is as good as full health; needless to say come Thursday night, having refilled my depleted bottle, all four were again required.

Friday morning, to my total surprise, I struggled to put on my socks.

So that’s the most recent complaint but taking into account the few days of rest I have already given it – push-ups, chin-ups, road-cycling, mountain-biking, hedge-pruning and lawn-mowing being the only strenuous activities in which I have partaken – then with the few more hours of downtime to come before the next onslaught of jiu-jitsu, that pinched nerve thing should soon become nothing more than just one of many niggling little recurring injuries.

That’s middle age for you.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Ria Kerr-Ring

Photography by Shaw Cummings