Approximately twenty-four years ago a woman told me that girls mature faster than boys; over those years I developed somewhat of an adaptation to this claim.

Indeed, women like to think they mature faster than men.

My assertion relates to what I believe is the woman’s general desire for superiority, because far as I’ve seen through my life’s eyes women have done little to reinforce that initial claim. Pretentious maturity in women..? Sure, see it all the time – young women acting all grown up and holier than thou, attempting to pass themselves off as mature but who you just know are still lacking any ability to take responsibility for their mistakes and who are furthermore, just as financially irresponsible as they were ten years ago.

Fiscal responsibility notwithstanding though, a younger person’s ability to accept responsibility for their own, often questionable, actions I believe represents a large part of the maturity gauge; it relates directly to self-assuredness hence self-confidence and thus the big one, self esteem.

A person who repeatedly shirks responsibility for their mistakes therefore, is not what I would consider a ’mature’ person. Some of these people in fact will deny any wrongdoing to the point where their own brains will actually vindicate them, thereby allowing them to make that same mistake again and again, never realising or accepting that their actions are the cause of the mishap.

Difficult as it might be to believe, even from this middle-aged stance I know a number of similarly aged people who maintain the above ‘avoid and deny’ philosophy. I used to even offer the occasional slice of advice to these people; alas I am now forced to stand by and watch as they insist on making the same basic error again and again, over and over…

Without self assessment there is really no way a person can improve themselves.

…Some years ago, must have been around 2009, I recall engaging in a discussion with a particularly opinionated young woman at my evening salsa class. In response to one of my classically backhanded comments, in what I suspect was intended to be an inaudible slur she muttered, “Yes, well girls do mature faster than guys…”

“D’ya reckon?” I queried with comical incredulity.

She turned, looked at me disdainfully and said simply, “Yes, I do.”

Weeks later I discovered through another female class member that this first young woman was in fact a training high school teacher who had just come out of a ‘heavy’ relationship. Apparently the boyfriend had ‘screwed her over’, laying claim to most every possession in their rented dwelling, ultimately forcing her to move back in with her parents.

My immediate expression of sympathy was met with the words, “Oh I wouldn’t worry about it eh, kind of thing happens all the time with that chick…”

Women love to think they mature faster than men and in some instances this is probably a fair statement to make; some men simply have no idea of how to handle themselves or the lives they profess to lead – they are pathetic people and chances are they will find an equally pathetic woman to continually remind them that girls mature faster than boys.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Matt Ure

Photography by Shirls N Boyce

I am so bloody sick of shithead teenagers who think they can just walk into dairies demanding something for nothing.

I was ever so proud to see last night in a recent incidence of the above episode the owner decided, ‘No, I will not give you what you are asking and certainly I will not take your shit, you jumped up little good for nothing, fudge-packing, mouth-breathing, faece-eating, urine-gargling, semen-swilling piss-ant – not today, not fucking ever!’ …or something to that effect.

This Indian hero, also known as Rupan Patel, seized the assailant’s firearm, allowed himself to be hurled over the counter of his Rototuna dairy where he then wrestled the filthy shit-bag to the ground. This douche-bag, would-be offender then scarpered out the door and akin to the gust of fairy-dust he truly was, vanished with a poof.

Seeing the resolve in Mr Patel’s eyes, his unwillingness to become just another victim at the hands of New Zealand’s most pathetic example of person, gosh, I was so damned proud of that man.

Nobody has the right to make another feel intimidated; especially when the antagonist is some out-of-work drop-kick with no desire to do anything the least bit beneficial for the progression of the nation who probably expects to get by playing video games all day then leaching off the hard work of others by night, and especially when the aforementioned arse-wipe is one of many gutless wonders who prey on these family businesses, owned and operated by some of the hardest working people in our country.

New Zealand’s burgeoning multi-cultural society, while seen by some as a threat to the nation’s identity, has in fact become the essence, the strength; the beauty of this country.

As for you, you bigoted piece of shit, travesty of a petty criminal, you’ve missed the boat. Burglary went out of fashion in the 90s. You are a waste of human resources. Robbing dairies is no longer even an efficient way to make money. Grow a conscience and above all, for Christ’s sake grow up.

Moreover stop being a dick.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Dick Baggy

Photography by V Ann-Grey

Watching television at home last Saturday night – because I am that lame – through empirical channels I was able to gain certainty on a theory that I have pushing now for some time.

Yes, I realise this page is headed ‘Theory’ not ‘Fact’ but please, bear with.

My theory, as I’m sure is shared by millions of New Zealand’s viewing public, was that advertisement breaks are becoming longer…

The fact is, they’re not. Today’s ad breaks run for approximately three minutes, just as they did ten years ago.

…Given that the movie I was watching, Zombieland, I had seen on two prior occasions thus wasn’t expecting to see anything new, I felt able to take the time to measure the advertisement to movie ratio.

I understand that in this current world of digital this and computerised that, using an analogue, sweep-movement clock on the wall to achieve this might be perceived as somewhat of an archaic strategy but that’s how I roll; the fact that this clock sweeps rather than ticks is quite enough technology stimulation for me, thank you very much.

In the old days a show would run for around seven minutes, ads would come on for three; therefore in a half hour show a viewer could expect to see three advertisement segments. For half hour shows that is still more or less the standard. For movies though, it’s a little different.

Movies used to follow that same plan but now, those television broadcasting companies appear to be trying to outsmart that destitute sector of the nation’s population who still watch shows as and when they reach the respective TV sets. (Admittedly it does feel a little odd to be referring to my 55 inch LCD as a ‘TV set’ but hey, I’m old school.)

Now for example, in a two hour free-to-air, run-time unadulterated but still heavily censored movie, the first twenty minutes to half hour will be uninterrupted. I can only imagine this technique is to draw in those impoverished viewers for what is set to be a veritable advertising bonanza. As previously stated ad blocks are still three minutes long; it’s the frequency with which they appear that is astonishing.

Zombieland, which was a good watch the first time around with its Emma Stones and its Woody Harrelsons and Jesse Eisenbergs, this time I observed ran for that initial half hour uninterrupted. No complaints there. Three minutes of ads ensued before four minutes of insatiable zombies. It was exciting stuff. Another three minutes of ads flicked by before five minutes of increasingly voracious zombies. Marvellous. Three minutes of ads; five minutes of show. Three minutes of ads; four minutes of show. Three minutes of ads; four minutes of show. Three minutes of ads; three minutes of show.

That last one pissed me off to some kind of unprecedented extent where even Eisenberg’s comical brilliance, Harrelson’s dour humour and Stone’s sultry manner couldn’t save it for me.

If I were any kind of man I would’ve been straight on the phone to talkback venting my frustrations to that large percentage of retirees who leave a radio running all night on their nightstand; alas as a 32-year-old still-budding cantankerous character, my only retaliation was to go to bed.

All this advertising makes me wonder though, what the hell are those idiot TV companies doing with all that extra revenue? Advertisers pay handsomely to encroach on our viewing time and exhibit their wares, yet almost all the movies showing on TV1, 2, 3 and Four are being rescreened for the umpteenth time as though they can’t afford any newer releases…

I’ve seen The Bourne Identity four times; I have seen The Bourne Supremacy only three times, but that’s on again this weekend.

…All this bloody advertising and they can’t afford it..? Really? I understand that I’m not likely to see a movie on my TV screen until at least two years after it hits the big screens but shit, when TV2 screens a 2013 release in 2015 then the next year that same movie is adopted by TV3 along with the tag ‘Premiere’ to confuse all the forgetful Freddies out there into thinking they’re seeing something new when all they’re really doing is seeing a three-year-old rerun hand-me-down from another channel, well, gosh, it is very frustrating indeed.

Honestly, with all this extra advertising, is it that new movies are costing the television companies so much more or, and this is my theory – so thank you to those of you who hung in for the duration – is it that broadcasting CEOs are simply becoming progressively wealthy?

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Ria Rahn

Photography by Will Thea-Ceo

New Zealand Government is taking steps to relax prohibited trading laws over Easter; leaving the decision instead in the hands of local council.

As with any major Government shift, half the country is in uproar while the rest don’t appear to give a damn.

The issue many are taking with the impending law change is the fact that a percentage of workers will lose several days of statutory downtime, with ANZAC day, Christmas day and Good Friday reported to be the three remaining staples…

Personally, the only one of the aforementioned days that means anything at all is ANZAC day; the other two are based on a fairy tale and in my opinion the only reason they’re being perpetuated over a couple of thousand years on is to push the sales of low-quality goods to an ignorant public.

…I wonder how it is that, despite most of the people I know maintaining no religious stance whatsoever, the majority of our nation’s holidays are based around just that.

Seems to me it’s patently hypocritical to jump on board with a celebration, the essence of which one shows no support.

I understand that as New Zealanders we love our big, garish Christmases because of the way our atheistic beliefs have manipulated them to symbolise what we want – family, relaxation, food and alcohol; we maintain Easter largely because our kids love the excitement and perhaps also because we love chocolate – something which, according to Christian belief, has absolutely no relevance at all to the symbolic nature of the day.

The point is, as time goes on these days are bound to become increasingly adulterated and adapted to meet our own desires. The fact that we still attempt to ‘honour’ religious holidays by prohibiting a favourite national pastime, is nothing short of asinine.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Trav S Tay

Photography by Acer Nyne

It’s common enough for workers who have been active during a day which they would otherwise have off, to be awarded a ‘day in lieu’.

This lieu day entitles them to replace a typical workday with a day of rest. Given that I have been active for the past two Sundays, I feel one of these days might be warranted.

Each time I end up doing an uncharacteristic Sunday post, before I go to bed that night I tell myself: Right, no pressure tomorrow; late start; we’ll be cruising…

That’s the theory anyway. That’s the way I feel Sunday night; it just never seems to work out that way come Monday morning.

…I invariably wake early on Mondays. It pisses me off royally. Lying in bed I then start to go through my archives, searching for an idea – some engaging topic to expand/exploit. This morning it was Lieu which, at first whisper doesn’t sound all that captivating but that’s not the point; the point –

Hey, what do you call two days in lieu followed by a decade-long infestation of army ants?

Dude, I have no idea.

Lieutenants.

…

Lieutenants!

What?

Lieutenants!

No no, I heard you; that just makes no sense.

Yeah it does, ‘cause lieu then a decade is ten and –

No. I’m having a day off.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Louis Tenant

Photography by Lew Day

If the rest of the world is allowed to be outraged at photos of skinny girls, why am I not allowed to feel a similar sense of injustice at photos of chubby ones?

Of course for many women staying slim is a constant battle and to them the sight of one of those naturally skinny girls is simply infuriating; much easier to just vilify those girls than to exert effort maintaining your own figure…

The fact is: just as some women are destined to be plus-size, others are destined to be diminutive; just as some women will always have a bulge, others will always have exposed ribs.

…Those plus-size protesters who spend their time ripping shit out of ‘skinny models’ while celebrating their own disproportionately high Body Mass Index are running a massive double standard. Those girls are big supporters of ‘feeling happy with your appearance’; yet have no trouble turning around and belittling fashion models for the way they look.

Many people believe it’s based on genetics; I think it’s more to do with lifestyle – some eat for pleasure while others do it out of necessity.

Personally to see chubby girls flaunting their bulges; being proud of a life of over-eating, under-exercising and all around sloth is repugnant.

In a time where diabetes is New Zealand’s number one killer promoting plus-size models as a ‘refreshing alternative’ to the typical skeletons we see on the catwalk, is nothing short of hypocrisy.

Agreed, don’t promote ‘skinniness’ as a woman’s target appearance but for Christ’s sake people, you can’t just go around claiming ‘plus-size’ is the natural and healthy alternative.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by U E Tua Mush

Photography by X R Size

Why am I still hearing about Karl Anglem and his unofficial taxi service?

The story of a Timaru man providing his friends with safe transport home from local pubs and bars became knowledge some days ago and at the time it struck me as patently idiotic – that or an attempt at publicity for the businesses involved…

Karl Anglem maintains he doesn’t require payment for the service he provides and given his sobriety at the time, he sees it as nothing more than a friendly gesture he is beholden to offer.

…Which is precisely why I refused to comment. Since then the claims and accusations surrounding Mr Anglem have become ridiculous to the extent where part of me still believes the whole thing is a joke. Timaru Taxis are claiming that his Samaritan behaviour is doing them out of business; they consider his actions illegal.

A joke, maybe; farcical, certainly; illegal, really? This, at a time when one of television’s most recognisable advertisements ends with the slogan: ‘Stop someone from driving drunk … Legend.’

Nevertheless, as they are obliged to do with any complaint – farcical or otherwise – police have landed Karl Anglem with an official warning.

It now looks as though, for frequenters of Timaru’s licensed establishments who wish to avoid an invariably exorbitant taxi fare, the only way to ensure everyone remains appeased is to respectfully decline the goodwill of sober friends and, well, to quietly drive themselves home.

Seriously..? Drunk?

Well if they don’t have $40 for a taxi fare then yeah, I guess so.

But that’s illegal..?

Yeah, but apparently so is what Karl Anglem was doing.

But I thought driving drunk was one of the worst things somebody could ever do..?

Yes, you are correct, driving drunk is one of the worst things somebody can ever do but seemingly, if that somebody is not willing to forego a couple of hours’ wages to fund their short trip home, that’s what Timaru Taxis expects them to do.

Really?

That’s the image they’re pushing.

But couldn’t they just get a ride home with somebody else, like, a sober friend instead?

You mean somebody like Karl Anglem?

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Donna Draphy Dronk

Photography by X Orbitan Tex-Affair

I have always felt that the test of true maturity is firstly, knowing who you are and being comfortable with that.

The second aspect, in my opinion, is having the wisdom, the foresight, the sense, the sensibility to solidify, to establish your place in the world.

Many younger people appear to have fallen into a devoted quest to ‘finish’ the task-sheet of life: they school, they play, they work, they earn, they accumulate, they purchase; they wed and they procreate. Some will argue that the more of the aforementioned aspects one has covered the more mature that makes them…

Almost as though this is some kind of prescribed challenge that everybody playing the game of life must accomplish and accomplish in that order; as though this is the way and there is no other.

…I will argue, aside from the last two, if one can’t achieve these goals as one person, then one is a failure. In my opinion the question of maturity relates strictly to one being; if somebody cannot handle the rigours of life alone, simply, they do not qualify as mature.

The sapient pearl that I received in my childhood regarding one gender maturing faster than the other, I now realise is a matter of perspective. The woman who told me that girls mature faster than boys for instance, might have perceived maturity as the ability to spend Friday nights at home listening attentively to conversation that holds no interest to the respective listener; she might have perceived maturity as the desire to settle into a nesting situation then spend a large portion of that life rearing a swag of ungrateful sprogs or, who knows?

The point is that to make the claim one gender matures more quickly than the other is extremely risky; as mentioned above to me maturity is about self-acceptance coupled with the desire to make your place in the world. Self-acceptance includes knowing who you are as a person thus having the ability to partake in reflective self-improvement, being willing to adjust your being to suit various instances but ultimately, being content with who and especially what you are. Making your place in the world doesn’t necessarily relate to ownership of items or property, it is more about a person’s feeling of personal belonging. In order to harness this belongingness it is my opinion that one must first achieve independence; too many people are reliant on others for not only their happiness, for their basic survival.

How can anyone claim to be a mature grown-up when in order to survive they need a counterpart; that’s co-existence in its most simple form and quite simply, it’s a weak existence.

It’s a fact that humans are gregarious creatures, but even sheep can manage alone.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Philao D Ledder

Photography by Shi Pea

Self professed, unabashed ‘adultery website’, Ashley Madison, has been hacked.

Protesters of the Ashley Madison movement months ago threatened that if the adultery-promoting website didn’t desist its debauched ways, they would see to it that the anonymity of its users was hacked thereby revealed to the world.

Ashley Madison recently, controversially introduced herself to the world as a place where ‘unhappy spouses’ can go for some ‘extra-marital leisure’ and curiously, became an immediate worldwide success…

The website’s supposed over 40 million users however are set for a surprise – the group behind this hack have reportedly released over 35GB of data, previously stored in the Ashley Madison database, to the world.

…Which I feel says a great deal about the scruples of modern man. Personally, no sympathy ought to be wasted on these shit-bags who decided their marriage vows were no longer that important and felt justified in contacting this website of depravity.

Perhaps I’m old fashioned in the belief but I’ve always considered that if two people are prepared and willing to utter the vows that constitute marriage, they have then embarked upon a lifelong pact; I do not see that the aforementioned bond can be set aside for the purpose of ‘extra-marital leisure’ anyway.

Tinder was bad enough although theoretically they aren’t hurting anyone, yet. This Ashley Madison at first glance is beyond belief; that said for a site of this nature to survive there must be a client base…

The hacked Ashley Madison email database alone was said to contain 36 million records.

…Given they have survived this long it seems that perhaps it’s not so much Ashley’s fault as it is the men of the world.

Temptation is all around us but in no way should it be a defining factor.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Dor T Sheat

Photography by X Tre Merry-Till

New Zealand’s bee population has been dwindling for a number of years; this much is more fact than theory.

Conservationists, biologists and scaremongers alike however, seem to be having a great time pushing the theory that, given all coloured vegetables are a direct result of pollination, this shortage of honeybees will result in the end of natural produce as we know it.

The first time I heard this assertion I recall smiling understandingly, then shaking my head in dismay. Do these people take us for idiots? I too am aware of bees being less abundant now than they were ten years ago but are we truly supposed to believe that there is no other insect out there that also enjoys traversing between flowers and which is similarly capable of dusting its legs and abdomen with pollen?

Here’s a fun fact: over half of the ‘bees’ out there that ever invade your space resulting in your violent flailing of limbs and swatting of body parts, are in fact wasps. Generally bees don’t give a damn about gorging themselves on your juicy apple at the exact moment you raise it to your mouth, that’s more of a wasp trait and yeah, turns out wasps are equally as good as flying around fields of flowers as their honeybee counterparts…

In reality this theory that conservationists are pushing regarding honeybee Armageddon is simply an attempt to stop farmers using herbicides which, while preventing voracious insects from feasting upon their produce, are indeed harmful to bees. The thing is though, if growers’ herbicides were that detrimental to pollinators, they wouldn’t use them; obviously it is in the farmers’ best interests to maintain a strong pollination presence – even more so, I would hazard, than New Zealand’s ignorant eco-warriors.

…Giving further durability to the future of pollen dissemination are bumblebees, which in fact are some of the greatest pollinators around, then of course there’s always the humble fly which enjoys spitting and sucking on pretty much anything exuding a fragrance.

Truth be told there’s thousand of insects out there which travel indiscriminately from stamen to stamen spreading fertility dust between each, and shit, then there’s the wind; it performs essentially the same task just with a whole lot less accuracy. Ultimately, although in recent years the humble honeybee might have appeared to be struggling to keep up numbers, I scarcely think it’s cause for concern.

Never fear kids, my theory is that the greenies’ theory of an impending bee Armageddon resulting in no pollination hence the end of all natural produce is about as weak as the lime-crete they push as a more eco-friendly alternative to concrete; your broccolis and your Brussels sprouts will always find a way to make it to your dinner plate.

Article by Tim Walker

Edited by Honey B Sting

Photography by Polly N A Thor